by Susan Sprecher, Ph.D.
American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too.
"Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up," according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. "Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other."
Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period.
By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged.
"These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love," said Dr. Sprecher, "but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing." She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends.
Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another.
Showing posts with label partner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label partner. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
FINDING SOMEONE RIGHT FOR YOU
Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.
You've heard it before, "Where have all the good men (women) gone?" or, "All the good ones are taken!" The way people talk, you would think that mates were an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings and ways in which you can increase your odds of finding a "compatible mate."
You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen.
Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
You've heard it before, "Where have all the good men (women) gone?" or, "All the good ones are taken!" The way people talk, you would think that mates were an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings and ways in which you can increase your odds of finding a "compatible mate."
You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen.
Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
Let's take a critical look at some common myths about romance.
Myth 1: Luck is the essence of romance.
Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven.
This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated.
If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us.
If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them.
Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven.
This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated.
If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us.
If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them.
FALLING IN AND OUT OF LOVE WITH ABUSIVE MEN
If your partner began your relationship as Prince Charming but now seems more like Jeckyll and Hyde then read on.
Maybe they just "clicked" when they first laid eyes on each other, ignoring everyone else at the party for the remainder of the evening. Maybe after their first date she went home on the highest of natural highs. Maybe they knew "everything" about each other in the first two weeks. Maybe the way he showed up everyday made her feel special, rather than waiting five days to see if he would call again. Maybe he told her he loved her after 3 weeks. Maybe she believed him. Maybe she so wanted to believe it was true that she told that gut feeling of "a bit premature isn't it?" to take a hike.
However it began, before long they were inseparable and she was the envy of all her friends, but somehow a few months later she had less friends than the una bomber. Sounding familiar at all? then ask yourself if any of the following scenarios ring a bell, because if they do, it's a warning bell that the honeymoon is over:
He shows up just as you're about to leave on a girls' night out and says if you go then he's breaking up with you.
You get dressed up to see him and he wonders aloud who are you dressing to impress after you see him.
You say hello to a man on the apartment block you live in and later he gives you the third degree over who this man is.
He decides he has a problem with the image you had when you met, suggesting a longer skirt, natural hair color.
He says you have to choose between remaining friends with male friends from when you were a kid and going out with him.
He beats your door down at 3 in the morning calling you a list of obscenities.
He is the sweetest and most apologetic guy you have ever known the next day. Every time. It was the old Jack Daniels he says. How can you resist that smile? He loves you.
He confides in you about past violence but still justifies it.
If you say you're leaving him, he says he'll kill himself.
He seems so convinced that it is you who is not treating him right that after a while you start to wonder if he's right.
You never know when something seemingly harmless you say may trigger his suspicion or anger.
You find yourself adjusting your life, censoring your recounting of experiences to try to offset the arguments. It doesn't work.
The way he shows up everyday is not exactly making you feel special anymore.
How many changes have you made for him versus how many has he made for you?
Ever thought to yourself, why don't those women whose partners abuse them just leave? People can stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of emotional manipulation, especially emotional blackmail. These are things most people can identify with as having experienced in some form or another. In the above case the behavior changes in him started gradually, subtly and only after she was convinced he was Mr. Right.
So she set a date, did not let him know her plans, and decided that if he hasn't changed by then he never will. She used the time preceding that date to prepare herself for the fact that love just isn't enough.
Maybe they just "clicked" when they first laid eyes on each other, ignoring everyone else at the party for the remainder of the evening. Maybe after their first date she went home on the highest of natural highs. Maybe they knew "everything" about each other in the first two weeks. Maybe the way he showed up everyday made her feel special, rather than waiting five days to see if he would call again. Maybe he told her he loved her after 3 weeks. Maybe she believed him. Maybe she so wanted to believe it was true that she told that gut feeling of "a bit premature isn't it?" to take a hike.
However it began, before long they were inseparable and she was the envy of all her friends, but somehow a few months later she had less friends than the una bomber. Sounding familiar at all? then ask yourself if any of the following scenarios ring a bell, because if they do, it's a warning bell that the honeymoon is over:
He shows up just as you're about to leave on a girls' night out and says if you go then he's breaking up with you.
You get dressed up to see him and he wonders aloud who are you dressing to impress after you see him.
You say hello to a man on the apartment block you live in and later he gives you the third degree over who this man is.
He decides he has a problem with the image you had when you met, suggesting a longer skirt, natural hair color.
He says you have to choose between remaining friends with male friends from when you were a kid and going out with him.
He beats your door down at 3 in the morning calling you a list of obscenities.
He is the sweetest and most apologetic guy you have ever known the next day. Every time. It was the old Jack Daniels he says. How can you resist that smile? He loves you.
He confides in you about past violence but still justifies it.
If you say you're leaving him, he says he'll kill himself.
He seems so convinced that it is you who is not treating him right that after a while you start to wonder if he's right.
You never know when something seemingly harmless you say may trigger his suspicion or anger.
You find yourself adjusting your life, censoring your recounting of experiences to try to offset the arguments. It doesn't work.
The way he shows up everyday is not exactly making you feel special anymore.
How many changes have you made for him versus how many has he made for you?
Ever thought to yourself, why don't those women whose partners abuse them just leave? People can stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of emotional manipulation, especially emotional blackmail. These are things most people can identify with as having experienced in some form or another. In the above case the behavior changes in him started gradually, subtly and only after she was convinced he was Mr. Right.
So she set a date, did not let him know her plans, and decided that if he hasn't changed by then he never will. She used the time preceding that date to prepare herself for the fact that love just isn't enough.
OLDER WOMEN TALK ABOUT SEX
by Beverly Johnson, Ph.D. RN
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How did these older women describe themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How did these older women describe themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.
Good Sex is Good for You!
"Life without love is like a coconut in which the milk is dried up." Henry David Thoreau
"Good sex....Improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity."
Scientific evidence is accumulating support what many of us have suspected all along: good sex not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, but it also actually improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity.
In a new book called Sexual Healing, Dr. Paul Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes that the joys and pleasures of living life and loving may provide us with something called an "intimacy inoculation" that actually protects us from disease.
Dr. Pearsall, who cites numerous other researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of physicians now recognize that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet, and exercise, but also --to a large extent-- on the social and emotional health of the individual."
Sexual healing is achieved primarily through the daily challenge of maintaining a close, intimate relationship which, when accomplished, leads to balance between our health and healing systems.
Can lack of sexual intimacy create a risk factor for certain diseases? Dr. Pearsall cites research and his own clinical experience ndicating that sexual dissatisfaction seems to be prevalent prior to a heart attack in a high percentage of persons. Conversely, sexual contentment appears related to less severe migraine headaches, fewer and less-severe symptoms of premenstrual syndrome for women, and a reduction in symptoms related to chronic arthritis for both genders.
Although the exact biological mechanisms are not yet identified, many researchers are investigating how our thoughts, feelings, brain, immune system and sexual/genital system interact, influence each other, and affect our health. There may be an actual biological drive toward closeness, intimacy, and being connected to other human beings.
When we experience intimate, mutually caring sexual intimacy, we may experience a measurable change in neurochemicals and hormones that pour through the body and help promote health and healing.
"Hormones that pour through the body help promote health and healing."
Does this mean that to live longer or be more healthy we just need to DO IT more often or better? Of course not! Sex is a much broader concept that genital connecting or having an orgasm. Psychologist and author Gina Ogden, Ph.D. notes in her book, "Women Who Love Sex", that sex has everything to do with openness, connection to and bonding with a partner, feelings about what is happening to us, and memories. For those who love it, sex permeates their lives and is not merely a specialized, time-intensive, physical activity that takes place under the covers--as quickly as possible.
As a result of interviewing many women, Dr. Ogden learned that sexual desire, or lust, was produced by much more than physical stimulation. For women, according to Dr.Ogden, it has more to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships: "Heart to heart, soul to soul, even mind to mind."
"For women, it has to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships."
When discussing sexual connecting, Dr. Ogden's interviewees spoke of a FLOWING CONTINUUM OF PLEASURE, ORGASM, AND ECSTASY, rather than a one-time experience. They also described peak sexual experiences as coming from stimulation all over their bodies--not just from their genitals--including fingers, toes, hips, lips, neck, and earlobes.
Obviously, arousal and satisfaction evolve not only from receiving sexual energy, but also from the joy of stimulating one's partner. Sex, then, is a commitment of give and take.
Finally, the women Dr. Ogden studied have their own concepts of safe sex, essential to experiencing sexual pleasure and ecstasy. This kind of safe sex does NOT relate to preventing STDs or pregnancy; it relates, instead, to emotional and spiritual safety. Such safety is CRUCIAL for sexual closeness. Most of the women insisted that warm, loving connections with themselves and with their partners were essential to and inseparable from the experience of sexual ecstasy.
When people feel deeply close while merely holding hands, they are having sex. When people display caring for each other through hugs, caresses, and kissing, they are also having sex. When connecting people in a crowded room wink at each other in their own secret way, they are communicating sex to each other; such non-contact sex can be excitedly arousing and emotionally fulfilling. And, of course, during sexual union when the sky seems to open so a lightning bolt can strike the couple--while fireworks ignite and the earth stops spinning-- this is sex, too.
But wait. Do men also need this almost spiritual connection to enjoy sex and achieve good health? Well, yes and no. Men need sex and men need emotional connection, but many men don't necessarily need to put the two together!
According to Dr. Bernie Zilbergelt, who wrote The New Male Sexuality, sex for women is intertwined with personal connection. For some men , sex is unto itself--an act to be engaged in with or without love, with or without commitment, with or without connection.
Presently, younger boys are being socialized in a more enlightened manner; consequently, male attitudes toward sexual union are changing. But,unfortunately, the socialization of many men born in or before the 60's provided very little information of value to the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships. These men were taught, as youths, that males showed love by doing, not by talking or "connecting" with girls.
"Fortunately, anyone can...restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow."
Older men were usually also socialized to be strong and self-reliant, which usually means one doesn't easily talk about or admit personal problems. Many such men do not acknowledge worries and fears to their partners; they simply try to handle everything on their own.
A consequence of such reticence is (1) lack of intimacy in the relationship, with the wife feeling "left out" of her husband's life; and (2) men often don't get what they need because they don't know how to ask for it, so they feel distanced and frustrated when they really want closeness and intimacy as much as their partner does.
Sex under these conditions creates distance in the relationship or creates sexual dysfunction which drives an even deeper wedge into the relationship. This is especially true if a man is married to a woman must be wanted by her husband to have her sexuality validated.
Consequently, sex routinely becomes mechanical, unfeeling, and unfulfilling. Fortunately, anyone can break this vicious cycle and restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow in the relationship.
"Good sex....Improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity."
Scientific evidence is accumulating support what many of us have suspected all along: good sex not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, but it also actually improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity.
In a new book called Sexual Healing, Dr. Paul Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes that the joys and pleasures of living life and loving may provide us with something called an "intimacy inoculation" that actually protects us from disease.
Dr. Pearsall, who cites numerous other researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of physicians now recognize that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet, and exercise, but also --to a large extent-- on the social and emotional health of the individual."
Sexual healing is achieved primarily through the daily challenge of maintaining a close, intimate relationship which, when accomplished, leads to balance between our health and healing systems.
Can lack of sexual intimacy create a risk factor for certain diseases? Dr. Pearsall cites research and his own clinical experience ndicating that sexual dissatisfaction seems to be prevalent prior to a heart attack in a high percentage of persons. Conversely, sexual contentment appears related to less severe migraine headaches, fewer and less-severe symptoms of premenstrual syndrome for women, and a reduction in symptoms related to chronic arthritis for both genders.
Although the exact biological mechanisms are not yet identified, many researchers are investigating how our thoughts, feelings, brain, immune system and sexual/genital system interact, influence each other, and affect our health. There may be an actual biological drive toward closeness, intimacy, and being connected to other human beings.
When we experience intimate, mutually caring sexual intimacy, we may experience a measurable change in neurochemicals and hormones that pour through the body and help promote health and healing.
"Hormones that pour through the body help promote health and healing."
Does this mean that to live longer or be more healthy we just need to DO IT more often or better? Of course not! Sex is a much broader concept that genital connecting or having an orgasm. Psychologist and author Gina Ogden, Ph.D. notes in her book, "Women Who Love Sex", that sex has everything to do with openness, connection to and bonding with a partner, feelings about what is happening to us, and memories. For those who love it, sex permeates their lives and is not merely a specialized, time-intensive, physical activity that takes place under the covers--as quickly as possible.
As a result of interviewing many women, Dr. Ogden learned that sexual desire, or lust, was produced by much more than physical stimulation. For women, according to Dr.Ogden, it has more to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships: "Heart to heart, soul to soul, even mind to mind."
"For women, it has to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships."
When discussing sexual connecting, Dr. Ogden's interviewees spoke of a FLOWING CONTINUUM OF PLEASURE, ORGASM, AND ECSTASY, rather than a one-time experience. They also described peak sexual experiences as coming from stimulation all over their bodies--not just from their genitals--including fingers, toes, hips, lips, neck, and earlobes.
Obviously, arousal and satisfaction evolve not only from receiving sexual energy, but also from the joy of stimulating one's partner. Sex, then, is a commitment of give and take.
Finally, the women Dr. Ogden studied have their own concepts of safe sex, essential to experiencing sexual pleasure and ecstasy. This kind of safe sex does NOT relate to preventing STDs or pregnancy; it relates, instead, to emotional and spiritual safety. Such safety is CRUCIAL for sexual closeness. Most of the women insisted that warm, loving connections with themselves and with their partners were essential to and inseparable from the experience of sexual ecstasy.
When people feel deeply close while merely holding hands, they are having sex. When people display caring for each other through hugs, caresses, and kissing, they are also having sex. When connecting people in a crowded room wink at each other in their own secret way, they are communicating sex to each other; such non-contact sex can be excitedly arousing and emotionally fulfilling. And, of course, during sexual union when the sky seems to open so a lightning bolt can strike the couple--while fireworks ignite and the earth stops spinning-- this is sex, too.
But wait. Do men also need this almost spiritual connection to enjoy sex and achieve good health? Well, yes and no. Men need sex and men need emotional connection, but many men don't necessarily need to put the two together!
According to Dr. Bernie Zilbergelt, who wrote The New Male Sexuality, sex for women is intertwined with personal connection. For some men , sex is unto itself--an act to be engaged in with or without love, with or without commitment, with or without connection.
Presently, younger boys are being socialized in a more enlightened manner; consequently, male attitudes toward sexual union are changing. But,unfortunately, the socialization of many men born in or before the 60's provided very little information of value to the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships. These men were taught, as youths, that males showed love by doing, not by talking or "connecting" with girls.
"Fortunately, anyone can...restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow."
Older men were usually also socialized to be strong and self-reliant, which usually means one doesn't easily talk about or admit personal problems. Many such men do not acknowledge worries and fears to their partners; they simply try to handle everything on their own.
A consequence of such reticence is (1) lack of intimacy in the relationship, with the wife feeling "left out" of her husband's life; and (2) men often don't get what they need because they don't know how to ask for it, so they feel distanced and frustrated when they really want closeness and intimacy as much as their partner does.
Sex under these conditions creates distance in the relationship or creates sexual dysfunction which drives an even deeper wedge into the relationship. This is especially true if a man is married to a woman must be wanted by her husband to have her sexuality validated.
Consequently, sex routinely becomes mechanical, unfeeling, and unfulfilling. Fortunately, anyone can break this vicious cycle and restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow in the relationship.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
How To Deal With A Break-up
Does a break-up in your relationship look imminent? Is a divorce as the sordid end to your marriage only a matter of time, or so it seems? Is your partner rejecting you?
If your answer to either of the above questions was "yes", there might have been times when the situation appeared beyond repair, or you might in fact be finding yourself "checkmated by destiny", or so to say.
Well, what you've got to remember is that it's never all that bad; it's all in the mind. And however bad the position may be, there's always a way out! In fact, you could win your ex-lover back, be together with him again and letting pleasant memories be what they are- pleasant! And it's not like all this is next to impossible, for many have been there before and done that- girls have got their ex-lovers back and boys have recaptured lost love.
And they weren't necessarily coached into it by psychologists or counselors. In fact, it won't be an exaggeration to say that many of them made it by sheer accident. Maybe as a matter of chance, they did the right kinds of things, said what was appropriate, at the right time. Others had "almost" ruined their relationship to a point of no return and the pendulum could have swung either way.
To reiterate a point, all is never lost. There's always a ray of hope which you can build on. And why just a ray of hope, you could be learning from those who have been successful, follow some well-meaning advice and get your ex-lovers back into your arms! It sure isn't easy dealing with a break-up, but it isn't very difficult either!
It may so happen that you keep mulling over what went wrong in the relationship, and how you could have averted the "inevitable" in the relationship. The more you analyze, the more the pain and the hurt reveal themselves to you. And then, when you bump into your ex-lover, you might start it all over again with him or her- both of you might break out into an argument, and the roller-coaster ride may get back to square one, maybe even what might seem like a dark alley.
Why did the split happen? Men and women, both have specific needs, and if these don't get fulfilled, the relationship might be on the rocks. So instead of trying to make your partner see things from your standpoint, just make her realize that he or she still needs you. And you don't have to memorize big speeches and rattle them off in order to salvage the situation!
You need not plead before your ex-lover to take you back into his/her arms. In fact, that would only make the situation worse, for nobody wants miserable losers, and that may lead to a loss of self-esteem on your part. Following a plan might do you and your cause a world of good.
If your answer to either of the above questions was "yes", there might have been times when the situation appeared beyond repair, or you might in fact be finding yourself "checkmated by destiny", or so to say.
Well, what you've got to remember is that it's never all that bad; it's all in the mind. And however bad the position may be, there's always a way out! In fact, you could win your ex-lover back, be together with him again and letting pleasant memories be what they are- pleasant! And it's not like all this is next to impossible, for many have been there before and done that- girls have got their ex-lovers back and boys have recaptured lost love.
And they weren't necessarily coached into it by psychologists or counselors. In fact, it won't be an exaggeration to say that many of them made it by sheer accident. Maybe as a matter of chance, they did the right kinds of things, said what was appropriate, at the right time. Others had "almost" ruined their relationship to a point of no return and the pendulum could have swung either way.
To reiterate a point, all is never lost. There's always a ray of hope which you can build on. And why just a ray of hope, you could be learning from those who have been successful, follow some well-meaning advice and get your ex-lovers back into your arms! It sure isn't easy dealing with a break-up, but it isn't very difficult either!
It may so happen that you keep mulling over what went wrong in the relationship, and how you could have averted the "inevitable" in the relationship. The more you analyze, the more the pain and the hurt reveal themselves to you. And then, when you bump into your ex-lover, you might start it all over again with him or her- both of you might break out into an argument, and the roller-coaster ride may get back to square one, maybe even what might seem like a dark alley.
Why did the split happen? Men and women, both have specific needs, and if these don't get fulfilled, the relationship might be on the rocks. So instead of trying to make your partner see things from your standpoint, just make her realize that he or she still needs you. And you don't have to memorize big speeches and rattle them off in order to salvage the situation!
You need not plead before your ex-lover to take you back into his/her arms. In fact, that would only make the situation worse, for nobody wants miserable losers, and that may lead to a loss of self-esteem on your part. Following a plan might do you and your cause a world of good.
The best Nigerian Girls Are From?
This title reminds of the story of the English professor who in describing
English women said they are pear shaped! Some argue that as it concerns
Nigerian girls, Yoruba girls are the closest in relationship to the typical
English woman if that professor was right, and I mean absolutely right! The
foregoing was for laughs! Nigeria is a very diverse country and so are its
women. We are trying to discover where the most desirable of girls come from
in Nigeria.
Are Nigerian Girls Different?
We don't know if it was myth, folktale, lazy talk but Nigerians seem to have
classed women from the east as the more beautiful and sexy lot? Igbos,
Deltans and the good old Calabar girls.... The saying back then (probably still
is...old stories die hard) was, 'if you allow a Calabar girl take care of you
or more specifically cook for you as a man, you will forget home'! You decide
if that is true!
Yoruba girls didn't seem to have any real reputation? Hmmm....we are searching
...YES! Yoruba girls (women) seem to have come away with the''orobo'' tag if you
know what I mean! For those who don't know, 'orobo' is a Yoruba reference to
someone who has a big bum! The fame of Yoruba women is the fame of big bums
and society parties where they role there bums around?!
There seems to be little mention of Nigerian girls from the North! The
slightest of things we can remember is that Northern girls have a distinctly
slender shape to them. I guess many of our views of Northern girls is
swallowed up in the nature of there religion? We are not sure but that seems
to closest answer to this piece of riddle. What do you reckon?
How Do You Date Nigerian Girls?
We beat our chests recently about how Polish men in the U.K would not be able
to walk up to a Nigerian babe and chat her up! We had to shut up when we saw
a Nigerian girl and a Polish man in a relationship the Polish man was bent on
taking down the aisle! We wonder if she has an ulterior motive! Anything can
happen you would say!
We have seen some profiles on Nigerian dating sites specifying that any
prospective partner must come from a specific part of the country. We wonder
if that's acutely narrowed minded?! We guess it all boils down to what the
individual wants!
English women said they are pear shaped! Some argue that as it concerns
Nigerian girls, Yoruba girls are the closest in relationship to the typical
English woman if that professor was right, and I mean absolutely right! The
foregoing was for laughs! Nigeria is a very diverse country and so are its
women. We are trying to discover where the most desirable of girls come from
in Nigeria.
Are Nigerian Girls Different?
We don't know if it was myth, folktale, lazy talk but Nigerians seem to have
classed women from the east as the more beautiful and sexy lot? Igbos,
Deltans and the good old Calabar girls.... The saying back then (probably still
is...old stories die hard) was, 'if you allow a Calabar girl take care of you
or more specifically cook for you as a man, you will forget home'! You decide
if that is true!
Yoruba girls didn't seem to have any real reputation? Hmmm....we are searching
...YES! Yoruba girls (women) seem to have come away with the''orobo'' tag if you
know what I mean! For those who don't know, 'orobo' is a Yoruba reference to
someone who has a big bum! The fame of Yoruba women is the fame of big bums
and society parties where they role there bums around?!
There seems to be little mention of Nigerian girls from the North! The
slightest of things we can remember is that Northern girls have a distinctly
slender shape to them. I guess many of our views of Northern girls is
swallowed up in the nature of there religion? We are not sure but that seems
to closest answer to this piece of riddle. What do you reckon?
How Do You Date Nigerian Girls?
We beat our chests recently about how Polish men in the U.K would not be able
to walk up to a Nigerian babe and chat her up! We had to shut up when we saw
a Nigerian girl and a Polish man in a relationship the Polish man was bent on
taking down the aisle! We wonder if she has an ulterior motive! Anything can
happen you would say!
We have seen some profiles on Nigerian dating sites specifying that any
prospective partner must come from a specific part of the country. We wonder
if that's acutely narrowed minded?! We guess it all boils down to what the
individual wants!
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
Some ways to find potential partners: by MANPREETKAPOOR
The best marketers receive a multitude of requests to do joint ventures regularly. You must either create a new approach or have a unique selling proposition to get to the head of group.
I find that working at building relationships with potential joint venture partner's works best. You will need to make a connection based on mutual possibilities. You will have a better chance of gaining what you want if you proceed with integrity and offer to help them in some way.
Some ways to find potential partners:
1. Search on search engines for the niche you are targeting for sites. Review the results. You will get more sites to look at than you can possibly want to review.
2. Visit websites you already know in the niche and look for testimonials. Contact the people leaving those testimonials. Testimonials are provided by happy customers. 3. Ask your current partners, clients and friends for referrals. 4. Research the events going on - speakers at the events make great potential joint venture partners. 5. Research the social sites for possible groups to join.
There are multitudes of ways to approach joint venture partners. Send an email; follow it up with a request for a phone talk works well. Use your subject line in your email to your advantage. If you have anyone referring you, indicate it in your email.
You must expect rejection. If you do not receive a reply to your email, you have the opportunity to decide if you chose to move forward. Make an effort to review your potential partner's website prior to contacting them. Find a reason that makes sense for the initial contact. Showing your knowledge of their efforts and/or expertise will help open the door for discussion.
If you make a good approach and it just isn't going to work, leave the door open for later contact. Building relationships takes time!
I find that working at building relationships with potential joint venture partner's works best. You will need to make a connection based on mutual possibilities. You will have a better chance of gaining what you want if you proceed with integrity and offer to help them in some way.
Some ways to find potential partners:
1. Search on search engines for the niche you are targeting for sites. Review the results. You will get more sites to look at than you can possibly want to review.
2. Visit websites you already know in the niche and look for testimonials. Contact the people leaving those testimonials. Testimonials are provided by happy customers. 3. Ask your current partners, clients and friends for referrals. 4. Research the events going on - speakers at the events make great potential joint venture partners. 5. Research the social sites for possible groups to join.
There are multitudes of ways to approach joint venture partners. Send an email; follow it up with a request for a phone talk works well. Use your subject line in your email to your advantage. If you have anyone referring you, indicate it in your email.
You must expect rejection. If you do not receive a reply to your email, you have the opportunity to decide if you chose to move forward. Make an effort to review your potential partner's website prior to contacting them. Find a reason that makes sense for the initial contact. Showing your knowledge of their efforts and/or expertise will help open the door for discussion.
If you make a good approach and it just isn't going to work, leave the door open for later contact. Building relationships takes time!
What Sexual Positions to Use? by Brian Welsch
Women’s magazines are often filled with articles promising sexual positions that will blow your mind and guarantee orgasms. Unfortunately a lot of these positions are complicated and require diagrams for you to follow the somewhat cryptic instructions. How can anyone have fun, let alone have an orgasm, when they are trying their best not to strain their backs in these fancy acrobatic sexual positions.
The truth is that sometimes even tried and tested positions will accomplish what you want, orgasms for the both of you. Remember that everyone is different and what works for some people may not work for you so experiment and decide what you love and what needs to be tossed.
The Jazzed Up Missionary
Think the missionary position is boring? Think again. By tweaking ‘ordinary’ sexual positions a little you can have very intense orgasms. First the woman places a cushion or pillow underneath her butt and while the man is thrusting, the woman brings her legs up as if folding her body in half.
This allows the woman’s G-spot to be stimulated and once she feels like she is about to orgasm she lowers her legs. Once this happens the man lifts his pelvic bone upwards and lines it up with the woman’s clitoris. This little twist on this old position makes it more intense and it’s sure to be met with success.
Slow and Steady
Sometimes the best way to achieve an orgasm is to get into sexual positions that allow great intimacy. A position that requires plenty of thrusting and movement is great sometimes but a relaxing one that allows you to look into your partner’s eyes is a must at times.
For such occasions the woman can lie on her back while the man lies on his side facing the woman. The woman then wraps her legs around the man’s hips and he slowly thrusts into her. These sexual positions can last for hours and can be very satisfying one.
The Reverse Cowgirl
It’s sometimes hard for a woman to achieve orgasm if the sexual positions do not provide enough stimulation to her clitoris. With a woman on top she can better control the pace and stimulate her clitoris if she wants to. Jazz this position up a little, the man lies on his back and the woman gets on top but with her back to her man’s face.
Instead of straddling the man’s hips she closes her legs and places her feet flat between the man’s legs. This increases the intensity of everything and will allow her to stimulate her clitoris if she wants to. The G-spot is also stimulated allowing for a more intense orgasm.
The truth is that sometimes even tried and tested positions will accomplish what you want, orgasms for the both of you. Remember that everyone is different and what works for some people may not work for you so experiment and decide what you love and what needs to be tossed.
The Jazzed Up Missionary
Think the missionary position is boring? Think again. By tweaking ‘ordinary’ sexual positions a little you can have very intense orgasms. First the woman places a cushion or pillow underneath her butt and while the man is thrusting, the woman brings her legs up as if folding her body in half.
This allows the woman’s G-spot to be stimulated and once she feels like she is about to orgasm she lowers her legs. Once this happens the man lifts his pelvic bone upwards and lines it up with the woman’s clitoris. This little twist on this old position makes it more intense and it’s sure to be met with success.
Slow and Steady
Sometimes the best way to achieve an orgasm is to get into sexual positions that allow great intimacy. A position that requires plenty of thrusting and movement is great sometimes but a relaxing one that allows you to look into your partner’s eyes is a must at times.
For such occasions the woman can lie on her back while the man lies on his side facing the woman. The woman then wraps her legs around the man’s hips and he slowly thrusts into her. These sexual positions can last for hours and can be very satisfying one.
The Reverse Cowgirl
It’s sometimes hard for a woman to achieve orgasm if the sexual positions do not provide enough stimulation to her clitoris. With a woman on top she can better control the pace and stimulate her clitoris if she wants to. Jazz this position up a little, the man lies on his back and the woman gets on top but with her back to her man’s face.
Instead of straddling the man’s hips she closes her legs and places her feet flat between the man’s legs. This increases the intensity of everything and will allow her to stimulate her clitoris if she wants to. The G-spot is also stimulated allowing for a more intense orgasm.
Girl On Girl: Hot Tips For First Time Lesbian Lovers!
OK...you can't fight it any more; you've always know that you had lesbian tendencies or were, at the very least bi-curious, and now you've decided to explore, explore, EXPLORE...
First off, you've got meet Miss Right (or even Miss Right Now!) and a niche dating site like PlanetSappho is a great place to start. You arrange a date - she's just what you were hoping for...and tonight's really IS the night..so hold on tight...
1) Making out. While making out Lesbian Move #1 can be used, namely you putting one of your legs between hers and grinding it up so that every once in a while it hits the clitoris through her pants. If done by a master of the technique (which I am not, but was done to me) climax can be acheived whilst the bottom is STILL wearing pants.
2) Clothing still on, but hands roaming around in the shirt, touching bare skin.
3) Bra removal (while shirt is still on!) **Important Note** - To mask killing the mood whilst fumbling at the catches, suck on her neck a bit so that she's not thinking about how clumsy you are.
4) LOTS of licking/ear sucking.
5) Shirt/total bra removal.
6) Kissing/licking/sucking upper chest and collarbone area. Optional: If you're a bit buff, reach behind her and like, hug her to you whilst doing this, tightish embraces at this point work fabulously.
7) NO BREASTS YET! Torso Teaser: Take your tongue and run it all the way down (roughly in a straight line between her breasts) until you get to the waistline of her pants, then kiss/lick/suck her stomach and work your way up.
8) NOW you can start in on breasts, but nipple work is last. Swirling your tongue has some fabulous facets to it, as does sucking. BDSM Option - Okay, NOT TOO HARD but just lightly enough to make it shocking, throw in a bit of a slow LIGHT bite, these are nipples here, don't be getting too hardcore with them!
9) Now we're ready for the big guns (since pretty much all of lesbian sex is foreplay, also, if she makes moves to remove bits of your clothing LET HER! Lesbian sex is all about playing switch and taking turns getting one another off. Multiple orgasms in combination with alternating tops make it last a LONG time.
10) Work your way back up and start making out again, if at any time during steps 2-8 you want to break and make out some more, feel free to do so, these are guidelines, not play by play scenarios, sex is a freestyle sport. Also, taking a breast (or two) in hand and kneading it (kinda like dough) is rather helpful every now and again.
11) Work on neck/ear kiss/suck/lick-ing, whilst doing so, work on the buttons of her pants, and the fly. At this point depending on HOW naked the two of you are getting, you can either go for pant/underwear removal, or just work a hand down there. **Foreplay Bonus** - BEFORE you put your hand into her pants, spend some time kneading her inner thighs (through clothes) with some open handed squeezing.
12a) Second Party Masturbation: Okay, the key here is, just think about the things you like doing to yourself during masturbation, that, and FINDING the clitoris on another person, which may take awhile. Also, don't neglect the sides of the clitoris, and for Gods' sakes don't forget to relube every once in awhile. This can be taken care of rather hotly, take your middle finger and dip down, all nerves in the vaginal canal exist in the first 1/3rd of it after the opening anyway, so unless you're hunting down the G-spot or using a strap-on depth really doesn't matter all that much. Single finger penetration at this point, HOT! After you've gotten more lubrication, go back up and continue clitoral stimulation. Your hand is probably going to get excruciatingly tired, BUT KEEP GOING! Because you're probably going to have to speed up the tempo once your partner starts nearing climax, and that hurts like a bitch, but the payoff is worth it.
12b) Going Downtown: This requires total pant removal, to remove the awkwardness from the situation (ie, her pants/underwear are PROBABLY going to get stuck at some point) spend time, when something goes awry, kissing any available skin to make your partner feel sexy and not ridiculous because her pants are stuck. Okay, at this point, Pants/Underwear Are Now Off: There it is, in all of it's furred glory. Note: To make it easier on your partner you should really trim your bush down to a rather manageable size, because the last thing ANYONE wants to do is floss with your pubic hair, and yes, this DOES HAPPEN so be forewarned. Right, now we're working on foreplay-ish things, because that's what the majority of lesbian sex is (when considered by the hetero-realm), foreplay. So kiss/suck/lick her inner thighs, because they're highly sensitive, and if you're absolutely totally lost down there and can't even figure out WHERE the vaginal opening is (much less the clitoris) take ONE finger (depending on how totally gay your partner is, you may only be able to use one finger at ALL during all of this, some women are tighter than others) and do slow penetration again, and then drag it up her inner labial lips until you hit the clit, then you've found your treasure map X. Take your tongue and do the exact same thing you did with your finger, only you don't have to pull off penetration, just the slow upward stroke TO BE CONTINUED!
12c) G-spot: COMING SOON!
12d) Strap-ons: COMING SOON!
13) When ALL of this is over, you better not forget to cuddle! Lest you be likened to *gasp* some crude insensitive straight man. And who wants that?
Good Luck and Good Nights. This public service announcement brought to you to help young inexperienced lesbians everywhere!
First off, you've got meet Miss Right (or even Miss Right Now!) and a niche dating site like PlanetSappho is a great place to start. You arrange a date - she's just what you were hoping for...and tonight's really IS the night..so hold on tight...
1) Making out. While making out Lesbian Move #1 can be used, namely you putting one of your legs between hers and grinding it up so that every once in a while it hits the clitoris through her pants. If done by a master of the technique (which I am not, but was done to me) climax can be acheived whilst the bottom is STILL wearing pants.
2) Clothing still on, but hands roaming around in the shirt, touching bare skin.
3) Bra removal (while shirt is still on!) **Important Note** - To mask killing the mood whilst fumbling at the catches, suck on her neck a bit so that she's not thinking about how clumsy you are.
4) LOTS of licking/ear sucking.
5) Shirt/total bra removal.
6) Kissing/licking/sucking upper chest and collarbone area. Optional: If you're a bit buff, reach behind her and like, hug her to you whilst doing this, tightish embraces at this point work fabulously.
7) NO BREASTS YET! Torso Teaser: Take your tongue and run it all the way down (roughly in a straight line between her breasts) until you get to the waistline of her pants, then kiss/lick/suck her stomach and work your way up.
8) NOW you can start in on breasts, but nipple work is last. Swirling your tongue has some fabulous facets to it, as does sucking. BDSM Option - Okay, NOT TOO HARD but just lightly enough to make it shocking, throw in a bit of a slow LIGHT bite, these are nipples here, don't be getting too hardcore with them!
9) Now we're ready for the big guns (since pretty much all of lesbian sex is foreplay, also, if she makes moves to remove bits of your clothing LET HER! Lesbian sex is all about playing switch and taking turns getting one another off. Multiple orgasms in combination with alternating tops make it last a LONG time.
10) Work your way back up and start making out again, if at any time during steps 2-8 you want to break and make out some more, feel free to do so, these are guidelines, not play by play scenarios, sex is a freestyle sport. Also, taking a breast (or two) in hand and kneading it (kinda like dough) is rather helpful every now and again.
11) Work on neck/ear kiss/suck/lick-ing, whilst doing so, work on the buttons of her pants, and the fly. At this point depending on HOW naked the two of you are getting, you can either go for pant/underwear removal, or just work a hand down there. **Foreplay Bonus** - BEFORE you put your hand into her pants, spend some time kneading her inner thighs (through clothes) with some open handed squeezing.
12a) Second Party Masturbation: Okay, the key here is, just think about the things you like doing to yourself during masturbation, that, and FINDING the clitoris on another person, which may take awhile. Also, don't neglect the sides of the clitoris, and for Gods' sakes don't forget to relube every once in awhile. This can be taken care of rather hotly, take your middle finger and dip down, all nerves in the vaginal canal exist in the first 1/3rd of it after the opening anyway, so unless you're hunting down the G-spot or using a strap-on depth really doesn't matter all that much. Single finger penetration at this point, HOT! After you've gotten more lubrication, go back up and continue clitoral stimulation. Your hand is probably going to get excruciatingly tired, BUT KEEP GOING! Because you're probably going to have to speed up the tempo once your partner starts nearing climax, and that hurts like a bitch, but the payoff is worth it.
12b) Going Downtown: This requires total pant removal, to remove the awkwardness from the situation (ie, her pants/underwear are PROBABLY going to get stuck at some point) spend time, when something goes awry, kissing any available skin to make your partner feel sexy and not ridiculous because her pants are stuck. Okay, at this point, Pants/Underwear Are Now Off: There it is, in all of it's furred glory. Note: To make it easier on your partner you should really trim your bush down to a rather manageable size, because the last thing ANYONE wants to do is floss with your pubic hair, and yes, this DOES HAPPEN so be forewarned. Right, now we're working on foreplay-ish things, because that's what the majority of lesbian sex is (when considered by the hetero-realm), foreplay. So kiss/suck/lick her inner thighs, because they're highly sensitive, and if you're absolutely totally lost down there and can't even figure out WHERE the vaginal opening is (much less the clitoris) take ONE finger (depending on how totally gay your partner is, you may only be able to use one finger at ALL during all of this, some women are tighter than others) and do slow penetration again, and then drag it up her inner labial lips until you hit the clit, then you've found your treasure map X. Take your tongue and do the exact same thing you did with your finger, only you don't have to pull off penetration, just the slow upward stroke TO BE CONTINUED!
12c) G-spot: COMING SOON!
12d) Strap-ons: COMING SOON!
13) When ALL of this is over, you better not forget to cuddle! Lest you be likened to *gasp* some crude insensitive straight man. And who wants that?
Good Luck and Good Nights. This public service announcement brought to you to help young inexperienced lesbians everywhere!
How To Achieve A Fulfilling Sexual Relationship
An active and healthy sex life is usually a source of great pleasure and enjoyment, but it can also cause a great deal of stress between couples. Even if you have a fulfilling sex life that satisfies your desires, you may still worry about how normal your relationship is compared to other couples.
A great sex life is not dependant on frequency or performance and each person will have their own definition of what constitutes a fulfilling sexual relationship. If your sex life satisfies your desires and makes you and your partner feel good you have nothing to worry about and you should not be concerned with what other people get up to in the bedroom.
Its common for couples to wonder how normal their sex life is and compare it with their friends and people they know to see if there are any differences. The problem is that there is no single definition of what a normal sex life actually is and each person will have their own opinion about it. What one person thinks is normal may not be for someone else.
With so many different cultural and religious beliefs in today's society, its impossible to define exactly what a normal sex life actually is. Couples may even disagree with each other about what a normal sexual relationship should be so its important to find a compromise that will meet each other's needs.
While the average married couple may have intercourse several times per week, it doesn't mean that this is a normal sex life that all couples should strive to achieve. Some couples may only have intercourse once per week or every few weeks, while other couples may have intercourse as many as twenty times or more per week.
A fulfilling sexual relationship should be whatever makes you happy, so it doesn't matter about the frequency and performance, as long as both you and your partner are satisfied. No matter how many times you have intercourse per week, its within the range of normal human experience and should not be considered abnormal.
We all have our own sexual fantasies and desires, but as long as they don't lead to emotional or physical discomfort they should not be a cause for concern. Achieving harmony in a relationship, both emotionally and physically, should be the first priority as this will lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life between you and your partner.
A great sex life is not dependant on frequency or performance and each person will have their own definition of what constitutes a fulfilling sexual relationship. If your sex life satisfies your desires and makes you and your partner feel good you have nothing to worry about and you should not be concerned with what other people get up to in the bedroom.
Its common for couples to wonder how normal their sex life is and compare it with their friends and people they know to see if there are any differences. The problem is that there is no single definition of what a normal sex life actually is and each person will have their own opinion about it. What one person thinks is normal may not be for someone else.
With so many different cultural and religious beliefs in today's society, its impossible to define exactly what a normal sex life actually is. Couples may even disagree with each other about what a normal sexual relationship should be so its important to find a compromise that will meet each other's needs.
While the average married couple may have intercourse several times per week, it doesn't mean that this is a normal sex life that all couples should strive to achieve. Some couples may only have intercourse once per week or every few weeks, while other couples may have intercourse as many as twenty times or more per week.
A fulfilling sexual relationship should be whatever makes you happy, so it doesn't matter about the frequency and performance, as long as both you and your partner are satisfied. No matter how many times you have intercourse per week, its within the range of normal human experience and should not be considered abnormal.
We all have our own sexual fantasies and desires, but as long as they don't lead to emotional or physical discomfort they should not be a cause for concern. Achieving harmony in a relationship, both emotionally and physically, should be the first priority as this will lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life between you and your partner.
How Couples Can Deal With Different Levels Of Sexual Desire: by Tristan Bailey
We all have different levels of interest in sex and our libido can fluctuate quite dramatically throughout our lifetime, especially as we get older. Couples who have small differences in sexual desire can manage the situation relatively easily, but problems can occur when the disparity is much larger.
When one person desires sex more often than their partner it can have a negative impact on a relationship, and if not dealt with, the situation can become intolerable. When there is a massive difference in the level of sexual desire between two people in a relationship it can be very hard to find a solution that will satisfy each other's needs.
The person who has a lower level of sexual desire will often feel pressured to do something that they don't feel like doing and over time this can lead to resentment and anger. As the situation gets worse they will start to lose interest in sex altogether and their level of sexual desire will decrease even further.
The person who has a higher level of sexual desire will often feel unloved, deprived, and desperate because they are not getting what they want and need from the relationship. As the situation gets worse they will start to want sex even more frequently and their level of sexual desire will increase even further.
This creates a vicious circle where one person's sexual desire increases while the other person loses all interest and this can result in the relationship becoming unbearable. But while this is a serious problem, it can be resolved if both parties are willing to make an effort to accommodate for each other's differences.
Its a delicate balance between not pressuring one person to have sex when they don't want to, and making sure the other person's sexual needs are being met adequately. If this problem has existed for a long time during a relationship the situation may have become so bad that the help of a therapist may be required to try and resolve it.
To solve this problem, the person with the lower level of sexual desire must be willing to provide sexual satisfaction to their partner in ways that don't involve intercourse. As well as not being forced to have intercourse when they are not aroused, they may also gain pleasure from pleasing their partner.
Doing this will reduce the pressure for more frequent sex from the person with a higher level of sexual desire and they will regain the feeling that their partner cares about their needs. The other person may also experience an increased level of sexual desire because they are not being forced to have intercourse and there is less strain on the relationship.
When one person desires sex more often than their partner it can have a negative impact on a relationship, and if not dealt with, the situation can become intolerable. When there is a massive difference in the level of sexual desire between two people in a relationship it can be very hard to find a solution that will satisfy each other's needs.
The person who has a lower level of sexual desire will often feel pressured to do something that they don't feel like doing and over time this can lead to resentment and anger. As the situation gets worse they will start to lose interest in sex altogether and their level of sexual desire will decrease even further.
The person who has a higher level of sexual desire will often feel unloved, deprived, and desperate because they are not getting what they want and need from the relationship. As the situation gets worse they will start to want sex even more frequently and their level of sexual desire will increase even further.
This creates a vicious circle where one person's sexual desire increases while the other person loses all interest and this can result in the relationship becoming unbearable. But while this is a serious problem, it can be resolved if both parties are willing to make an effort to accommodate for each other's differences.
Its a delicate balance between not pressuring one person to have sex when they don't want to, and making sure the other person's sexual needs are being met adequately. If this problem has existed for a long time during a relationship the situation may have become so bad that the help of a therapist may be required to try and resolve it.
To solve this problem, the person with the lower level of sexual desire must be willing to provide sexual satisfaction to their partner in ways that don't involve intercourse. As well as not being forced to have intercourse when they are not aroused, they may also gain pleasure from pleasing their partner.
Doing this will reduce the pressure for more frequent sex from the person with a higher level of sexual desire and they will regain the feeling that their partner cares about their needs. The other person may also experience an increased level of sexual desire because they are not being forced to have intercourse and there is less strain on the relationship.
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