HOW TO COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY

by Sherry Obenaurer M.A.,M.Ed.
You're not listening to me! You never hear what I have to say! You never remember anything I tell you! All you ever do is yell! You never talk to me! Familiar? Most of us have said something of the sort on more than one occasion with little effect. A communication problem is often named the number-one reason for relationship endings. Yet the majority of people assume they know how to communicate effectively. Even though they have poor listening skills and often use manipulation, yelling, silence, threats, or blaming in order to try and be heard. However, all of us can learn effective communication regardless of age, if willing.
Most of us learn how to communicate based on modeling how our parents communicated with each other and with us. Unfortunately, many parents still believe that children should be "seen and not heard" or do not respect the feelings, opinions, and thoughts of children. Instead, parents are assumed to always "know better." Many parents tell their children to "shut up," ignore their children, or punish them for expressing themselves, instead of taking the time to sit and listen to what they have to say.
Further, if a child is raised in an abusive environment, verbal and sometimes physical violence is used as a means of "communicating" one's feelings. Calm respectful discussions are rarely witnessed and conflicts are seldom resolved. Such children often become adults who are either uncommunicative for fear of negative repercussions or are verbally abusive towards those close to them.
The impact this early treatment teaches us that what we have to say is unimportant or of lesser importance than what someone else has to say. It also teaches us that we are not allowed to voice (or even have) our feelings. It teaches us to disrespect others and to use power as a way of controlling a conversation. It teaches us that conversations are one-sided and that disagreements do not involve compromise or discussion. In total, much of our early experiences have taught us how to communicate ineffectively.
Regardless of our upbringing, all of us can learn healthier ways of communicating. However, this process takes time, patience, and perseverance. Remember, many of us have had at least 20 years of communicating in a certain way and learning new skills takes time. These skills can be used to communicate with anyone of any age regardless of the relationship you may have with the other person.
Statistics suggest that between 70-90% of what we communicate is nonverbal. It's not what you say, but how you say it that relates your true message. To get your message across nonverbally, it's important to maintain eye contact when listening and to vary the amount of eye contact when speaking. You should face the person being spoken with, nod every now and then to show understanding, and avoid fidgeting or walking away.
Facial expressions reflect how you're affected by the other person's message, however, avoid rolling your eyes, sneering, or shaking your head as these behaviors tend to shut the other person down. You should also maintain an open posture and avoid crossing your arms and legs, as this communicates a lack of openness and rigidity. Above all else, never interrupt the person speaking. Extend the person some respect by allowing him or her the time to deliver the full message. Interrupting suggests that you've been spending more time thinking of responses than listening.
Verbal communication accounts for about 25% of the message being sent. The most important aspect of verbal messaging is to ensure that what you express matches how you are expressing it. Telling someone you don't feel angry with clenched teeth and piercing eyes is inconsistent as is telling someone how much you love and appreciate him or her while yawning and staring at the television. Typically, how you say something relates your true feelings.
While speaking, talk loud enough to be heard while avoiding yelling, as this turns people off. Vary your pitch so as not to sound monotone, as this tends to lull others to sleep and shows a lack of emotional expression. When speaking with seniors, deepen your tone as we lose the ability to hear higher frequencies with age. If the message you wish to send is of great importance to you, make sure that distractions and interruptions are minimized (e.g., television, radio, phone, visitors, children, pets, et cetera). Make sure the person has your undivided attention.
In today's world, there never seems to be enough time to do everything that needs to be done. This is not a good excuse for poor communication habits. Time must be set aside each day to allow each person the opportunity to express him- or herself. Some families set aside time on the weekend for a family meeting to give each member of the family a chance to voice his or her concerns. Of course, communication isn't just about resolving problems; it's anything that you say good or bad.
When voicing your feelings, use "I feel" and not "you make me feel" statements as this sets up defensiveness in others. Take responsibility for your own feelings. If someone has done something that has hurt you, address the behaviors and not the person. For example, if you were hurt because your partner failed to do the dishes as promised, say "I feel hurt that you didn't wash the dishes" instead of "You are so insensitive and a jerk for not doing the dishes." Focus on the person's behavior; don't attack his or her character.
When addressing how you feel and the behavior that caused it, finish up by stating the effect the behavior had on you and what you would like to see change as a result of your discussion. It's unfair to tell someone what was done wrong without indicating what action you would like to see in the future. For example, "I felt hurt when you didn't wash the dishes because I trusted your word. It's important to me that you do what you say you will do. Could you make sure they're done next time or perhaps you have another idea?" By expressing your feelings, outlining the behavior you would like changed, and suggesting some alternate behavior keeps the communication lines open. Attacking someone's actions or being often falls on deaf ears.
Of course, there are times when healthy communication is ill- received. Most people, over time, will alter their interaction style to suit yours or chance the risk of losing the relationship. However, there are some people who refuse to accept responsibility for their hurtful or harmful behavior, refuse to listen, and choose to use insults, ignoring, or other destructive ways to communicate. In these cases, you must decide what is best for you. You may decide to end the relationship, avoid future interactions, or minimize contact. Or, you may need to learn to depersonalize what these people say and realize that how they act says more about them than it does about you.
Communication has both verbal and nonverbal components and is a very complex process. Communication is the basis for all relationships, yet many of us lack the skills necessary to communicate effectively. Like learning to ride a bike, learning how to listen and express yourself can be learned. Perhaps of greatest importance is learning how to listen. This is perhaps why we have two ears and only one mouth. Communication isn't just about you, it involves other people too. Being able to rephrase and summarize what someone else has said or remaining silent leads to great understanding.
Perhaps, we should be asking ourselves what we ask of others. I'm not listening to you. I never hear what you have to say. I never remember anything you tell me. All I ever do is yell. I never talk to you. We must change ourselves before we can expect others to. So, start communicating!

Do You Need a Cell Phone Recorder? by Tom Rasmussen

With all the cool technology available, it can be tempting to buy gadgets just for the sake of buying gadgets. On the other hand, some technology can really be useful. The cell phone recorder falls into this category of possibly useful and possibly just a gadget.
Do you need a recorder to capture your cell phone conversations? Most people will automatically answer a resounding no to this, but may still want such a device because they’re cool. Other people will answer yes, I definitely need one. And most people will wonder how they would use a machine like this if they had it.
If you’re considering buying a cell phone recorder, how will you use it? Keep in mind that in most areas you can legally record phone conversations, including cell phone calls, only if you disclose the recording to the other party in advance and get their permission.
If you’re planning to record phone calls so that you can recall project and discussion details and make sure you’re on the same page with a client, supervisor or employee, then recording should be fine. Very few people will object when you have a strong reason for recording the phone call.
If capturing cell phone calls is part of a plan to discredit, embarrass or otherwise harm the other party, and you’re not planning to get their permission to tape them, a cell phone recorder could cause you some serious legal problems, and possibly some jail time. In that case, you should probably reconsider your purchase.
If you sometimes make calls from your office phone and sometimes from your cell, and need to record from both locations, one device will record from both phones, so you won’t have to purchase two recorders.
A cell phone recorder is definitely a cool gadget, and you will no doubt enjoy using it and impressing your friends with your new toy. But if you have a legitimate need to record phone conversations, legally, this may become an indispensable device for you. As we move more and more toward using our cell phones exclusively, being able to record your cell phone conversations becomes ever more important.

Dating Advice Tip: The Movies, Dinner and Your Life Story

It has happened to the best of us. People who went out of their way to make sure the date went smoothly have found themselves in the same predicament. On more than a few occasions it has been the deciding issue in whether the dating relationship blossoms or flops.
Having good conversation is essential for not only getting to know the other person but also establishing a comfort zone. When there is a healthy dose of give and take discussion between you and your date then there is a propensity for both parties to lighten up. Any musician, athlete or artist will tell you their best work happens when they are relaxed. It's no different for dating.
It's not that you want or need to fill every silent moment with chatter. Indeed once you establish that conversation comfort zone than the pauses are no longer awkward. In fact it's more than okay to take a breather and gather your thoughts. Or just enjoy the ambience and good vibes you both are sharing.
All of this starts with good chatter between the two of you. What you must be on guard against is that you do not get too carried away. In some circles it's known as sharing too much information; commonly referred to as hogging the conversation.
It's an easy trap to fall into. Both of you have come armed with things to discuss; current events, what was TV or how was you day at work. The discussion starts to flow and it seems like it's only a matter of time before it goes to the next level.
But suddenly it's become a one person show. Yours. You talk and talk and keep talking to the point there is no way your date can get a word in edgewise. You remember your childhood just like it was yesterday. The only problem is you then proceed to explain in long drawn out detail what you were doing everyday between the ages 14 and 17 including weekends. If your date amazingly manages to break thru and mention something related to their own personal experience, it only serves to crank you up a couple of more notches and send you off on another tangent.
Few things can raise a red flag better than conversation domination. It alerts your date to the fact that if they were to go forward with the relationship, they better get used to playing second fiddle because life with you is going to be all about you.
Instead let them know they are an equal partner on this date. You've got good conversations skills but you may impress them even more if you spend the same amount of time listening. If the comfort zone you established has gotten your date to open up about themselves, then do them and yourself a favor by sharing some of that spotlight. This tells your date that it is not all about you and that you find them fascinating as well.
It also comes down to restraint. Not sharing so much of your life's history the first few dates lends you an air of mystery. That doesn't mean ducking questions or exaggerating your answers. It does mean however saving some of that good information for another time. When you share so much of yourself at one sitting, your date may see no reason to go any further since in their eyes they basically know all they need to know about you.
If you are excited about someone it's easy to get carried away. You like them and you are showing trust by sharing different aspects of your life. Just keep in mind that it is a two way street. Focus on a balanced amount of give and take and let your life's history (and your date's) naturally unfold as the relationship grows.