Myth 1: Luck is the essence of romance.
Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven.
This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated.
If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us.
If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Heavy Metal Music and Teen Suicide
In reference to the article concerning heavy metal and teen suicide: I, being a heavy metal fan, must admit that death is a recurring theme in some bands' lyrics. However, I also wanted to point out that nowadays, "thinking about suicide" has become popular because of the media. (Example: Kurt Cobain's suicide has been glorified and many teenagers followed such action) Why? We're suffering from what I would call "mindlesness"...I sadly see how many of my schoolmates, for example, will be quick to accept whatever MTV and the radio throw at them (ANYTHING).
These two mediums have played with political correctness and have turned it into a gimmick, therefore contributing to a general lack of objective and critical thought. Heavy metal is not the only part to blame...the media is too, and so are may irresponsible parents. I must sadly affirm that the United States is suffering from a breakdown in the institution of what is known as "the family", in which many parents would rather let the government take care of their children and dedicate themselves to other things. As I said before, heavy metal is not the only one to blame, but it is an easy scapegoat for those who insist on blaming youth's problems on someone.
These two mediums have played with political correctness and have turned it into a gimmick, therefore contributing to a general lack of objective and critical thought. Heavy metal is not the only part to blame...the media is too, and so are may irresponsible parents. I must sadly affirm that the United States is suffering from a breakdown in the institution of what is known as "the family", in which many parents would rather let the government take care of their children and dedicate themselves to other things. As I said before, heavy metal is not the only one to blame, but it is an easy scapegoat for those who insist on blaming youth's problems on someone.
Monday, 28 July 2008
Your DNA's in the post
Fancy being told you have a higher-than-average chance of getting prostate cancer but are at low risk of glaucoma? Now for about £500 you can have your genetic make-up analysed. Rob Liddle swabbed his cheek and sent off for a scan.
An e-mail pops into my basket to say the results of my genetic scan are ready. I have a few minutes free - shall I take a peep now or wait until I can devote the time to digest the results properly?
Curiosity gets the better of me and I log on to the Decodeme website to view my password-protected "gene profile".
This is quite exciting - could what I find out in the next few minutes alter the course of my life? I'm curious by nature, but that doesn't extend to wanting to know when the Grim Reaper is going to come a-knocking.
Up pops a list of grisly conditions - most of which are familiar to me, indeed some of them lurk in my family history.
And it's the ones that have touched my life that I am drawn to first. I click on Heart Attack, bypass the warm-up "introduction" to the condition, and head straight for my own "risk summary".
I'm told: "According to the selected literature, the relative genetic risk calculated from your genotype for males of European ancestry is 0.90.
"This corresponds to a 44.2% lifetime risk of developing heart attack, which is 10% less than for males of European ancestry in general."
Fated to be fat?
So far so good, I suppose, but that's still a high risk and I'm not celebrating with a full English breakfast yet.
I scan the list of 25 traits again and settle on Crohn's disease. Here I'm told the research indicates that I have a lifetime risk 1.42 times the average. Not so good. But for Diabetes, types 1 and 2, better news.
Next I plump for Obesity - surely a banker. These genes make me look fat, right? No, a lower-than-average risk. I can't use that as an excuse for my fuller figure.
A number of personal genomics firms, including Iceland-based Decodeme and 23andme and Navigenics, in the US, are now directly selling tests to the public that assess genetic risks of suffering from certain conditions.
Some also provide information about your ancestral origins.
After receiving a sample taken from the inside of your cheek, Decodeme analyses up to one million DNA markers, annotates them and puts them in the context of disease risk, providing you with a personal profile.
'Do more exercise'
One reason the tests have proved controversial is that they can measure only the genes that studies have linked to certain conditions - not the many that have yet to be discovered.
Decodeme says it is continually adding the results of new research to its database, improving the accuracy of the existing risk summaries and extending the list of traits for which you can assess yourself.
But there are other risk factors that could easily override these genetic indications, such as family history and lifestyle. My genetic risk of getting type 2 diabetes is rated as below average, but being overweight probably counts for more.
Steve Jones, author and professor of genetics at University College, London, believes that, in most cases, individual genes cannot say much about a person's risk. For him, potential customers would be better off following the advice of the health lobby.
"It is a new form of diagnosis - before any symptoms manifest themselves - but really what everybody should do is smoke less, eat less and do more exercise," he says.
The Decodeme website has a section on risk factors and prevention for each of the conditions featured, which I later peruse.
From this I learn that the prevalence for Crohn's is highest during the second and third decades of life - but that it can crop up in the over-70s. I'm 42, so may have dodged that bullet.
And if I still have questions, I can message Decodeme's team, who may then refer me to a genetic counsellor.
But for some critics, discovering your risk of developing a serious condition from a web page rather than a doctor presents a serious problem - even if the scans are unlikely to throw up any catastrophic results.
The authorities in some states in the US have recently warned testing companies that they should not continue to solicit business from residents unless the process is being sanctioned by a licensed physician.
'Reduced autonomy'
Daniel Sokol, a lecturer in medical ethics at the University of London, says the absence of the direct doctor-patient relationship does create a problem.
"The results could allow people to make changes for the better to their lifestyle," says Dr Sokol.
"However, if they misinterpret them - the scans could do more harm than good and could actually reduce people's autonomy if they interpret the results incorrectly or exaggerate their implications."
But Kari Stefansson, chief executive of Decodeme, says it should be a matter of personal choice how people treat their own data.
"The people who feel that they want to go over the results with a doctor should go to a doctor," he says.
"When I got mine, I went into the office and closed the door. I wanted to be alone.
"It should be your decision - we are not ramming it down anyone's throat. How you use it depends on who you are, but you are entitled to make the choice of getting the information or not getting it.
"But you can get so much out of it - it could be extremely beneficial to know that you are at a higher risk."
Dr Stefansson admits that the cost of the test at $985 probably puts it out of reach for most people, but he predicts a future in which accessing such personal genetic information will be commonplace - with the tests possibly costing a 10th of what they do now in five years' time.
We go through my results together. I appear to have a slightly increased chance of suffering macular degeneration (an eye problem), coeliac disease and Crohn's, but there is nothing in my risk summary that indicates that I need to take further medical advice immediately.
"I'm afraid to tell you that you are just an average guy," jokes Dr Stefansson.
Perhaps this news is the hardest of all to take.
An e-mail pops into my basket to say the results of my genetic scan are ready. I have a few minutes free - shall I take a peep now or wait until I can devote the time to digest the results properly?
Curiosity gets the better of me and I log on to the Decodeme website to view my password-protected "gene profile".
This is quite exciting - could what I find out in the next few minutes alter the course of my life? I'm curious by nature, but that doesn't extend to wanting to know when the Grim Reaper is going to come a-knocking.
Up pops a list of grisly conditions - most of which are familiar to me, indeed some of them lurk in my family history.
And it's the ones that have touched my life that I am drawn to first. I click on Heart Attack, bypass the warm-up "introduction" to the condition, and head straight for my own "risk summary".
I'm told: "According to the selected literature, the relative genetic risk calculated from your genotype for males of European ancestry is 0.90.
"This corresponds to a 44.2% lifetime risk of developing heart attack, which is 10% less than for males of European ancestry in general."
Fated to be fat?
So far so good, I suppose, but that's still a high risk and I'm not celebrating with a full English breakfast yet.
I scan the list of 25 traits again and settle on Crohn's disease. Here I'm told the research indicates that I have a lifetime risk 1.42 times the average. Not so good. But for Diabetes, types 1 and 2, better news.
Next I plump for Obesity - surely a banker. These genes make me look fat, right? No, a lower-than-average risk. I can't use that as an excuse for my fuller figure.
A number of personal genomics firms, including Iceland-based Decodeme and 23andme and Navigenics, in the US, are now directly selling tests to the public that assess genetic risks of suffering from certain conditions.
Some also provide information about your ancestral origins.
After receiving a sample taken from the inside of your cheek, Decodeme analyses up to one million DNA markers, annotates them and puts them in the context of disease risk, providing you with a personal profile.
'Do more exercise'
One reason the tests have proved controversial is that they can measure only the genes that studies have linked to certain conditions - not the many that have yet to be discovered.
Decodeme says it is continually adding the results of new research to its database, improving the accuracy of the existing risk summaries and extending the list of traits for which you can assess yourself.
But there are other risk factors that could easily override these genetic indications, such as family history and lifestyle. My genetic risk of getting type 2 diabetes is rated as below average, but being overweight probably counts for more.
Steve Jones, author and professor of genetics at University College, London, believes that, in most cases, individual genes cannot say much about a person's risk. For him, potential customers would be better off following the advice of the health lobby.
"It is a new form of diagnosis - before any symptoms manifest themselves - but really what everybody should do is smoke less, eat less and do more exercise," he says.
The Decodeme website has a section on risk factors and prevention for each of the conditions featured, which I later peruse.
From this I learn that the prevalence for Crohn's is highest during the second and third decades of life - but that it can crop up in the over-70s. I'm 42, so may have dodged that bullet.
And if I still have questions, I can message Decodeme's team, who may then refer me to a genetic counsellor.
But for some critics, discovering your risk of developing a serious condition from a web page rather than a doctor presents a serious problem - even if the scans are unlikely to throw up any catastrophic results.
The authorities in some states in the US have recently warned testing companies that they should not continue to solicit business from residents unless the process is being sanctioned by a licensed physician.
'Reduced autonomy'
Daniel Sokol, a lecturer in medical ethics at the University of London, says the absence of the direct doctor-patient relationship does create a problem.
"The results could allow people to make changes for the better to their lifestyle," says Dr Sokol.
"However, if they misinterpret them - the scans could do more harm than good and could actually reduce people's autonomy if they interpret the results incorrectly or exaggerate their implications."
But Kari Stefansson, chief executive of Decodeme, says it should be a matter of personal choice how people treat their own data.
"The people who feel that they want to go over the results with a doctor should go to a doctor," he says.
"When I got mine, I went into the office and closed the door. I wanted to be alone.
"It should be your decision - we are not ramming it down anyone's throat. How you use it depends on who you are, but you are entitled to make the choice of getting the information or not getting it.
"But you can get so much out of it - it could be extremely beneficial to know that you are at a higher risk."
Dr Stefansson admits that the cost of the test at $985 probably puts it out of reach for most people, but he predicts a future in which accessing such personal genetic information will be commonplace - with the tests possibly costing a 10th of what they do now in five years' time.
We go through my results together. I appear to have a slightly increased chance of suffering macular degeneration (an eye problem), coeliac disease and Crohn's, but there is nothing in my risk summary that indicates that I need to take further medical advice immediately.
"I'm afraid to tell you that you are just an average guy," jokes Dr Stefansson.
Perhaps this news is the hardest of all to take.
Saturday, 26 July 2008
Girls For Sale -By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
One thinks of slavery as an evil confined to musty sepia photographs. But there are 21st-century versions of slaves as well, girls like Srey Neth.
I met Srey Neth, a lovely, giggly wisp of a teenager, here in the wild smuggling town of Poipet in northwestern Cambodia. Girls here are bought and sold, but there is an important difference compared with the 19th century: many of these modern slaves will be dead of AIDS by their 20's.
Some 700,000 people are trafficked around the world each year, many of them just girls. They form part of what I believe will be the paramount moral challenge we will face in this century: to address the brutality that is the lot of so many women in the developing world. Yet it's an issue that gets little attention and that most American women's groups have done shamefully little to address.
Poipet, 220 miles on bouncy roads from Phnom Penh, is a dusty collection of dirt alleys lined with brothels, where teenage girls clutch at any man walking by. It has a reputation as one of the wildest places in Cambodia, an anything-goes town ruled by drugs, gangs, gambling and prostitution.
The only way to have access to the girls is to appear to be a customer. So I put out the word that I wanted to meet young girls and stayed at the seedy $8-a-night Phnom Pich Guest House -- and a woman who is a pimp soon brought Srey Neth to my room.
Srey Neth claimed to be 18 but looked several years younger. She insisted at first (through my Khmer interpreter) that she was free and not controlled by the guesthouse. But soon she told her real story: a female cousin had arranged her sale and taken her to the guesthouse. Now she was sharing a room with three other prostitutes, and they were all pimped to guests.
''I can walk around in Poipet, but only with a close relative of the owner,'' she said. ''They keep me under close watch.They do not let me go out alone. They're afraid I would run away.''
Why not try to escape at night?
''They would get me back, and something bad would happen. Maybe a beating. I heard that when a group of girls tried to escape, they locked them in the rooms and beat them up.''
''What about the police?'' I asked. ''Couldn't you call out to the police for help?''
''The police wouldn't help me because they get bribes from the brothel owners,'' Srey Neth said, adding that senior police officials had come to the guesthouse for sex with her.
I asked Srey Neth how much it would cost to buy her freedom. She named an amount equivalent to $150.
''Do you really want to leave?'' I asked. ''Are you sure you wouldn't come back to this?''
She had been watching TV and listlessly answering my questions. Now she turned abruptly and snorted. ''This is a hell,'' she said sharply, speaking with passion for the first time. ''You think I want to do this?''
Another girl, Srey Mom, grabbed at me as I walked down the street. She wouldn't let go, tugging me toward the inner depths of her brothel -- but she looked so young and pitiable that I couldn't help thinking that she really wanted me to tug her away.
So I did. I paid the owner $8 to spring her for the evening and then took her away for an interview. (Photographs of both girls are at www.nytimes.com/kristof.)
The owner let Srey Mom go out unsupervised, it turned out, partly because she had been a prostitute for several years and was trusted to return -- and partly because her dark complexion meant that she was of little value anyway. The brothel sold her to men for just $2.50, compared with the $10 commanded by the lighter-skinned Srey Neth.
I asked Srey Mom what her freedom would cost. Payment of about $70 in debts to her brothel owner, she said. Two girls in her brothel had been freed after they found boyfriends who paid their debts, she said, and she spoke of her longing to see her sisters and the rest of her family in her village on the other side of Cambodia.
''Do you really want to leave the brothel?'' I asked.
''I love myself,'' she answered simply. ''I do not want to let my life be destroyed by what I'm doing now.''
That's when I made a firm decision I'd been toying with for some time: I would try to buy freedom for these two girls and return them to their families. I'll tell you in my column on Wednesday what happens next.
I met Srey Neth, a lovely, giggly wisp of a teenager, here in the wild smuggling town of Poipet in northwestern Cambodia. Girls here are bought and sold, but there is an important difference compared with the 19th century: many of these modern slaves will be dead of AIDS by their 20's.
Some 700,000 people are trafficked around the world each year, many of them just girls. They form part of what I believe will be the paramount moral challenge we will face in this century: to address the brutality that is the lot of so many women in the developing world. Yet it's an issue that gets little attention and that most American women's groups have done shamefully little to address.
Poipet, 220 miles on bouncy roads from Phnom Penh, is a dusty collection of dirt alleys lined with brothels, where teenage girls clutch at any man walking by. It has a reputation as one of the wildest places in Cambodia, an anything-goes town ruled by drugs, gangs, gambling and prostitution.
The only way to have access to the girls is to appear to be a customer. So I put out the word that I wanted to meet young girls and stayed at the seedy $8-a-night Phnom Pich Guest House -- and a woman who is a pimp soon brought Srey Neth to my room.
Srey Neth claimed to be 18 but looked several years younger. She insisted at first (through my Khmer interpreter) that she was free and not controlled by the guesthouse. But soon she told her real story: a female cousin had arranged her sale and taken her to the guesthouse. Now she was sharing a room with three other prostitutes, and they were all pimped to guests.
''I can walk around in Poipet, but only with a close relative of the owner,'' she said. ''They keep me under close watch.They do not let me go out alone. They're afraid I would run away.''
Why not try to escape at night?
''They would get me back, and something bad would happen. Maybe a beating. I heard that when a group of girls tried to escape, they locked them in the rooms and beat them up.''
''What about the police?'' I asked. ''Couldn't you call out to the police for help?''
''The police wouldn't help me because they get bribes from the brothel owners,'' Srey Neth said, adding that senior police officials had come to the guesthouse for sex with her.
I asked Srey Neth how much it would cost to buy her freedom. She named an amount equivalent to $150.
''Do you really want to leave?'' I asked. ''Are you sure you wouldn't come back to this?''
She had been watching TV and listlessly answering my questions. Now she turned abruptly and snorted. ''This is a hell,'' she said sharply, speaking with passion for the first time. ''You think I want to do this?''
Another girl, Srey Mom, grabbed at me as I walked down the street. She wouldn't let go, tugging me toward the inner depths of her brothel -- but she looked so young and pitiable that I couldn't help thinking that she really wanted me to tug her away.
So I did. I paid the owner $8 to spring her for the evening and then took her away for an interview. (Photographs of both girls are at www.nytimes.com/kristof.)
The owner let Srey Mom go out unsupervised, it turned out, partly because she had been a prostitute for several years and was trusted to return -- and partly because her dark complexion meant that she was of little value anyway. The brothel sold her to men for just $2.50, compared with the $10 commanded by the lighter-skinned Srey Neth.
I asked Srey Mom what her freedom would cost. Payment of about $70 in debts to her brothel owner, she said. Two girls in her brothel had been freed after they found boyfriends who paid their debts, she said, and she spoke of her longing to see her sisters and the rest of her family in her village on the other side of Cambodia.
''Do you really want to leave the brothel?'' I asked.
''I love myself,'' she answered simply. ''I do not want to let my life be destroyed by what I'm doing now.''
That's when I made a firm decision I'd been toying with for some time: I would try to buy freedom for these two girls and return them to their families. I'll tell you in my column on Wednesday what happens next.
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