by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.
When Diana sat down with her friends at their college reunion, she heard all about their careers. One was a lawyer, one owned a business, one was a computer systems analyst. Diana left feeling frustrated and disillusioned. She chose to be a probation officer so she could help people. However, the problems she faces are overwhelming, and the rewards are few and far between.
If you work in one of the human services, you probably want to help people. That's a good reason for choosing the work you do, but it's not very specific. It's important to know what makes you want to come to work every day, especially for people in human services. We often get mixed messages from the world at large about the worth of what we do. Most of us have been told, "That must be so rewarding," or "you must have so much patience." Those comments usually mean "I don't understand why you want to work so hard for so little money," or "It must be so awful to spend your days with people who are down and out."
People who work as helpers need to be able to identify the nonmonetary rewards they get from their work. That's important because monetary rewards will always be in short supply. However, sometimes people in human services feel guilty about wanting to get self-satisfaction from their work.
Those guilty feelings are unfortunate because there's nothing wrong with wanting to like the work you do. There are many different ways to help, and some people are not equally well-suited for all of them. It makes sense to look for work that is both satisfying personally and helpful to others.
Every career has both advantages and disadvantages. Some of what you do will be rewarding, and some will be unpleasant. Each of us is unique in terms of what we find rewarding and how much reinforcement we need to feel self-satisfaction from our work. That's why it's important to know yourself well enough to pick a job that is a good fit.
One useful exercise is to make a two-column list. On one side, list all the rewards you get from your current work. On the other side, list all the disadvantages and drawbacks. Then ask yourself whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. When you do this, remember to be honest with yourself.
Remember it's okay to have selfish motives as well as unselfish ones, and it's okay to have fun while you work. It is also okay to have unselfish motives such as making people's lives a little easier. On the other hand, it is not okay to do human services because you think you should find it rewarding, or because you believe people will think you are a good person. Whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because someone else wants you to.
Remember, people who genuinely like their work and find it rewarding usually do a better job than people who do not like what they do.
Tuesday 29 July 2008
INCOME AND PENIS SIZE:OVERCOMING MASCULINE DOUBTS
by Ray Bruce, Ph.D.
Eric, 26, has just completed his Ph.D. in applied digital engineering. He's wondering what he's going to do now. Out of school and out of work, he's questioning his relationship and his life. His girl friend, Kim, has just had her best year ever as a stock broker with a major NYSE Member Firm. She says it doesn't matter who makes the most money. He's not so sure.
Next to penis size, questioning his ability to provide anadequate income is the surest way to create doubt for a man. A man who believes he's at risk with either is vulnerable on all fronts. Why are sexual prowess and income so important? Because they provide men with the most obvious symbols of identity. Externals seem to be everything in our MTV paced, consumer oriented culture. Sound bites don't give much time for more than a passing glance. If you have the right clothes, the right audio/video link, and the right job, you must be Mr. or Ms. right. If you don't, you're out. It's the external law of the jungle.
But things may be changing. Beyond income, what does work have to offer? Fortune Magazine in it's December 26, 1994 issue asks the question "Why do we work?" Their conclusion is scary for many men. Fortune reports that personal satisfaction seems to come in four ways:
achieving technical excellence
serving a purpose larger than the individual
being a part of a team
by finding what your spirit needs
Here's the rub. Of these four springboards to satisfaction, only technical excellence deals with externals, the other three address inside issues. How can men develop tools to compete on the "insidetrack?" One place to begin is to develop a personal mission statement.
Stephen Covey in his best selling book, Seven Basic Habits of Highly Effective People says, "You see, once you can decide what you are about and what you treasure, what you value, you've automatically got guidelines. You've developed the criteria for making all of the decisions in your life."
Eric, 26, has just completed his Ph.D. in applied digital engineering. He's wondering what he's going to do now. Out of school and out of work, he's questioning his relationship and his life. His girl friend, Kim, has just had her best year ever as a stock broker with a major NYSE Member Firm. She says it doesn't matter who makes the most money. He's not so sure.
Next to penis size, questioning his ability to provide anadequate income is the surest way to create doubt for a man. A man who believes he's at risk with either is vulnerable on all fronts. Why are sexual prowess and income so important? Because they provide men with the most obvious symbols of identity. Externals seem to be everything in our MTV paced, consumer oriented culture. Sound bites don't give much time for more than a passing glance. If you have the right clothes, the right audio/video link, and the right job, you must be Mr. or Ms. right. If you don't, you're out. It's the external law of the jungle.
But things may be changing. Beyond income, what does work have to offer? Fortune Magazine in it's December 26, 1994 issue asks the question "Why do we work?" Their conclusion is scary for many men. Fortune reports that personal satisfaction seems to come in four ways:
achieving technical excellence
serving a purpose larger than the individual
being a part of a team
by finding what your spirit needs
Here's the rub. Of these four springboards to satisfaction, only technical excellence deals with externals, the other three address inside issues. How can men develop tools to compete on the "insidetrack?" One place to begin is to develop a personal mission statement.
Stephen Covey in his best selling book, Seven Basic Habits of Highly Effective People says, "You see, once you can decide what you are about and what you treasure, what you value, you've automatically got guidelines. You've developed the criteria for making all of the decisions in your life."
HOW WOMEN FEEL ABOUT ABORTIONS
by Nancy Felipe Russo
Social scientists have known for years that the availability of legal abortion is not associated with long-term psychological distress in women who use it. An eight-year longitudinal study involving nearly 5,300 young women published in1992 found that the best predictor of well-being in women over the course of the study was their well-being at the start of the study, not their income level, job status, level of education or martial status or -- quite specifically -- whether they had had an abortion. Now a new follow-up study, published in the current edition of the American Psychological Association's (APA) journal Professional Psychology: Research and Practice finds that the same conclusion still applies regardless of religious or racial differences.
The study, by psychologists Nancy Felipe Russo, Ph.D., of Arizona State University and Amy J. Dabul, Ph.D., of Phoenix College, is further analysis of data gathered from a national sample of 5,295 women aged 14 to 24 (in 1979) who were interviewed annually from 1979 to 1987. The women's well-being was assessed using a reliable and valid measure of self-esteem in 1980 and again in 1987. This time, in addition to looking at variables such as income, employment and education, the researchers looked at race and religious beliefs and practices to see if they had any effect on women's well-being after having had an abortion.
They found that, overall, White women and Black women did not differ statistically on measures of self-esteem. Approximately the same proportion of Black women and White women reported having had an abortion (14.6% and 14.9% respectively), but Black women had more abortions than White women and Black women who had abortions were more likely than White women to be mothers (86% vs 57%). Nonetheless, having had an abortion (or more than one) had no relation with self-esteem in either group: "For both Black women and White women, prior self-esteem was the biggest predictor of subsequent self-esteem," the authors note. The same held true when they compared Black and White women who reported a religious affiliation and high or low church attendance with those who were not religious.
Since the type of religion to which women who had an abortion belonged also did not make a difference in their post-abortion well-being, the researchers focused specifically on Catholic versus non-Catholic women, given that the Catholic Church "has a consistent antiabortion position that is vigorously promoted."
Their findings in this analysis were more complex: nonCatholic women who had high church attendance and one abortion had the highest self-esteem; non-Catholic women who had low church attendance and repeat abortions had the lowest self-esteem. But at the same time, high-church-attendance non-Catholic women with one abortion had significantly higher self-esteem than did low-churchattendance Catholic women with no abortions. "Although highly religious Catholic women were slightly more likely to exhibit postabortion psychological distress than other women," the researchers say, "this fact is explained by lower pre-existing well-being."
Given these findings, the researchers ask: "Do highly distressed women who have had an abortion exist?" And, they answer: "Yes. But their distress is likely to be rooted in events and conditions that existed before they became pregnant. Legal abortion per se does not increase a woman's risk of negative wellbeing."
Social scientists have known for years that the availability of legal abortion is not associated with long-term psychological distress in women who use it. An eight-year longitudinal study involving nearly 5,300 young women published in1992 found that the best predictor of well-being in women over the course of the study was their well-being at the start of the study, not their income level, job status, level of education or martial status or -- quite specifically -- whether they had had an abortion. Now a new follow-up study, published in the current edition of the American Psychological Association's (APA) journal Professional Psychology: Research and Practice finds that the same conclusion still applies regardless of religious or racial differences.
The study, by psychologists Nancy Felipe Russo, Ph.D., of Arizona State University and Amy J. Dabul, Ph.D., of Phoenix College, is further analysis of data gathered from a national sample of 5,295 women aged 14 to 24 (in 1979) who were interviewed annually from 1979 to 1987. The women's well-being was assessed using a reliable and valid measure of self-esteem in 1980 and again in 1987. This time, in addition to looking at variables such as income, employment and education, the researchers looked at race and religious beliefs and practices to see if they had any effect on women's well-being after having had an abortion.
They found that, overall, White women and Black women did not differ statistically on measures of self-esteem. Approximately the same proportion of Black women and White women reported having had an abortion (14.6% and 14.9% respectively), but Black women had more abortions than White women and Black women who had abortions were more likely than White women to be mothers (86% vs 57%). Nonetheless, having had an abortion (or more than one) had no relation with self-esteem in either group: "For both Black women and White women, prior self-esteem was the biggest predictor of subsequent self-esteem," the authors note. The same held true when they compared Black and White women who reported a religious affiliation and high or low church attendance with those who were not religious.
Since the type of religion to which women who had an abortion belonged also did not make a difference in their post-abortion well-being, the researchers focused specifically on Catholic versus non-Catholic women, given that the Catholic Church "has a consistent antiabortion position that is vigorously promoted."
Their findings in this analysis were more complex: nonCatholic women who had high church attendance and one abortion had the highest self-esteem; non-Catholic women who had low church attendance and repeat abortions had the lowest self-esteem. But at the same time, high-church-attendance non-Catholic women with one abortion had significantly higher self-esteem than did low-churchattendance Catholic women with no abortions. "Although highly religious Catholic women were slightly more likely to exhibit postabortion psychological distress than other women," the researchers say, "this fact is explained by lower pre-existing well-being."
Given these findings, the researchers ask: "Do highly distressed women who have had an abortion exist?" And, they answer: "Yes. But their distress is likely to be rooted in events and conditions that existed before they became pregnant. Legal abortion per se does not increase a woman's risk of negative wellbeing."
IS LOVE ENOUGH?
by Susan Sprecher, Ph.D.
American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too.
"Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up," according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. "Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other."
Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period.
By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged.
"These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love," said Dr. Sprecher, "but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing." She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends.
Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another.
American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too.
"Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up," according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. "Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other."
Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period.
By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged.
"These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love," said Dr. Sprecher, "but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing." She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends.
Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another.
FINDING SOMEONE RIGHT FOR YOU
Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.
You've heard it before, "Where have all the good men (women) gone?" or, "All the good ones are taken!" The way people talk, you would think that mates were an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings and ways in which you can increase your odds of finding a "compatible mate."
You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen.
Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
You've heard it before, "Where have all the good men (women) gone?" or, "All the good ones are taken!" The way people talk, you would think that mates were an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings and ways in which you can increase your odds of finding a "compatible mate."
You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen.
Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
Let's take a critical look at some common myths about romance.
Myth 1: Luck is the essence of romance.
Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven.
This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated.
If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us.
If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them.
Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven.
This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated.
If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us.
If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them.
What About Romance?
Romance and love at first sight are integral to our fantasies about mate selection. We love to hear stories about how people fall in love. We love the notion of two people gazing across a crowded room, eyes meeting, and love is in bloom. More often than not these people are in lust, not love. But this is not to say it cannot happen. However, it is unlikely.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connection that binds us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. An intentional strategy for mate selection can increase the odds of this happening.
Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house." First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, four bedrooms, large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc. We establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be spending a lot of time and money in this house. We want to insure, as best possible, that we will be happy in it. (Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and hope we get lucky.)
Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we are collecting information and fine tuning our choices.
Finally, one day, we step out of the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many hours, months, years, looking, searching, and refining before the "dream house." A similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connection that binds us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. An intentional strategy for mate selection can increase the odds of this happening.
Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house." First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, four bedrooms, large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc. We establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be spending a lot of time and money in this house. We want to insure, as best possible, that we will be happy in it. (Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and hope we get lucky.)
Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we are collecting information and fine tuning our choices.
Finally, one day, we step out of the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many hours, months, years, looking, searching, and refining before the "dream house." A similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE MORE EFFECTIVELY
by Sherry Obenaurer M.A.,M.Ed.
You're not listening to me! You never hear what I have to say! You never remember anything I tell you! All you ever do is yell! You never talk to me! Familiar? Most of us have said something of the sort on more than one occasion with little effect. A communication problem is often named the number-one reason for relationship endings. Yet the majority of people assume they know how to communicate effectively. Even though they have poor listening skills and often use manipulation, yelling, silence, threats, or blaming in order to try and be heard. However, all of us can learn effective communication regardless of age, if willing.
Most of us learn how to communicate based on modeling how our parents communicated with each other and with us. Unfortunately, many parents still believe that children should be "seen and not heard" or do not respect the feelings, opinions, and thoughts of children. Instead, parents are assumed to always "know better." Many parents tell their children to "shut up," ignore their children, or punish them for expressing themselves, instead of taking the time to sit and listen to what they have to say.
Further, if a child is raised in an abusive environment, verbal and sometimes physical violence is used as a means of "communicating" one's feelings. Calm respectful discussions are rarely witnessed and conflicts are seldom resolved. Such children often become adults who are either uncommunicative for fear of negative repercussions or are verbally abusive towards those close to them.
The impact this early treatment teaches us that what we have to say is unimportant or of lesser importance than what someone else has to say. It also teaches us that we are not allowed to voice (or even have) our feelings. It teaches us to disrespect others and to use power as a way of controlling a conversation. It teaches us that conversations are one-sided and that disagreements do not involve compromise or discussion. In total, much of our early experiences have taught us how to communicate ineffectively.
Regardless of our upbringing, all of us can learn healthier ways of communicating. However, this process takes time, patience, and perseverance. Remember, many of us have had at least 20 years of communicating in a certain way and learning new skills takes time. These skills can be used to communicate with anyone of any age regardless of the relationship you may have with the other person.
Statistics suggest that between 70-90% of what we communicate is nonverbal. It's not what you say, but how you say it that relates your true message. To get your message across nonverbally, it's important to maintain eye contact when listening and to vary the amount of eye contact when speaking. You should face the person being spoken with, nod every now and then to show understanding, and avoid fidgeting or walking away.
Facial expressions reflect how you're affected by the other person's message, however, avoid rolling your eyes, sneering, or shaking your head as these behaviors tend to shut the other person down. You should also maintain an open posture and avoid crossing your arms and legs, as this communicates a lack of openness and rigidity. Above all else, never interrupt the person speaking. Extend the person some respect by allowing him or her the time to deliver the full message. Interrupting suggests that you've been spending more time thinking of responses than listening.
Verbal communication accounts for about 25% of the message being sent. The most important aspect of verbal messaging is to ensure that what you express matches how you are expressing it. Telling someone you don't feel angry with clenched teeth and piercing eyes is inconsistent as is telling someone how much you love and appreciate him or her while yawning and staring at the television. Typically, how you say something relates your true feelings.
While speaking, talk loud enough to be heard while avoiding yelling, as this turns people off. Vary your pitch so as not to sound monotone, as this tends to lull others to sleep and shows a lack of emotional expression. When speaking with seniors, deepen your tone as we lose the ability to hear higher frequencies with age. If the message you wish to send is of great importance to you, make sure that distractions and interruptions are minimized (e.g., television, radio, phone, visitors, children, pets, et cetera). Make sure the person has your undivided attention.
In today's world, there never seems to be enough time to do everything that needs to be done. This is not a good excuse for poor communication habits. Time must be set aside each day to allow each person the opportunity to express him- or herself. Some families set aside time on the weekend for a family meeting to give each member of the family a chance to voice his or her concerns. Of course, communication isn't just about resolving problems; it's anything that you say good or bad.
When voicing your feelings, use "I feel" and not "you make me feel" statements as this sets up defensiveness in others. Take responsibility for your own feelings. If someone has done something that has hurt you, address the behaviors and not the person. For example, if you were hurt because your partner failed to do the dishes as promised, say "I feel hurt that you didn't wash the dishes" instead of "You are so insensitive and a jerk for not doing the dishes." Focus on the person's behavior; don't attack his or her character.
When addressing how you feel and the behavior that caused it, finish up by stating the effect the behavior had on you and what you would like to see change as a result of your discussion. It's unfair to tell someone what was done wrong without indicating what action you would like to see in the future. For example, "I felt hurt when you didn't wash the dishes because I trusted your word. It's important to me that you do what you say you will do. Could you make sure they're done next time or perhaps you have another idea?" By expressing your feelings, outlining the behavior you would like changed, and suggesting some alternate behavior keeps the communication lines open. Attacking someone's actions or being often falls on deaf ears.
Of course, there are times when healthy communication is ill- received. Most people, over time, will alter their interaction style to suit yours or chance the risk of losing the relationship. However, there are some people who refuse to accept responsibility for their hurtful or harmful behavior, refuse to listen, and choose to use insults, ignoring, or other destructive ways to communicate. In these cases, you must decide what is best for you. You may decide to end the relationship, avoid future interactions, or minimize contact. Or, you may need to learn to depersonalize what these people say and realize that how they act says more about them than it does about you.
Communication has both verbal and nonverbal components and is a very complex process. Communication is the basis for all relationships, yet many of us lack the skills necessary to communicate effectively. Like learning to ride a bike, learning how to listen and express yourself can be learned. Perhaps of greatest importance is learning how to listen. This is perhaps why we have two ears and only one mouth. Communication isn't just about you, it involves other people too. Being able to rephrase and summarize what someone else has said or remaining silent leads to great understanding.
Perhaps, we should be asking ourselves what we ask of others. I'm not listening to you. I never hear what you have to say. I never remember anything you tell me. All I ever do is yell. I never talk to you. We must change ourselves before we can expect others to. So, start communicating!
You're not listening to me! You never hear what I have to say! You never remember anything I tell you! All you ever do is yell! You never talk to me! Familiar? Most of us have said something of the sort on more than one occasion with little effect. A communication problem is often named the number-one reason for relationship endings. Yet the majority of people assume they know how to communicate effectively. Even though they have poor listening skills and often use manipulation, yelling, silence, threats, or blaming in order to try and be heard. However, all of us can learn effective communication regardless of age, if willing.
Most of us learn how to communicate based on modeling how our parents communicated with each other and with us. Unfortunately, many parents still believe that children should be "seen and not heard" or do not respect the feelings, opinions, and thoughts of children. Instead, parents are assumed to always "know better." Many parents tell their children to "shut up," ignore their children, or punish them for expressing themselves, instead of taking the time to sit and listen to what they have to say.
Further, if a child is raised in an abusive environment, verbal and sometimes physical violence is used as a means of "communicating" one's feelings. Calm respectful discussions are rarely witnessed and conflicts are seldom resolved. Such children often become adults who are either uncommunicative for fear of negative repercussions or are verbally abusive towards those close to them.
The impact this early treatment teaches us that what we have to say is unimportant or of lesser importance than what someone else has to say. It also teaches us that we are not allowed to voice (or even have) our feelings. It teaches us to disrespect others and to use power as a way of controlling a conversation. It teaches us that conversations are one-sided and that disagreements do not involve compromise or discussion. In total, much of our early experiences have taught us how to communicate ineffectively.
Regardless of our upbringing, all of us can learn healthier ways of communicating. However, this process takes time, patience, and perseverance. Remember, many of us have had at least 20 years of communicating in a certain way and learning new skills takes time. These skills can be used to communicate with anyone of any age regardless of the relationship you may have with the other person.
Statistics suggest that between 70-90% of what we communicate is nonverbal. It's not what you say, but how you say it that relates your true message. To get your message across nonverbally, it's important to maintain eye contact when listening and to vary the amount of eye contact when speaking. You should face the person being spoken with, nod every now and then to show understanding, and avoid fidgeting or walking away.
Facial expressions reflect how you're affected by the other person's message, however, avoid rolling your eyes, sneering, or shaking your head as these behaviors tend to shut the other person down. You should also maintain an open posture and avoid crossing your arms and legs, as this communicates a lack of openness and rigidity. Above all else, never interrupt the person speaking. Extend the person some respect by allowing him or her the time to deliver the full message. Interrupting suggests that you've been spending more time thinking of responses than listening.
Verbal communication accounts for about 25% of the message being sent. The most important aspect of verbal messaging is to ensure that what you express matches how you are expressing it. Telling someone you don't feel angry with clenched teeth and piercing eyes is inconsistent as is telling someone how much you love and appreciate him or her while yawning and staring at the television. Typically, how you say something relates your true feelings.
While speaking, talk loud enough to be heard while avoiding yelling, as this turns people off. Vary your pitch so as not to sound monotone, as this tends to lull others to sleep and shows a lack of emotional expression. When speaking with seniors, deepen your tone as we lose the ability to hear higher frequencies with age. If the message you wish to send is of great importance to you, make sure that distractions and interruptions are minimized (e.g., television, radio, phone, visitors, children, pets, et cetera). Make sure the person has your undivided attention.
In today's world, there never seems to be enough time to do everything that needs to be done. This is not a good excuse for poor communication habits. Time must be set aside each day to allow each person the opportunity to express him- or herself. Some families set aside time on the weekend for a family meeting to give each member of the family a chance to voice his or her concerns. Of course, communication isn't just about resolving problems; it's anything that you say good or bad.
When voicing your feelings, use "I feel" and not "you make me feel" statements as this sets up defensiveness in others. Take responsibility for your own feelings. If someone has done something that has hurt you, address the behaviors and not the person. For example, if you were hurt because your partner failed to do the dishes as promised, say "I feel hurt that you didn't wash the dishes" instead of "You are so insensitive and a jerk for not doing the dishes." Focus on the person's behavior; don't attack his or her character.
When addressing how you feel and the behavior that caused it, finish up by stating the effect the behavior had on you and what you would like to see change as a result of your discussion. It's unfair to tell someone what was done wrong without indicating what action you would like to see in the future. For example, "I felt hurt when you didn't wash the dishes because I trusted your word. It's important to me that you do what you say you will do. Could you make sure they're done next time or perhaps you have another idea?" By expressing your feelings, outlining the behavior you would like changed, and suggesting some alternate behavior keeps the communication lines open. Attacking someone's actions or being often falls on deaf ears.
Of course, there are times when healthy communication is ill- received. Most people, over time, will alter their interaction style to suit yours or chance the risk of losing the relationship. However, there are some people who refuse to accept responsibility for their hurtful or harmful behavior, refuse to listen, and choose to use insults, ignoring, or other destructive ways to communicate. In these cases, you must decide what is best for you. You may decide to end the relationship, avoid future interactions, or minimize contact. Or, you may need to learn to depersonalize what these people say and realize that how they act says more about them than it does about you.
Communication has both verbal and nonverbal components and is a very complex process. Communication is the basis for all relationships, yet many of us lack the skills necessary to communicate effectively. Like learning to ride a bike, learning how to listen and express yourself can be learned. Perhaps of greatest importance is learning how to listen. This is perhaps why we have two ears and only one mouth. Communication isn't just about you, it involves other people too. Being able to rephrase and summarize what someone else has said or remaining silent leads to great understanding.
Perhaps, we should be asking ourselves what we ask of others. I'm not listening to you. I never hear what you have to say. I never remember anything you tell me. All I ever do is yell. I never talk to you. We must change ourselves before we can expect others to. So, start communicating!
HATE CRIMES
by Donald P. Green
While conventional wisdom has been that hate crimes in the United States rise with a declining economy, an analysis of hate crime in New York City from 1987 to 1995 has found little evidence linking racial, religious, ethnic, or homophobic incidents to deteriorating economic conditions. Political scientists Donald P. Green, Ph.D., and Andrew Rich, of Yale University, and psychologist Jack Glaser, also of Yale University, conducted the research, which is published in the July issue of the American Psychological Association's (APA) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
In determining whether economic downturns precipitate a greater incidence of hate crimes, the authors assembled monthly hate crime statistics compiled by the New York Police Department for the boroughs of Queens, Manhattan, Brooklyn, and the Bronx and compared them with monthly unemployment rates from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. They defined hate crimes as "unlawful acts of violence, vandalism, harassment, and intimidation directed against victims on account of their putative race, religion, ethnicity, or sexual orientation." Links between unemployment rates and hate crime were examined separately for Black, Asian, Latino, gay/lesbian, Jewish, and White victim groups. In no case was there a statistical link between economic fluctuations and rates of hate crime, nor were such links found when the authors analyzed historical statistics relating cotton prices to the lynching of Blacks in the South prior to World War II.
The researchers offer two reasons that may explain why economic downturns do not lead to increases in hate crimes. The authors note that laboratory tests indicate that the effects of frustration and aggression dissipate dramatically over time. Absent an immediate target, they speculate that aggression bred by frustration may weaken before an attack occurs. The authors also point out that lynching and contemporary hate crimes tend to be group activities that require more coordination and persistence than individual acts of violence such as domestic violence. The decay of aggressive impulses may explain why economic declines coincide with increases in child abuse but not with hate crime.
Another reason why economic downturns over the past decade have not led to increased hate crimes is historical in nature. The researchers point out that political elite and organizations (such as the Ku Klux Klan) play a mediating role by attributing blame and eliciting public resentment toward minority groups in times of financial decline. The authors conclude that the relationship between economic discontent and inter-group aggression may hinge on the ways in which political leaders and organizations frame and mobilize economic grievances and societal discontent.
While conventional wisdom has been that hate crimes in the United States rise with a declining economy, an analysis of hate crime in New York City from 1987 to 1995 has found little evidence linking racial, religious, ethnic, or homophobic incidents to deteriorating economic conditions. Political scientists Donald P. Green, Ph.D., and Andrew Rich, of Yale University, and psychologist Jack Glaser, also of Yale University, conducted the research, which is published in the July issue of the American Psychological Association's (APA) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
In determining whether economic downturns precipitate a greater incidence of hate crimes, the authors assembled monthly hate crime statistics compiled by the New York Police Department for the boroughs of Queens, Manhattan, Brooklyn, and the Bronx and compared them with monthly unemployment rates from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. They defined hate crimes as "unlawful acts of violence, vandalism, harassment, and intimidation directed against victims on account of their putative race, religion, ethnicity, or sexual orientation." Links between unemployment rates and hate crime were examined separately for Black, Asian, Latino, gay/lesbian, Jewish, and White victim groups. In no case was there a statistical link between economic fluctuations and rates of hate crime, nor were such links found when the authors analyzed historical statistics relating cotton prices to the lynching of Blacks in the South prior to World War II.
The researchers offer two reasons that may explain why economic downturns do not lead to increases in hate crimes. The authors note that laboratory tests indicate that the effects of frustration and aggression dissipate dramatically over time. Absent an immediate target, they speculate that aggression bred by frustration may weaken before an attack occurs. The authors also point out that lynching and contemporary hate crimes tend to be group activities that require more coordination and persistence than individual acts of violence such as domestic violence. The decay of aggressive impulses may explain why economic declines coincide with increases in child abuse but not with hate crime.
Another reason why economic downturns over the past decade have not led to increased hate crimes is historical in nature. The researchers point out that political elite and organizations (such as the Ku Klux Klan) play a mediating role by attributing blame and eliciting public resentment toward minority groups in times of financial decline. The authors conclude that the relationship between economic discontent and inter-group aggression may hinge on the ways in which political leaders and organizations frame and mobilize economic grievances and societal discontent.
PRICELESS GIFTS
by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.
The season is here once again. No matter what holiday, if any, you celebrate, no matter what you believe, you're being bombarded with exhortations to celebrate, to love, to buy and to give. The airwaves are filled with stories about miracles and family gatherings that may be more fantasy than reality. Here are some suggestions for nonmaterial gifts that capture the spirit of the season.
Give yourself the gift of realistic expectations. So many of us understand others are human and imperfect, but forget the same is true for ourselves. Forgive yourself for being human, and for having limited time, energy, and resources. Remember that gifts do not have to be homemade or extravagant to be loving and important.
Give the gift of time.
Offer to babysit for someone with small children. Go to lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a long time. Plan a special evening with your lover. Take time for yourself.
Give the gift of life.
If you haven't done it already, fill out an organ donor card and carry it in your wallet.
Give the gift of unusual sights and sounds.
The world is filled with them, and many are free or inexpensive. Take someone special on a tour. There are lights and decorations everywhere, free concerts at shopping malls, free days at the zoo.
Give the gift of laughter.
There's plenty of pain and suffering in the world, and laughter helps us cope. Go frolic on a playground, listen to a child tell silly jokes, take someone to a funny movie. Laughter isn't just for kids.
Give the gift of an open mind.
Listen carefully to someone who disagrees with you. Watch a television show you've never seen. Listen to the words of a song you've always ignored.
Give the gift of love.
Tell the important people in your life how much they mean to you. I've never heard anyone express regret for having said "I love you" too often.
With best wishes for the holiday season,
The season is here once again. No matter what holiday, if any, you celebrate, no matter what you believe, you're being bombarded with exhortations to celebrate, to love, to buy and to give. The airwaves are filled with stories about miracles and family gatherings that may be more fantasy than reality. Here are some suggestions for nonmaterial gifts that capture the spirit of the season.
Give yourself the gift of realistic expectations. So many of us understand others are human and imperfect, but forget the same is true for ourselves. Forgive yourself for being human, and for having limited time, energy, and resources. Remember that gifts do not have to be homemade or extravagant to be loving and important.
Give the gift of time.
Offer to babysit for someone with small children. Go to lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a long time. Plan a special evening with your lover. Take time for yourself.
Give the gift of life.
If you haven't done it already, fill out an organ donor card and carry it in your wallet.
Give the gift of unusual sights and sounds.
The world is filled with them, and many are free or inexpensive. Take someone special on a tour. There are lights and decorations everywhere, free concerts at shopping malls, free days at the zoo.
Give the gift of laughter.
There's plenty of pain and suffering in the world, and laughter helps us cope. Go frolic on a playground, listen to a child tell silly jokes, take someone to a funny movie. Laughter isn't just for kids.
Give the gift of an open mind.
Listen carefully to someone who disagrees with you. Watch a television show you've never seen. Listen to the words of a song you've always ignored.
Give the gift of love.
Tell the important people in your life how much they mean to you. I've never heard anyone express regret for having said "I love you" too often.
With best wishes for the holiday season,
Heavy Metal Music and Teen Suicide
In reference to the article concerning heavy metal and teen suicide: I, being a heavy metal fan, must admit that death is a recurring theme in some bands' lyrics. However, I also wanted to point out that nowadays, "thinking about suicide" has become popular because of the media. (Example: Kurt Cobain's suicide has been glorified and many teenagers followed such action) Why? We're suffering from what I would call "mindlesness"...I sadly see how many of my schoolmates, for example, will be quick to accept whatever MTV and the radio throw at them (ANYTHING).
These two mediums have played with political correctness and have turned it into a gimmick, therefore contributing to a general lack of objective and critical thought. Heavy metal is not the only part to blame...the media is too, and so are may irresponsible parents. I must sadly affirm that the United States is suffering from a breakdown in the institution of what is known as "the family", in which many parents would rather let the government take care of their children and dedicate themselves to other things. As I said before, heavy metal is not the only one to blame, but it is an easy scapegoat for those who insist on blaming youth's problems on someone.
These two mediums have played with political correctness and have turned it into a gimmick, therefore contributing to a general lack of objective and critical thought. Heavy metal is not the only part to blame...the media is too, and so are may irresponsible parents. I must sadly affirm that the United States is suffering from a breakdown in the institution of what is known as "the family", in which many parents would rather let the government take care of their children and dedicate themselves to other things. As I said before, heavy metal is not the only one to blame, but it is an easy scapegoat for those who insist on blaming youth's problems on someone.
Cybersex - The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
I have two experiences with net relationships that I'd like to share. The first was most of our worst nightmare... began online, moved to the phone..when I began feeling uncomfortable in the relationship ( a lot of what he'd told me hadn't added up) and tried to break it off.. things started getting ugly.
I didn't hear from him in a few weeks, and just as I began to feel that things were getting back to normal.. he called to tell me he had cancer. Being an investor (or so he said) he told me he had set up a portfolio in my name that I would get when/if he passed away. I told him I thought he was joking, that he couldn't possibly have done something like that without my social security number.
A chill went up my spine when he recited my social security number to me. I hung up the phone and debated calling the police. About a week later, he called me at work. (I'm an air-personality at a radio station) he called me while I was on the air, knowing full well that way he wouldn't have to get a receptionist who he knew would never put him thru to me. He told me he "knew" I was in love with him.. that he could hear it in my voice.
I asked him how that was possible, since he was hundreds of miles away. He turned up his radio.. and it was my station!! He was somewhere in MY TOWN! I refused his request to see him, hung up and called the police. He knows that the next time he contacts me could mean his arrest. This was about a year ago, and I still have nightmares.. I still feel that he is lurking. I've since changed jobs and location, but still am affraid.
You would think that would scare me off my computer forever.. and it certainly HAS scared me away from chat rooms. However.. around the same time that this was happening, I sent an email to a collegue of mine.. or at least, I thought I was sending him mail. It would up being a wrong number (similar screen name.. on aol).
The person who recieved my mail eventually became a dear friend.. he now has a strong presence in my life.. as far away as he is..we have been able to maintain a deep respectful friendship.. and we both know its limits. So, there you have it.. the bad, the ugly and the good, of online relationships.
I didn't hear from him in a few weeks, and just as I began to feel that things were getting back to normal.. he called to tell me he had cancer. Being an investor (or so he said) he told me he had set up a portfolio in my name that I would get when/if he passed away. I told him I thought he was joking, that he couldn't possibly have done something like that without my social security number.
A chill went up my spine when he recited my social security number to me. I hung up the phone and debated calling the police. About a week later, he called me at work. (I'm an air-personality at a radio station) he called me while I was on the air, knowing full well that way he wouldn't have to get a receptionist who he knew would never put him thru to me. He told me he "knew" I was in love with him.. that he could hear it in my voice.
I asked him how that was possible, since he was hundreds of miles away. He turned up his radio.. and it was my station!! He was somewhere in MY TOWN! I refused his request to see him, hung up and called the police. He knows that the next time he contacts me could mean his arrest. This was about a year ago, and I still have nightmares.. I still feel that he is lurking. I've since changed jobs and location, but still am affraid.
You would think that would scare me off my computer forever.. and it certainly HAS scared me away from chat rooms. However.. around the same time that this was happening, I sent an email to a collegue of mine.. or at least, I thought I was sending him mail. It would up being a wrong number (similar screen name.. on aol).
The person who recieved my mail eventually became a dear friend.. he now has a strong presence in my life.. as far away as he is..we have been able to maintain a deep respectful friendship.. and we both know its limits. So, there you have it.. the bad, the ugly and the good, of online relationships.
FALLING IN AND OUT OF LOVE WITH ABUSIVE MEN
If your partner began your relationship as Prince Charming but now seems more like Jeckyll and Hyde then read on.
Maybe they just "clicked" when they first laid eyes on each other, ignoring everyone else at the party for the remainder of the evening. Maybe after their first date she went home on the highest of natural highs. Maybe they knew "everything" about each other in the first two weeks. Maybe the way he showed up everyday made her feel special, rather than waiting five days to see if he would call again. Maybe he told her he loved her after 3 weeks. Maybe she believed him. Maybe she so wanted to believe it was true that she told that gut feeling of "a bit premature isn't it?" to take a hike.
However it began, before long they were inseparable and she was the envy of all her friends, but somehow a few months later she had less friends than the una bomber. Sounding familiar at all? then ask yourself if any of the following scenarios ring a bell, because if they do, it's a warning bell that the honeymoon is over:
He shows up just as you're about to leave on a girls' night out and says if you go then he's breaking up with you.
You get dressed up to see him and he wonders aloud who are you dressing to impress after you see him.
You say hello to a man on the apartment block you live in and later he gives you the third degree over who this man is.
He decides he has a problem with the image you had when you met, suggesting a longer skirt, natural hair color.
He says you have to choose between remaining friends with male friends from when you were a kid and going out with him.
He beats your door down at 3 in the morning calling you a list of obscenities.
He is the sweetest and most apologetic guy you have ever known the next day. Every time. It was the old Jack Daniels he says. How can you resist that smile? He loves you.
He confides in you about past violence but still justifies it.
If you say you're leaving him, he says he'll kill himself.
He seems so convinced that it is you who is not treating him right that after a while you start to wonder if he's right.
You never know when something seemingly harmless you say may trigger his suspicion or anger.
You find yourself adjusting your life, censoring your recounting of experiences to try to offset the arguments. It doesn't work.
The way he shows up everyday is not exactly making you feel special anymore.
How many changes have you made for him versus how many has he made for you?
Ever thought to yourself, why don't those women whose partners abuse them just leave? People can stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of emotional manipulation, especially emotional blackmail. These are things most people can identify with as having experienced in some form or another. In the above case the behavior changes in him started gradually, subtly and only after she was convinced he was Mr. Right.
So she set a date, did not let him know her plans, and decided that if he hasn't changed by then he never will. She used the time preceding that date to prepare herself for the fact that love just isn't enough.
Maybe they just "clicked" when they first laid eyes on each other, ignoring everyone else at the party for the remainder of the evening. Maybe after their first date she went home on the highest of natural highs. Maybe they knew "everything" about each other in the first two weeks. Maybe the way he showed up everyday made her feel special, rather than waiting five days to see if he would call again. Maybe he told her he loved her after 3 weeks. Maybe she believed him. Maybe she so wanted to believe it was true that she told that gut feeling of "a bit premature isn't it?" to take a hike.
However it began, before long they were inseparable and she was the envy of all her friends, but somehow a few months later she had less friends than the una bomber. Sounding familiar at all? then ask yourself if any of the following scenarios ring a bell, because if they do, it's a warning bell that the honeymoon is over:
He shows up just as you're about to leave on a girls' night out and says if you go then he's breaking up with you.
You get dressed up to see him and he wonders aloud who are you dressing to impress after you see him.
You say hello to a man on the apartment block you live in and later he gives you the third degree over who this man is.
He decides he has a problem with the image you had when you met, suggesting a longer skirt, natural hair color.
He says you have to choose between remaining friends with male friends from when you were a kid and going out with him.
He beats your door down at 3 in the morning calling you a list of obscenities.
He is the sweetest and most apologetic guy you have ever known the next day. Every time. It was the old Jack Daniels he says. How can you resist that smile? He loves you.
He confides in you about past violence but still justifies it.
If you say you're leaving him, he says he'll kill himself.
He seems so convinced that it is you who is not treating him right that after a while you start to wonder if he's right.
You never know when something seemingly harmless you say may trigger his suspicion or anger.
You find yourself adjusting your life, censoring your recounting of experiences to try to offset the arguments. It doesn't work.
The way he shows up everyday is not exactly making you feel special anymore.
How many changes have you made for him versus how many has he made for you?
Ever thought to yourself, why don't those women whose partners abuse them just leave? People can stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of emotional manipulation, especially emotional blackmail. These are things most people can identify with as having experienced in some form or another. In the above case the behavior changes in him started gradually, subtly and only after she was convinced he was Mr. Right.
So she set a date, did not let him know her plans, and decided that if he hasn't changed by then he never will. She used the time preceding that date to prepare herself for the fact that love just isn't enough.
The Monster called Addiction
She lay in her bed and looked up at the ceiling. The ceiling tiles looked like they were about to crumble. The edges were stained a light shade of brown with only the center still showing the original white color. Susan knew that the ceiling tiles had been there for far too many years, just as she had.
It had been another night of tossing and turning. She remembered kicking her husband at least three times to stop him from snoring. He had grunted and gone back to sleep. Within minutes, he was snoring again.
Susan would turn away and quietly curse. She wanted to sleep so bad, but it only seemed to come in small spurts, teasing her to the point of insanity. She had tried sleeping pills but they didn't do any good. Her husband said that she thought too much. That she kept her mind far to active and full of unnecessary worries and anxieties.
This only made her mad. Of course, she had worries and anxieties. She blamed her husband for a lot of them. If only he would be more understanding of her problems and needs. She had just gotten over her tenth surgery and next week she would be going for her eleventh.
Susan looked at the bottles of pills on her nightstand. She had three different kinds of pain pills, a pill for depression, a pill for stomach cramps and a pill to help her sleep. She had gotten to the point that she took three pills from each bottle. Her husband complained that she looked stoned all the time.
"Of course I look stoned," she'd yell to her husband. "You'd be stoned as well if you had to take pain medication on a daily basis." What she did not tell her husband, was that she was taking three times the recommended dosage and that she was taking all three types of pain pills at once instead of just one.
It was not that she wanted to hurt herself. She only wanted to numb herself from the emotional pain and the physical pain, which just seemed to be getting worse every day.
She sat up in her bed, continuing to look at the bottles of pills. She quickly turned around to make sure her husband was still sleeping, and then she quietly opened each bottle taking three pills from each one. Once she had all her pills, she took the glass of water that also lay on the nightstand and swallowed all the pills at once. She remembered a time when it had been difficult to swallow even one pill.
She started to cry as a deep desperation suddenly came over her and she quickly took one more pill from each bottle and swallowed them before she could change her mind. Anger welled up inside of her as she looked blankly at the white walls of her bedroom. A few minutes later the anger left and was replaced by an emptiness, as though every nerve had been turned off.
Susan got out of bed and limped to the living room. She pulled up the shades and looked out at the dreary street below. She really hated this town. She hated everything about this place.
Quickly turning away, Susan headed to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess. She hadn't combed it in four days. Her eyes looked glassy and her pupils were dilated from the effects of the medication. She felt a wave of nausea come over her. The nausea had started two days ago and it seemed to be getting progressively worse. She was also having trouble urinating.
A tear fell down her check as she exited the bathroom and went to the refrigerator to grab a piece of cake. She heard her husband stirring in the bedroom. She knew he would ignore her as usual. She did not care. She did not care much about anything, anymore. As long as she had her supply of pills, she was all right. It was getting more difficult to get prescriptions filled. The doctors were beginning to question her motives.
Another wave of nausea suddenly came over her and she had the sudden need to vomit. She made it to the bathroom just in time. She had made sure to close the bathroom door so her husband would not see her like this. He complained enough about her taking medication. She didn't want another lecture on the dangers. She also did not want him finding out just how many pills she was actually taking.
Once she had wiped her mouth, she tried to go to the bathroom because she felt the need to go, but was unable too. Her bladder was beginning to hurt. Something wasn't right. Susan suddenly became a little frightened. She pushed the fear away when her husband knocked on the door.
"Can I come in?" He said in a neutral voice. "I'll be right out." Susan said. She put her pants back on and flushed the toilet. She opened the bathroom door and looked at her husband. He walked right by her without saying a word.
Again, anger filled her. Why couldn't he give her the courtesy of saying good morning? She hated it when he got in these quite moods. She always felt so alone. She couldn't stand the loneliness. Why did she have to be lonely when she had someone who supposedly loved her living in the same house?
Susan slowly walked back to the bedroom as she tried to push the feeling of anger and loneliness away. After getting dressed, she went back to the kitchen and sat down next to her husband.
"Are you still going to visit your mother in the hospital today?" She asked. She had planned to sneak to the emergency room and get herself checked.
"Unless you have something else planned, yes, I want to spend some time with my mother."
"Good, I have a doctor's appointment in the hospital," She lied, "so I'm coming along."
"Okay." Her husband said as he got up from the table. Susan watched him walk into the bedroom as another tear fell down her cheek. He had still not said good morning to her. She quickly wiped the tear away. She didn't want her husband to see her crying.
An hour later they arrived at the hospital. Susan followed her husband to his mother's room. After saying hello, she left to go to the emergency room. Her bladder felt like it was ready to burst but she was still unable go to the bathroom. Susan also had a rapid pulse and she suddenly felt very dizzy. She had an urge to throw-up again but there was nothing left to throw up.
Susan stopped in a bathroom, on the way, to try to throw up but she only dry heaved. When she got to the emergency room, Susan walked straight up to the nurse sitting behind the counter.
"May I help you?" The nurse asked as she looked up from her work.
"I'm not feeling very good. I am unable to urinate and I feel so sick to my stomach." She looked at the nurse, trying hard to concentrate. She felt like collapsing.
"Do you know what brought this on?" The nurse asked kindly.
For a moment, Susan wasn't sure what to say. She felt embarrassed that she had been taking so many pills for so long but at the same time, something inside of her said to tell the nurse the truth. Susan looked at the nurse crying now.
"I don't know how much longer I can stand." Susan said with a shaky voice. It was hard to speak. She was concentrating so hard just to stay standing. She told the nurse what she had been doing.
Within minutes, she found herself lying on a stretcher with EKG wires on her chest and an IV in her arm. The phlebotomist came to draw her blood. As the phlebotomist was finishing, the nurse arrived with a Foley to help her urinate. It was extremely painful getting the Foley put in but Susan felt the instant relief as the urine flowed into the bag.
Just then, her husband appeared looking very worried, also a little angry. Susan burst into tears when she saw him. All her pain, tension, and hurt that had been building up for months finally exploded out of her. Her husband took her in his arms and let her cry. She apologized for all her stupidity.
Her husband looked at her and apologized for not being there and not seeing the signs. He had been so busy being angry that he didn't realize that his anger was killing his wife.
The doctor came in looking very worried. Susan's liver function panel was extremely elevated.
"What does that mean?" Susan asked with tear filled eyes. She had already calmed down a little.
"It means that your liver has been poisoned to the point that it cannot handle that poison anymore. I just hope you do not have permanent liver damage. That is a horrible way to die.
Susan could not believe that taking all those pills could do that much damage. It wasn't fair. There were people who did hard core drugs everyday and they weren't in the hospital with liver damage. She also had not been taking the pills for more than four or five months. Her husband saw the confusion in her face and asked what was wrong.
"It's not fair." Susan said. "Why is my liver damaged? I never did any hard core drugs." Her husband looked at her with serious eyes. "Maybe it is God's way of telling you to stop."
Susan looked at her husband in disbelief. She thought about what her husband had said for a moment. Then she became angry. "Why didn't he listen to me when I asked him to help me with my depression, my pain, and my loneliness?" She looked at her husband defiantly now.
"Maybe you were too numb from all that medication to hear him. Maybe this is his way of opening your eyes and ears so you can hear him and finally listen to his answer."
Susan burst into tears when she realized her husband was right. She had called but hadn't listened for an answer. It suddenly became very clear that the medication had made her depression seem beyond help. It was the medication that had made her feel so lonely because it numbed her to the point that she couldn't hear anyone. She only heard her own mind. A mind warped by drugs. She had been making her own personal hell. Why hadn't she seen that all along? She had to hit the bottom before she finally saw the light that led to a new hope and a better life.
Susan looked at her husband and smiled. "I guess this was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I'm glad that God warned me before it was to late."
At that, they both hugged. The monster called addiction had been destroyed.
Susan was lucky because her liver returned to normal the next day, which was a miracle as far as the doctors were concerned. She got a second chance on life. So many other people never receive that second chance or miss the light, even when it is shined straight into their eyes.
The point I am trying to make is that prescription drugs and over the counter drugs are just as deadly as the hard core street drugs when used the wrong way. It was the acetaminophen in the pain medication, when taken in large dosages that caused Susan's liver, to go haywire. Taken in recommended dosages, acetaminophen works fine and causes no problems, but when overdosed, it becomes a deadly toxin. This is true for most over the counter drugs and prescription drugs.
If you feel the need to take more medication than your supposed to, seek help before it's to late, because it won't take long for you to become so numb that you don't care anymore. It's a vicious cycle. Once the monster called addiction grabs a hold of you, it doesn't easily want to let go.
It had been another night of tossing and turning. She remembered kicking her husband at least three times to stop him from snoring. He had grunted and gone back to sleep. Within minutes, he was snoring again.
Susan would turn away and quietly curse. She wanted to sleep so bad, but it only seemed to come in small spurts, teasing her to the point of insanity. She had tried sleeping pills but they didn't do any good. Her husband said that she thought too much. That she kept her mind far to active and full of unnecessary worries and anxieties.
This only made her mad. Of course, she had worries and anxieties. She blamed her husband for a lot of them. If only he would be more understanding of her problems and needs. She had just gotten over her tenth surgery and next week she would be going for her eleventh.
Susan looked at the bottles of pills on her nightstand. She had three different kinds of pain pills, a pill for depression, a pill for stomach cramps and a pill to help her sleep. She had gotten to the point that she took three pills from each bottle. Her husband complained that she looked stoned all the time.
"Of course I look stoned," she'd yell to her husband. "You'd be stoned as well if you had to take pain medication on a daily basis." What she did not tell her husband, was that she was taking three times the recommended dosage and that she was taking all three types of pain pills at once instead of just one.
It was not that she wanted to hurt herself. She only wanted to numb herself from the emotional pain and the physical pain, which just seemed to be getting worse every day.
She sat up in her bed, continuing to look at the bottles of pills. She quickly turned around to make sure her husband was still sleeping, and then she quietly opened each bottle taking three pills from each one. Once she had all her pills, she took the glass of water that also lay on the nightstand and swallowed all the pills at once. She remembered a time when it had been difficult to swallow even one pill.
She started to cry as a deep desperation suddenly came over her and she quickly took one more pill from each bottle and swallowed them before she could change her mind. Anger welled up inside of her as she looked blankly at the white walls of her bedroom. A few minutes later the anger left and was replaced by an emptiness, as though every nerve had been turned off.
Susan got out of bed and limped to the living room. She pulled up the shades and looked out at the dreary street below. She really hated this town. She hated everything about this place.
Quickly turning away, Susan headed to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess. She hadn't combed it in four days. Her eyes looked glassy and her pupils were dilated from the effects of the medication. She felt a wave of nausea come over her. The nausea had started two days ago and it seemed to be getting progressively worse. She was also having trouble urinating.
A tear fell down her check as she exited the bathroom and went to the refrigerator to grab a piece of cake. She heard her husband stirring in the bedroom. She knew he would ignore her as usual. She did not care. She did not care much about anything, anymore. As long as she had her supply of pills, she was all right. It was getting more difficult to get prescriptions filled. The doctors were beginning to question her motives.
Another wave of nausea suddenly came over her and she had the sudden need to vomit. She made it to the bathroom just in time. She had made sure to close the bathroom door so her husband would not see her like this. He complained enough about her taking medication. She didn't want another lecture on the dangers. She also did not want him finding out just how many pills she was actually taking.
Once she had wiped her mouth, she tried to go to the bathroom because she felt the need to go, but was unable too. Her bladder was beginning to hurt. Something wasn't right. Susan suddenly became a little frightened. She pushed the fear away when her husband knocked on the door.
"Can I come in?" He said in a neutral voice. "I'll be right out." Susan said. She put her pants back on and flushed the toilet. She opened the bathroom door and looked at her husband. He walked right by her without saying a word.
Again, anger filled her. Why couldn't he give her the courtesy of saying good morning? She hated it when he got in these quite moods. She always felt so alone. She couldn't stand the loneliness. Why did she have to be lonely when she had someone who supposedly loved her living in the same house?
Susan slowly walked back to the bedroom as she tried to push the feeling of anger and loneliness away. After getting dressed, she went back to the kitchen and sat down next to her husband.
"Are you still going to visit your mother in the hospital today?" She asked. She had planned to sneak to the emergency room and get herself checked.
"Unless you have something else planned, yes, I want to spend some time with my mother."
"Good, I have a doctor's appointment in the hospital," She lied, "so I'm coming along."
"Okay." Her husband said as he got up from the table. Susan watched him walk into the bedroom as another tear fell down her cheek. He had still not said good morning to her. She quickly wiped the tear away. She didn't want her husband to see her crying.
An hour later they arrived at the hospital. Susan followed her husband to his mother's room. After saying hello, she left to go to the emergency room. Her bladder felt like it was ready to burst but she was still unable go to the bathroom. Susan also had a rapid pulse and she suddenly felt very dizzy. She had an urge to throw-up again but there was nothing left to throw up.
Susan stopped in a bathroom, on the way, to try to throw up but she only dry heaved. When she got to the emergency room, Susan walked straight up to the nurse sitting behind the counter.
"May I help you?" The nurse asked as she looked up from her work.
"I'm not feeling very good. I am unable to urinate and I feel so sick to my stomach." She looked at the nurse, trying hard to concentrate. She felt like collapsing.
"Do you know what brought this on?" The nurse asked kindly.
For a moment, Susan wasn't sure what to say. She felt embarrassed that she had been taking so many pills for so long but at the same time, something inside of her said to tell the nurse the truth. Susan looked at the nurse crying now.
"I don't know how much longer I can stand." Susan said with a shaky voice. It was hard to speak. She was concentrating so hard just to stay standing. She told the nurse what she had been doing.
Within minutes, she found herself lying on a stretcher with EKG wires on her chest and an IV in her arm. The phlebotomist came to draw her blood. As the phlebotomist was finishing, the nurse arrived with a Foley to help her urinate. It was extremely painful getting the Foley put in but Susan felt the instant relief as the urine flowed into the bag.
Just then, her husband appeared looking very worried, also a little angry. Susan burst into tears when she saw him. All her pain, tension, and hurt that had been building up for months finally exploded out of her. Her husband took her in his arms and let her cry. She apologized for all her stupidity.
Her husband looked at her and apologized for not being there and not seeing the signs. He had been so busy being angry that he didn't realize that his anger was killing his wife.
The doctor came in looking very worried. Susan's liver function panel was extremely elevated.
"What does that mean?" Susan asked with tear filled eyes. She had already calmed down a little.
"It means that your liver has been poisoned to the point that it cannot handle that poison anymore. I just hope you do not have permanent liver damage. That is a horrible way to die.
Susan could not believe that taking all those pills could do that much damage. It wasn't fair. There were people who did hard core drugs everyday and they weren't in the hospital with liver damage. She also had not been taking the pills for more than four or five months. Her husband saw the confusion in her face and asked what was wrong.
"It's not fair." Susan said. "Why is my liver damaged? I never did any hard core drugs." Her husband looked at her with serious eyes. "Maybe it is God's way of telling you to stop."
Susan looked at her husband in disbelief. She thought about what her husband had said for a moment. Then she became angry. "Why didn't he listen to me when I asked him to help me with my depression, my pain, and my loneliness?" She looked at her husband defiantly now.
"Maybe you were too numb from all that medication to hear him. Maybe this is his way of opening your eyes and ears so you can hear him and finally listen to his answer."
Susan burst into tears when she realized her husband was right. She had called but hadn't listened for an answer. It suddenly became very clear that the medication had made her depression seem beyond help. It was the medication that had made her feel so lonely because it numbed her to the point that she couldn't hear anyone. She only heard her own mind. A mind warped by drugs. She had been making her own personal hell. Why hadn't she seen that all along? She had to hit the bottom before she finally saw the light that led to a new hope and a better life.
Susan looked at her husband and smiled. "I guess this was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I'm glad that God warned me before it was to late."
At that, they both hugged. The monster called addiction had been destroyed.
Susan was lucky because her liver returned to normal the next day, which was a miracle as far as the doctors were concerned. She got a second chance on life. So many other people never receive that second chance or miss the light, even when it is shined straight into their eyes.
The point I am trying to make is that prescription drugs and over the counter drugs are just as deadly as the hard core street drugs when used the wrong way. It was the acetaminophen in the pain medication, when taken in large dosages that caused Susan's liver, to go haywire. Taken in recommended dosages, acetaminophen works fine and causes no problems, but when overdosed, it becomes a deadly toxin. This is true for most over the counter drugs and prescription drugs.
If you feel the need to take more medication than your supposed to, seek help before it's to late, because it won't take long for you to become so numb that you don't care anymore. It's a vicious cycle. Once the monster called addiction grabs a hold of you, it doesn't easily want to let go.
DEFINING SEXUAL ORIENTATION
by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.
Sexual orientation is a classic example of a way to categorize people that is both widely misunderstood and controversial. That's not surprising, given our society's problems with sex. Our culture is one that is both obsessed with sex and phobic about it (Gonsiorek,1988). That makes it very difficult to talk calmly about any sexual topic, and sexual orientation is no exception.
Much of the confusion about sexual orientation occurs because there is no single agreed upon definition of the term. There are at least three groups of people with an interest in defining sexual orientation: scientists and scholars, people who are defining themselves as not heterosexual, and policy makers and politicians.
Scientists and scholars need clear definitions of sexual orientation so they have a common language for talking about their theories and the results of their research. However, that does not mean all scientists and scholars agree on a single definition of sexual orientation, anymore than they agree on single definitions of other terms.
Sometimes that's because a concept is difficult to define. Sometimes definitions are influenced by cultural and political debates and biases. However, the requirement that scholars and scientists clearly define their terms helps us to understand and interpret their work. There is no one universally accepted definition of sexual orientation, nor of who is bisexual, lesbian, or gay. However, as long as those who study sexual orientation are clear about how they define it, and how they define categories of non-heterosexual orientations, we can at least know who is being studied. Unfortunately, when the popular media report on results of research about sexual orientation, those reports rarely include information about how the researchers defined their terms. One of the questions useful to ask about research results is whether the study was of sexual behavior or sexual orientation. The two are often confused.
I believe any useful definition of sexual orientation should not require that a person be sexually active in order to be defined as having a particular orientation. That is because you do not have to be sexually active to be clear about the gender of those you find attractive. There are heterosexuals who do not become sexually active until they are married, and there are lesbians and bisexuals and gay men who do not become sexually active until they are in long-term committed relationships. There are also people of all sexual orientations who are never sexually active, such as those who take vows of celibacy in religious orders. That is why it is not appropriate to define sexual orientation solely in terms of sexual behavior.
Here is one recent definition I find useful:
A homosexual is an adult whose fantasies, attachments and longings are predominantly for persons of the same gender, who may or may not express those longings in overt behavior, and whose orientation may or may not be accompanied by a homosexual identity (Reiter, 1989, p. 140).
If we extend this definition, then heterosexuals are those for whom fantasies, attachments, and longings are predominantly for persons of the opposite gender, and bisexuals are those with fantasies, attachments and longings for persons of both genders. Notice that this definition distinguishes between orientation and identity. Orientation refers to definitions applied to others for scientific and scholarly purposes. Personal identity refers to what we call ourselves, to the identity we each have as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual person.
Sexual orientation is a classic example of a way to categorize people that is both widely misunderstood and controversial. That's not surprising, given our society's problems with sex. Our culture is one that is both obsessed with sex and phobic about it (Gonsiorek,1988). That makes it very difficult to talk calmly about any sexual topic, and sexual orientation is no exception.
Much of the confusion about sexual orientation occurs because there is no single agreed upon definition of the term. There are at least three groups of people with an interest in defining sexual orientation: scientists and scholars, people who are defining themselves as not heterosexual, and policy makers and politicians.
Scientists and scholars need clear definitions of sexual orientation so they have a common language for talking about their theories and the results of their research. However, that does not mean all scientists and scholars agree on a single definition of sexual orientation, anymore than they agree on single definitions of other terms.
Sometimes that's because a concept is difficult to define. Sometimes definitions are influenced by cultural and political debates and biases. However, the requirement that scholars and scientists clearly define their terms helps us to understand and interpret their work. There is no one universally accepted definition of sexual orientation, nor of who is bisexual, lesbian, or gay. However, as long as those who study sexual orientation are clear about how they define it, and how they define categories of non-heterosexual orientations, we can at least know who is being studied. Unfortunately, when the popular media report on results of research about sexual orientation, those reports rarely include information about how the researchers defined their terms. One of the questions useful to ask about research results is whether the study was of sexual behavior or sexual orientation. The two are often confused.
I believe any useful definition of sexual orientation should not require that a person be sexually active in order to be defined as having a particular orientation. That is because you do not have to be sexually active to be clear about the gender of those you find attractive. There are heterosexuals who do not become sexually active until they are married, and there are lesbians and bisexuals and gay men who do not become sexually active until they are in long-term committed relationships. There are also people of all sexual orientations who are never sexually active, such as those who take vows of celibacy in religious orders. That is why it is not appropriate to define sexual orientation solely in terms of sexual behavior.
Here is one recent definition I find useful:
A homosexual is an adult whose fantasies, attachments and longings are predominantly for persons of the same gender, who may or may not express those longings in overt behavior, and whose orientation may or may not be accompanied by a homosexual identity (Reiter, 1989, p. 140).
If we extend this definition, then heterosexuals are those for whom fantasies, attachments, and longings are predominantly for persons of the opposite gender, and bisexuals are those with fantasies, attachments and longings for persons of both genders. Notice that this definition distinguishes between orientation and identity. Orientation refers to definitions applied to others for scientific and scholarly purposes. Personal identity refers to what we call ourselves, to the identity we each have as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual person.
THE MYTH of the HUNDREDTH MONKEY
by Tom Heuerman
The hundredth monkey is the name of a new myth. It's a story that has arisen, been repeated, and written about only in the last two decades. It is of very recent origin and yet, like Greek myths that tell of the Trojan war, it's not clear where fact ends and metaphor begins. The story was based on scientific observations of monkey colonies in Japan.
Off the shores of Japan, scientists had been studying monkey colonies on many separate islands for over thirty years. In order to keep track of the monkeys, they would drop sweet potatoes on the beach for them to eat. The monkeys would come out of the trees to get the sweet potatoes, and would be in plain sight to be observed. One day an 18-month-old female monkey named Imo started to wash her sweet potato in the sea before eating it. We can imagine that it tasted better without the grit and sand; maybe it even was slightly salty. Imo showed her playmates and her mother how to do it, and her friends showed their mothers, and gradually more and more monkeys began to wash their sweet potatoes instead of eating them grit and all. At first, only the adults who imitated their children learned, and gradually others did also. One day, the observers saw that all the monkeys on that particular island were washing their sweet potatoes.
Although this was significant, what was even more fascinating to note was that when this shift happened, the behavior of monkeys on all the other islands changed as well; they now all washed their sweet potatoes - despite the fact that monkey colonies on the different islands had no direct contact with each other.
The "hundredth monkey" was the hypothesized anonymous monkey that tipped the scales for the culture: the one whose change in behavior signaled the critical number of changed monkeys, after which all the monkeys on all the islands washed their sweet potatoes.
"The hundredth monkey is an allegory that gives hope to people who have been working on changing themselves and saving the planet, and wondering if their individual efforts will make any difference at all. As a myth, the hundredth monkey is a statement that affirms a commitment to work on something, like ridding Earth of nuclear weapons - even if the effect is invisible for a long time. If there is to be a hundredth monkey there has to be a human equivalent of Imo and her friends; someone has to be the twenty-seventh and the eighty-first and the ninety-ninth monkey, before a new archetype can come into being."
Jean Bolen, M.D.
British biologist Rupert Sheldrake believes that "morphogenic fields" shape the form, development, and behavior of organisms - even if there are no conventional forms of contact between them. Fields are built up over time by the repetitive actions of animals or people of the same species. When a certain number of the members of the species learn the behavior, it is automatically acquired by the other members of the species. Sheldrake has proven the action of morphogenic fields experimentally with both animals and such elementary phenomena as the growth of crystals. This theory is consistent with field theory and nonlocal causation in Quantum physics. We can think of shared vision, values, and purpose as an invisible ordering (field) in organizations.
In organizations, disappointing change efforts, mediocre leadership, the loss of trust and credibility, and the inner turmoil are so great that life may, at times, seem hopeless. We think not. While the destructiveness of an incomplete worldview is apparent all around us, the new growth that is emerging is not always so obvious.
I will not forget the barren, ash covered landscape surrounding Mount St. Helens a year or two after the volcano erupted spewing ash and destruction for hundreds of miles. I felt stunned and said to my wife, "This must be what the aftermath of an atomic war would be like" as I scanned the area. The destruction was overwhelming; it was easy to overlook the grass beginning to grow through the ash. Cleansed by destruction, nature began again.
Like Mount St. Helens, new creation is taking place in our organizational lives. We meet people weekly who are seeking new forms for their lives, for leadership, and for organizations. We see a critical mass of people growing who want to be part of the potential of the transformation the world is experiencing. They are the courageous artists and pioneers who are discovering, creating, and beginning to live from a new, organic worldview.
The hundredth monkey is the name of a new myth. It's a story that has arisen, been repeated, and written about only in the last two decades. It is of very recent origin and yet, like Greek myths that tell of the Trojan war, it's not clear where fact ends and metaphor begins. The story was based on scientific observations of monkey colonies in Japan.
Off the shores of Japan, scientists had been studying monkey colonies on many separate islands for over thirty years. In order to keep track of the monkeys, they would drop sweet potatoes on the beach for them to eat. The monkeys would come out of the trees to get the sweet potatoes, and would be in plain sight to be observed. One day an 18-month-old female monkey named Imo started to wash her sweet potato in the sea before eating it. We can imagine that it tasted better without the grit and sand; maybe it even was slightly salty. Imo showed her playmates and her mother how to do it, and her friends showed their mothers, and gradually more and more monkeys began to wash their sweet potatoes instead of eating them grit and all. At first, only the adults who imitated their children learned, and gradually others did also. One day, the observers saw that all the monkeys on that particular island were washing their sweet potatoes.
Although this was significant, what was even more fascinating to note was that when this shift happened, the behavior of monkeys on all the other islands changed as well; they now all washed their sweet potatoes - despite the fact that monkey colonies on the different islands had no direct contact with each other.
The "hundredth monkey" was the hypothesized anonymous monkey that tipped the scales for the culture: the one whose change in behavior signaled the critical number of changed monkeys, after which all the monkeys on all the islands washed their sweet potatoes.
"The hundredth monkey is an allegory that gives hope to people who have been working on changing themselves and saving the planet, and wondering if their individual efforts will make any difference at all. As a myth, the hundredth monkey is a statement that affirms a commitment to work on something, like ridding Earth of nuclear weapons - even if the effect is invisible for a long time. If there is to be a hundredth monkey there has to be a human equivalent of Imo and her friends; someone has to be the twenty-seventh and the eighty-first and the ninety-ninth monkey, before a new archetype can come into being."
Jean Bolen, M.D.
British biologist Rupert Sheldrake believes that "morphogenic fields" shape the form, development, and behavior of organisms - even if there are no conventional forms of contact between them. Fields are built up over time by the repetitive actions of animals or people of the same species. When a certain number of the members of the species learn the behavior, it is automatically acquired by the other members of the species. Sheldrake has proven the action of morphogenic fields experimentally with both animals and such elementary phenomena as the growth of crystals. This theory is consistent with field theory and nonlocal causation in Quantum physics. We can think of shared vision, values, and purpose as an invisible ordering (field) in organizations.
In organizations, disappointing change efforts, mediocre leadership, the loss of trust and credibility, and the inner turmoil are so great that life may, at times, seem hopeless. We think not. While the destructiveness of an incomplete worldview is apparent all around us, the new growth that is emerging is not always so obvious.
I will not forget the barren, ash covered landscape surrounding Mount St. Helens a year or two after the volcano erupted spewing ash and destruction for hundreds of miles. I felt stunned and said to my wife, "This must be what the aftermath of an atomic war would be like" as I scanned the area. The destruction was overwhelming; it was easy to overlook the grass beginning to grow through the ash. Cleansed by destruction, nature began again.
Like Mount St. Helens, new creation is taking place in our organizational lives. We meet people weekly who are seeking new forms for their lives, for leadership, and for organizations. We see a critical mass of people growing who want to be part of the potential of the transformation the world is experiencing. They are the courageous artists and pioneers who are discovering, creating, and beginning to live from a new, organic worldview.
OLDER WOMEN TALK ABOUT SEX
by Beverly Johnson, Ph.D. RN
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How did these older women describe themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How did these older women describe themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.
AGING, ALCOHOL ABUSE, BINGE DRINKING AND ALCOHOLISM
-by Emily Carton, LISW
Anyone at any age can develop or resume a drinking problem. Great Uncle George may have always been a heavy drinker -- his family may find that as he gets older, the problem gets worse. Grandma Betty may have been a teetotaler all her life, just taking a drink "to help her get to sleep" after her husband died -- now she needs a couple of drinks to get through the day. These are common stories. Drinking problems in older people are often neglected by families, doctors, and the public.
Physical Effects of Alcohol
Alcohol slows down brain activity.
Because alcohol affects alertness, judgment, coordination, and reaction time, drinking increases the risk of falls and accidents.
Some research has shown that it takes less alcohol to affect older than younger people.
Over time, heavy drinking permanently damages the brain and central nervous system, as well as the liver, heart, kidneys, and stomach.
Alcohol's effects can make some medical problems hard to diagnose. For example, alcohol causes changes in the heart and blood vessels that can dull pain that might be a warning sign of a heart attack.
It also can cause forgetfulness and confusion, which can seem like Alzheimer's disease.
Mixing Drugs
Alcohol, itself a drug, is often harmful when mixed with prescription or over-the-counter medicines. This is a special problem for people over 65, because they are often heavy users of prescription and over-the-counter medications.
Mixing alcohol with other drugs such as tranquilizers, sleeping pills, pain killers, and antihistamines can be very dangerous, even fatal. For example, aspirin can cause bleeding in the stomach and intestines; when aspirin is combined with alcohol, the risk of bleeding is much higher. When alcohol is mixed with sleeping pills or barbiturates such as ativan, valium or librium, the combination can slow down the body's vital systems to the point of the person seemingly slips out of consciousness, but in reality, they have gone into cardiac or pulmonary arrest, and die.
As people age, the body's ability to absorb and dispose of alcohol and other drugs changes. Anyone who drinks should check with a doctor or pharmacist about possible problems with drug and alcohol interactions.
Who Becomes a Problem Drinker?
There are two types of problem drinkers -- chronic and situational. Chronic abusers have been heavy drinkers for many years. Although many chronic abusers die by middle age, some live well into old age. Most older problem drinkers are in this group.
Other people may develop a drinking problem late in life, often because of "situational" factors such as retirement, lowered income, failing health, loneliness, or the death of friends or loved ones. At first, having a drink brings relief, but later it can turn into a chronic companion or escape.
How to Recognize a Problem
Not everyone who drinks regularly has a drinking problem. Binge drinking, even just a few times a year, can be a signal that a problem exists. You might want to get help if you:
Drink to calm your nerves, forget your worries, or reduce depression
Lose interest in food
Gulp your drinks down fast
Lie or try to hide your drinking habits
Drink alone more often
Hurt yourself, or someone else, while drinking
Are drunk more than three or four times last year
Need more alcohol to get "high"
Feel irritable, resentful, or unreasonable when you are not drinking
Have medical, social, or financial problems caused by drinking
What is Binge Drinking?
Binge drinking is also referred to as 'heavy episodic drinking", has been defined in different ways at different times. Most people who binge drink are not alcohol dependent, or chronically alcoholic. It currently most often refers to heavy drinking over a short period of time, such as an evening. It often occurs with the intention of getting intoxicated, and is sometimes associated with social or physical harm. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings a person’s blood alcohol concentration (BAC) to 0.08 grams percent or higher. This typically happens when the average size American male consumes 5 or more drinks, and when an American female consumes 4 or more drinks, in about 2 hours. In older people, binge drinking can be associated with these ehalth problems:
Accidental injuries (e.g. vehicle crash, falling, burning, drowning)
Intentional injuries (e.g. firearm injuries, sexual assault, domestic violence)
Alcohol poisoning
High blood pressure, stroke, and other cardiovascular diseases
Neurological damage
Sexual dysfunction or sexually transmitted disease
Poor control of diabetes
Liver disease
Getting Help
Older problem drinkers have a very good chance for recovery because once they decide to seek help, they usually stay with treatment programs. You can begin getting help by calling your family doctor or clergy member. Your local health department or social services agencies also can help.
Anyone at any age can develop or resume a drinking problem. Great Uncle George may have always been a heavy drinker -- his family may find that as he gets older, the problem gets worse. Grandma Betty may have been a teetotaler all her life, just taking a drink "to help her get to sleep" after her husband died -- now she needs a couple of drinks to get through the day. These are common stories. Drinking problems in older people are often neglected by families, doctors, and the public.
Physical Effects of Alcohol
Alcohol slows down brain activity.
Because alcohol affects alertness, judgment, coordination, and reaction time, drinking increases the risk of falls and accidents.
Some research has shown that it takes less alcohol to affect older than younger people.
Over time, heavy drinking permanently damages the brain and central nervous system, as well as the liver, heart, kidneys, and stomach.
Alcohol's effects can make some medical problems hard to diagnose. For example, alcohol causes changes in the heart and blood vessels that can dull pain that might be a warning sign of a heart attack.
It also can cause forgetfulness and confusion, which can seem like Alzheimer's disease.
Mixing Drugs
Alcohol, itself a drug, is often harmful when mixed with prescription or over-the-counter medicines. This is a special problem for people over 65, because they are often heavy users of prescription and over-the-counter medications.
Mixing alcohol with other drugs such as tranquilizers, sleeping pills, pain killers, and antihistamines can be very dangerous, even fatal. For example, aspirin can cause bleeding in the stomach and intestines; when aspirin is combined with alcohol, the risk of bleeding is much higher. When alcohol is mixed with sleeping pills or barbiturates such as ativan, valium or librium, the combination can slow down the body's vital systems to the point of the person seemingly slips out of consciousness, but in reality, they have gone into cardiac or pulmonary arrest, and die.
As people age, the body's ability to absorb and dispose of alcohol and other drugs changes. Anyone who drinks should check with a doctor or pharmacist about possible problems with drug and alcohol interactions.
Who Becomes a Problem Drinker?
There are two types of problem drinkers -- chronic and situational. Chronic abusers have been heavy drinkers for many years. Although many chronic abusers die by middle age, some live well into old age. Most older problem drinkers are in this group.
Other people may develop a drinking problem late in life, often because of "situational" factors such as retirement, lowered income, failing health, loneliness, or the death of friends or loved ones. At first, having a drink brings relief, but later it can turn into a chronic companion or escape.
How to Recognize a Problem
Not everyone who drinks regularly has a drinking problem. Binge drinking, even just a few times a year, can be a signal that a problem exists. You might want to get help if you:
Drink to calm your nerves, forget your worries, or reduce depression
Lose interest in food
Gulp your drinks down fast
Lie or try to hide your drinking habits
Drink alone more often
Hurt yourself, or someone else, while drinking
Are drunk more than three or four times last year
Need more alcohol to get "high"
Feel irritable, resentful, or unreasonable when you are not drinking
Have medical, social, or financial problems caused by drinking
What is Binge Drinking?
Binge drinking is also referred to as 'heavy episodic drinking", has been defined in different ways at different times. Most people who binge drink are not alcohol dependent, or chronically alcoholic. It currently most often refers to heavy drinking over a short period of time, such as an evening. It often occurs with the intention of getting intoxicated, and is sometimes associated with social or physical harm. The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking that brings a person’s blood alcohol concentration (BAC) to 0.08 grams percent or higher. This typically happens when the average size American male consumes 5 or more drinks, and when an American female consumes 4 or more drinks, in about 2 hours. In older people, binge drinking can be associated with these ehalth problems:
Accidental injuries (e.g. vehicle crash, falling, burning, drowning)
Intentional injuries (e.g. firearm injuries, sexual assault, domestic violence)
Alcohol poisoning
High blood pressure, stroke, and other cardiovascular diseases
Neurological damage
Sexual dysfunction or sexually transmitted disease
Poor control of diabetes
Liver disease
Getting Help
Older problem drinkers have a very good chance for recovery because once they decide to seek help, they usually stay with treatment programs. You can begin getting help by calling your family doctor or clergy member. Your local health department or social services agencies also can help.
Good Sex is Good for You!
"Life without love is like a coconut in which the milk is dried up." Henry David Thoreau
"Good sex....Improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity."
Scientific evidence is accumulating support what many of us have suspected all along: good sex not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, but it also actually improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity.
In a new book called Sexual Healing, Dr. Paul Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes that the joys and pleasures of living life and loving may provide us with something called an "intimacy inoculation" that actually protects us from disease.
Dr. Pearsall, who cites numerous other researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of physicians now recognize that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet, and exercise, but also --to a large extent-- on the social and emotional health of the individual."
Sexual healing is achieved primarily through the daily challenge of maintaining a close, intimate relationship which, when accomplished, leads to balance between our health and healing systems.
Can lack of sexual intimacy create a risk factor for certain diseases? Dr. Pearsall cites research and his own clinical experience ndicating that sexual dissatisfaction seems to be prevalent prior to a heart attack in a high percentage of persons. Conversely, sexual contentment appears related to less severe migraine headaches, fewer and less-severe symptoms of premenstrual syndrome for women, and a reduction in symptoms related to chronic arthritis for both genders.
Although the exact biological mechanisms are not yet identified, many researchers are investigating how our thoughts, feelings, brain, immune system and sexual/genital system interact, influence each other, and affect our health. There may be an actual biological drive toward closeness, intimacy, and being connected to other human beings.
When we experience intimate, mutually caring sexual intimacy, we may experience a measurable change in neurochemicals and hormones that pour through the body and help promote health and healing.
"Hormones that pour through the body help promote health and healing."
Does this mean that to live longer or be more healthy we just need to DO IT more often or better? Of course not! Sex is a much broader concept that genital connecting or having an orgasm. Psychologist and author Gina Ogden, Ph.D. notes in her book, "Women Who Love Sex", that sex has everything to do with openness, connection to and bonding with a partner, feelings about what is happening to us, and memories. For those who love it, sex permeates their lives and is not merely a specialized, time-intensive, physical activity that takes place under the covers--as quickly as possible.
As a result of interviewing many women, Dr. Ogden learned that sexual desire, or lust, was produced by much more than physical stimulation. For women, according to Dr.Ogden, it has more to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships: "Heart to heart, soul to soul, even mind to mind."
"For women, it has to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships."
When discussing sexual connecting, Dr. Ogden's interviewees spoke of a FLOWING CONTINUUM OF PLEASURE, ORGASM, AND ECSTASY, rather than a one-time experience. They also described peak sexual experiences as coming from stimulation all over their bodies--not just from their genitals--including fingers, toes, hips, lips, neck, and earlobes.
Obviously, arousal and satisfaction evolve not only from receiving sexual energy, but also from the joy of stimulating one's partner. Sex, then, is a commitment of give and take.
Finally, the women Dr. Ogden studied have their own concepts of safe sex, essential to experiencing sexual pleasure and ecstasy. This kind of safe sex does NOT relate to preventing STDs or pregnancy; it relates, instead, to emotional and spiritual safety. Such safety is CRUCIAL for sexual closeness. Most of the women insisted that warm, loving connections with themselves and with their partners were essential to and inseparable from the experience of sexual ecstasy.
When people feel deeply close while merely holding hands, they are having sex. When people display caring for each other through hugs, caresses, and kissing, they are also having sex. When connecting people in a crowded room wink at each other in their own secret way, they are communicating sex to each other; such non-contact sex can be excitedly arousing and emotionally fulfilling. And, of course, during sexual union when the sky seems to open so a lightning bolt can strike the couple--while fireworks ignite and the earth stops spinning-- this is sex, too.
But wait. Do men also need this almost spiritual connection to enjoy sex and achieve good health? Well, yes and no. Men need sex and men need emotional connection, but many men don't necessarily need to put the two together!
According to Dr. Bernie Zilbergelt, who wrote The New Male Sexuality, sex for women is intertwined with personal connection. For some men , sex is unto itself--an act to be engaged in with or without love, with or without commitment, with or without connection.
Presently, younger boys are being socialized in a more enlightened manner; consequently, male attitudes toward sexual union are changing. But,unfortunately, the socialization of many men born in or before the 60's provided very little information of value to the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships. These men were taught, as youths, that males showed love by doing, not by talking or "connecting" with girls.
"Fortunately, anyone can...restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow."
Older men were usually also socialized to be strong and self-reliant, which usually means one doesn't easily talk about or admit personal problems. Many such men do not acknowledge worries and fears to their partners; they simply try to handle everything on their own.
A consequence of such reticence is (1) lack of intimacy in the relationship, with the wife feeling "left out" of her husband's life; and (2) men often don't get what they need because they don't know how to ask for it, so they feel distanced and frustrated when they really want closeness and intimacy as much as their partner does.
Sex under these conditions creates distance in the relationship or creates sexual dysfunction which drives an even deeper wedge into the relationship. This is especially true if a man is married to a woman must be wanted by her husband to have her sexuality validated.
Consequently, sex routinely becomes mechanical, unfeeling, and unfulfilling. Fortunately, anyone can break this vicious cycle and restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow in the relationship.
"Good sex....Improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity."
Scientific evidence is accumulating support what many of us have suspected all along: good sex not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, but it also actually improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity.
In a new book called Sexual Healing, Dr. Paul Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes that the joys and pleasures of living life and loving may provide us with something called an "intimacy inoculation" that actually protects us from disease.
Dr. Pearsall, who cites numerous other researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of physicians now recognize that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet, and exercise, but also --to a large extent-- on the social and emotional health of the individual."
Sexual healing is achieved primarily through the daily challenge of maintaining a close, intimate relationship which, when accomplished, leads to balance between our health and healing systems.
Can lack of sexual intimacy create a risk factor for certain diseases? Dr. Pearsall cites research and his own clinical experience ndicating that sexual dissatisfaction seems to be prevalent prior to a heart attack in a high percentage of persons. Conversely, sexual contentment appears related to less severe migraine headaches, fewer and less-severe symptoms of premenstrual syndrome for women, and a reduction in symptoms related to chronic arthritis for both genders.
Although the exact biological mechanisms are not yet identified, many researchers are investigating how our thoughts, feelings, brain, immune system and sexual/genital system interact, influence each other, and affect our health. There may be an actual biological drive toward closeness, intimacy, and being connected to other human beings.
When we experience intimate, mutually caring sexual intimacy, we may experience a measurable change in neurochemicals and hormones that pour through the body and help promote health and healing.
"Hormones that pour through the body help promote health and healing."
Does this mean that to live longer or be more healthy we just need to DO IT more often or better? Of course not! Sex is a much broader concept that genital connecting or having an orgasm. Psychologist and author Gina Ogden, Ph.D. notes in her book, "Women Who Love Sex", that sex has everything to do with openness, connection to and bonding with a partner, feelings about what is happening to us, and memories. For those who love it, sex permeates their lives and is not merely a specialized, time-intensive, physical activity that takes place under the covers--as quickly as possible.
As a result of interviewing many women, Dr. Ogden learned that sexual desire, or lust, was produced by much more than physical stimulation. For women, according to Dr.Ogden, it has more to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships: "Heart to heart, soul to soul, even mind to mind."
"For women, it has to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships."
When discussing sexual connecting, Dr. Ogden's interviewees spoke of a FLOWING CONTINUUM OF PLEASURE, ORGASM, AND ECSTASY, rather than a one-time experience. They also described peak sexual experiences as coming from stimulation all over their bodies--not just from their genitals--including fingers, toes, hips, lips, neck, and earlobes.
Obviously, arousal and satisfaction evolve not only from receiving sexual energy, but also from the joy of stimulating one's partner. Sex, then, is a commitment of give and take.
Finally, the women Dr. Ogden studied have their own concepts of safe sex, essential to experiencing sexual pleasure and ecstasy. This kind of safe sex does NOT relate to preventing STDs or pregnancy; it relates, instead, to emotional and spiritual safety. Such safety is CRUCIAL for sexual closeness. Most of the women insisted that warm, loving connections with themselves and with their partners were essential to and inseparable from the experience of sexual ecstasy.
When people feel deeply close while merely holding hands, they are having sex. When people display caring for each other through hugs, caresses, and kissing, they are also having sex. When connecting people in a crowded room wink at each other in their own secret way, they are communicating sex to each other; such non-contact sex can be excitedly arousing and emotionally fulfilling. And, of course, during sexual union when the sky seems to open so a lightning bolt can strike the couple--while fireworks ignite and the earth stops spinning-- this is sex, too.
But wait. Do men also need this almost spiritual connection to enjoy sex and achieve good health? Well, yes and no. Men need sex and men need emotional connection, but many men don't necessarily need to put the two together!
According to Dr. Bernie Zilbergelt, who wrote The New Male Sexuality, sex for women is intertwined with personal connection. For some men , sex is unto itself--an act to be engaged in with or without love, with or without commitment, with or without connection.
Presently, younger boys are being socialized in a more enlightened manner; consequently, male attitudes toward sexual union are changing. But,unfortunately, the socialization of many men born in or before the 60's provided very little information of value to the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships. These men were taught, as youths, that males showed love by doing, not by talking or "connecting" with girls.
"Fortunately, anyone can...restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow."
Older men were usually also socialized to be strong and self-reliant, which usually means one doesn't easily talk about or admit personal problems. Many such men do not acknowledge worries and fears to their partners; they simply try to handle everything on their own.
A consequence of such reticence is (1) lack of intimacy in the relationship, with the wife feeling "left out" of her husband's life; and (2) men often don't get what they need because they don't know how to ask for it, so they feel distanced and frustrated when they really want closeness and intimacy as much as their partner does.
Sex under these conditions creates distance in the relationship or creates sexual dysfunction which drives an even deeper wedge into the relationship. This is especially true if a man is married to a woman must be wanted by her husband to have her sexuality validated.
Consequently, sex routinely becomes mechanical, unfeeling, and unfulfilling. Fortunately, anyone can break this vicious cycle and restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow in the relationship.
London - Restaurants and Bars
Londoners are spoiled with many choices when it comes to dining out. The cuisine of almost any country in the world can be sampled in the capital. Options include Korean, Burmese, Argentine steak, Vegan, Malaysian, Mauritian, Modern British, and Hungarian — all in all, an epicurean feast! Food is a popular hedonistic pleasure, with restaurants emerging as trendy hang-outs, chefs becoming TV stars and cookery books turning into hot bestsellers. Naturally every area and every other road in London has a place to eat, but certain areas do excel. Camden - This perennially popular neighborhood teems with great mid-range venues like Wagamama, everyone's favorite modern noodle bar, and Cottons — a favorite for Caribbean cuisine. The famous Jazz Cafe brings some great blues and an eclectic selection of music to the area. Chelsea & Fulham have a first-rate selection of restaurants catering to the area's wealthy clientele — but the variety is just as vast as the rest of the city. Enjoy classy Thai at Blue Elephant and join locals for authentic Italian at Chelsea stalwart La Famiglia. For some brilliant 'Modern British' head to Conran's Bibendum and Bluebird. For the gastro-pub experience, join the Chelsea crowd at The Admiral Codrington and sample great, updated British grub like salmon fishcakes and warm liver salad. Covent Garden mixes the simple with the traditional, the substantial with the stylish. Food for Thought on Neal Street is a popular vegetarian hole-in-the-wall that serves hearty portions to students and travelers alike. Traditional English fare is the order of the day at Rules; it always offers a refined and restrained dining experience. Another appealing venue is The Ivy, in the heart of Theaterland, which boasts celebrity spotting. Charlotte Street, up the road in Fitzrovia, is also packed with superb restaurants, perfect for business and romance. Islington's Upper Street is swarming with restaurants, bars and cafes; Modern British cuisine is very well represented. You can also find a range of other cuisines, from Turkish to Vietnamese. Kensington & Knightsbridge - Kensington Place is a good spot for lunch, visit Julie's for a romantic evening, and Clarkes is a contemporary and elegant experience. San Lorenzo on Beauchamp Place was Princess Diana's favorite place for Italian and continues to attract many food connoisseurs. Marylebone has some great eateries, including the elegant Orrery (another Conran venture). For Irish cuisine, try the Ard Ri Dining Room above the O'Conor Don Pub. In St. Christopher's Place, a charming courtyard off Oxford Street, you'll find cafes, Italian trattorias and juice bars. Mayfair & West End - The 28th floor Galvin at Windows at the Hilton Hotel offers fantastic views of London's nightscape; have a drink before indulging at the eternally trendy Nobu or Mirabelle. Deeper in Mayfair, enjoy the Michelin-starred modern French cuisine of The Square, probably one of London's finest restaurants. Check out Indian favorites including upmarket Veeraswarmy and Chor Bizarre. If you seek opulent relaxation, visit Momo, where you can sit cross-legged and enjoy Middle Eastern treats. Notting Hill is home to hip restaurants of all kinds. There is a vast selection of Italian places, like the snug and friendly Osteria Basilico. Tom's delicatessen is popular for weekend brunches, but be prepared for long lines. For something more exotic, try some Caribbean food, abundant at Carnival time from street stalls. Primrose Hill is one of London's best-kept secrets. The hugely popular Greek restaurant Lemonia is perfect for families while Odette's suits intimate, romantic dinners and enjoyment of fine wines. Manna is a great vegetarian restaurant, and Sesame, the whole-food store, has a great cafe on Regent's Park Road. Soho & Chinatown, one of London's top nightlife areas, has an incredible concentration of bars, restaurants and cafes. From Bar Italia and the trendy vegetarian eatery Mildred's to the very exclusive Lindsay House, you can find practically anything in just a few dense blocks. South Bank - Oxo Tower has the hype to match the buzz and a formidable view. Its West London counterpart Thai Square Putney is an architectural delight offering both great views of the Thames and knock-out food. Terence Conran's Blue Print Cafe leaves a fine impression with views of Tower Bridge. The City has a super vegetarian lunch venue in the crypt of St. Mary-le-Bow called The Place Below. Other options in the area include Futures restaurant, The Eagle gastro-pub and the literary Filthy McNasty pub for a drink. Stylish and formal restaurants, from Conran's Aurora to the trendy Smith's, are abundant. Hotels are also a good bet for eating out, since they have a pleasant touch of luxury, tip-top service and tables that are often available at the last minute. Afternoon teas are an English tradition that cannot be missed — scones, clotted cream and leaf tea in silver teapots. The Dorchester and Brown's are among the great hotels serving tea from 3p. You can even find good food at Internet cafes, mushrooming all over the capital. Many public houses, besides pumping real ale, are metamorphosing into gastro-pubs. With such a fabulous choice, standards are very high. London is truly terrific on a global scale.
Introduction to - Budapest
Undoubtedly the brightest jewel on the Danube, present-day Budapest was created in 1873 from the separate towns of Buda, Pest and Obuda. Its population of 2 million resides in 23 districts—the central ones will be covered here. The definitive view of Budapest is that of the Castle District located within the first district. It is an absolute must see, and can easily be accessed by a lovely funicular cable car that offers great views on the way up to the castles. It's hard to imagine that the palace and entire hill with its medieval and baroque residences were utterly flattened during World War II. More baroque splendor extends along Fo utca (Main Street) and flanks Batthyany ter, site of the most spectacular Buda-side view of Pest and the Parliament Building. The adjacent Gellert Hill and the Citadella form part of the profile of the first district. The hills drop abruptly into the river and define the city's geography, an utterly flat Pest sits on the opposite bank and the majestic Danube flows between them. The city center (Belvaros) is Pest's District V, embracing the area within the Kiskorut (little boulevard). With the awe-inspiring brick and tiled hulk of the Vasarcsarnok (main market hall) at one end, its spine is the affluent retail hub that is the Vaci utca. The city's administrative flank, the Lipotvaros section, extends between Bajcsy-Zsilinsky and the Danube. It includes the Parliament Building and the many ministries that make up the country's administration. Less institutionalized corruption has ensured that the array of shops and restaurants in this district is ever-changing: here today, gone tomorrow. District VI is the city's mainstream cultural wedge and features Andrassy ut, Budapest's most beautiful boulevard, that has two ends: the traffic center Deák Square where all three metro lines meet and Heroes' Square one of the city's most important monuments that stands before the City Park. A short walk will take you to one of Budapest's main luxury attractions and what is one or Europe's largest spas, the Szechenyi Thermal Baths. The Andrassy ut is also considered Budapest's very own 'Broadway' when it crosses Nagymezo utca and the Opera House both of which are comfortably ensconced here among the hundreds of eclectic buildings. Franz Liszt ter has become the city's social hot spot, particularly during the summer when the hip hold court at the half a dozen outdoor bars and cafes that spill out onto the pavement. District VII is Budapest's historic Old Jewish Quarter, containing several synagogues, Kosher bakeries, restaurants, hotels, and a happening night life. One recurring architectural theme is the presence of long, interconnected courtyards that link two parallel streets, out of practical and strategic necessity. The most incredible example of this is the haunting, vacant Gozsdu udvar. The sixth undoubtedly has the best 'neighborhood' feel of all the districts within the Nagykorut. The eighth could also be known as the 'District of Ill Repute.' Rakoczi ter has long since entered the lexicon as more than just a place name, but other areas have outshone it in its brand of commerce. There have been many attempts to establish Red Light Districts for legal prostitution here in Jozsefvaros, and just as many attempts to discourage them. However, visitors won't run into any brazen tawdriness unless they venture outside the Nagykorut. District IX, Ferencvaros, is similar in character to the working-class if not downright impoverished eighth, except that it is now an 'up-and-coming' area. Trendy bars and cafes are springing up on Raday utca and in the section bounded by the Nagykorut. Gentrification will continue due to the potential for development alongside the Danube. It is definitely still worth a visit for tourists as the marvelous Museum of Applied Arts can be found here. Though technically in the 8th district, the beautiful Hungarian National Museum with its unique architecture is just a few steps from Raday street, and is also worth the trip. Pop across the river again to Obuda ('Old Buda'), which makes up District III. It was the site of the Roman encampment Aquincum, the northernmost frontier of the Roman Empire in continental Europe. Consequently, many amphitheatres and artifacts have been unearthed here. However, many of Budapest's oldest and most beautiful dwellings were razed during the Communist period in order to make way for the huge apartment blocks just off Arpad bridge. Practically all that remains is a small collection of (restored) buildings around Fo ter. District II, the Rozsadomb, or 'Rose Hill,' is where Budapest's elite live. Dotted thickly with old villas and embassy residences, it got its name from the Turk Gul Baba, whose tomb is reached via a cobblestone lane. District XII is the gateway to the Buda Hills and serenity, a mere few minutes from Moszkva ter. Buda's tallest hill, Janos Hegy, presides over this area, and there are many spectacular views to check out here from the chair-lift, Children's Railway and the Cogwheel Railway. The latter two also service Szechenyi Hill. District XI is where the bourgeois of Buda lived before they took to the hills, but the area remains quite affluent. It curves around Gellert Hill and extends to the border of Budapest itself. Most of the activity in this district centers around Moricz Zsigmond korter and the Technical University, which fronts a huge stretch of the River Danube between Szabadsag and Lagymanyosi bridges. To experience some solace in this bustling neighborhood make sure to take a trip to the Feneketlen to.
Sun and culture on the Costa Brava
Whitewashed fishing villages. Crystalline seawater. Underwater paradise areas and nature reserves with deep green, untouched landscapes. Small coves, hidden between rocky outcrops. Tourist towns like Lloret de Mar, Cadaqués and Roses. The Costa Brava forms a large tract of the Catalonian coast. It is proud of its traditions, birth-place and source of inspiration to Salvador Dalí, and home to impressive monuments and a wealth of history.
With rugged cliffs, pine forests, hidden coves and dream beaches, this is one of Spain's most picturesque areas: the Costa Brava. A land of sea, light, north winds and fishermen. History and art in the form of archaeological sites, monasteries, churches, bridges, monumental sites, fiestas and age-old celebrations, which all give a unique character to this area, stretching more than 200 kilometres over the north of Catalonia, in the province of Girona. Thanks to its excellent climate, this part of the Catalonian coast has been one of the most sought-after destinations for tourists from all over the world for decades, enjoying a wide range of cultural activities all year round. Concerts, festivals and popular celebrations fill its towns and villages with music, colour, and joy. Come and savour a rum cremat as you listen to habaneras (traditional songs that evoke sea journeys of times gone by) on summer nights in Calella de Palafrugell. Travel back to the middle ages in Verges and watch the frightening Dança de la Mort (Dance of death). Discover the spectacular firework competition (one of the world's most important) in Blanes, or visit the unique Peralada Castle during its prestigious, internationally renowned music festival.
The Costa Brava also has an impressive variety of priceless historical-artistic heritage. This is the area's artistic and cultural inheritance. Take your time to explore the area's villages, enjoying exceptional landscapes all the while, including Romanesque churches and monasteries such as Sant Pere de Rodes, in Port de la Selva, the ancient citadel at Roses, the Greco-Roman ruins at Empúries, Catalonia's most visited archaeological site - the medieval town of Pals or Palamós, the walled town of Tossa de Mar, or, a little further into the interior, loose yourself in the unique old town of Girona, with its winding, age-old cobbled streets. Alternatively, in Figueres you can admire the art of surrealist genius Salvador Dalí, the Costa Brava's great international ambassador. This wonderful part of the Catalonian coast inspired great artists such as Picasso, Klein and Marc Chagall, but it was surely Dalí who brought international fame to this corner of the Mediterranean. He was born and died in Figueres and the artist's mark can be seen throughout the village. Here you will find the Dalí Theatre-Museum, a work in itself, it is a must-see with its "egg-topped" towers and the huge dome beneath which the painter's remains lie at rest. Just a few kilometres away you will find Cadaqués, one of the Costa Brava's most emblematic villages, with its white fishermen's houses, home to the Salvador Dalí House Museum, in Portlligat, the artist's refuge, where he painted the majority of his greatest works. In the interior once again you will find the Castell Gala-Dalí House-Museum, in Púbol, with its garden of surrealist elephants and the crypt where Gala, the genius' muse, is buried.
Every year the Costa Brava, with its exceptional leisure and hotel infrastructure, attracts thousands of tourists. Places like Lloret de Mar offer the ideal place to spend a few days of sun and sand. The quality of its waters and coastline, with protected nature reserves, unspoilt coves, wide open beaches and paradise dive sites such as the Medes islands in L'Estartit, or the Formigues Islands in Palafrugell are a must for nature and water-sports lovers. From Portbou, on the border with France, all the way to Blanes, a universe of culture, tradition, coast, sun, sport and unspoilt nature awaits you - spots that will captivate you from first sight and villages packed with history and art.
With rugged cliffs, pine forests, hidden coves and dream beaches, this is one of Spain's most picturesque areas: the Costa Brava. A land of sea, light, north winds and fishermen. History and art in the form of archaeological sites, monasteries, churches, bridges, monumental sites, fiestas and age-old celebrations, which all give a unique character to this area, stretching more than 200 kilometres over the north of Catalonia, in the province of Girona. Thanks to its excellent climate, this part of the Catalonian coast has been one of the most sought-after destinations for tourists from all over the world for decades, enjoying a wide range of cultural activities all year round. Concerts, festivals and popular celebrations fill its towns and villages with music, colour, and joy. Come and savour a rum cremat as you listen to habaneras (traditional songs that evoke sea journeys of times gone by) on summer nights in Calella de Palafrugell. Travel back to the middle ages in Verges and watch the frightening Dança de la Mort (Dance of death). Discover the spectacular firework competition (one of the world's most important) in Blanes, or visit the unique Peralada Castle during its prestigious, internationally renowned music festival.
The Costa Brava also has an impressive variety of priceless historical-artistic heritage. This is the area's artistic and cultural inheritance. Take your time to explore the area's villages, enjoying exceptional landscapes all the while, including Romanesque churches and monasteries such as Sant Pere de Rodes, in Port de la Selva, the ancient citadel at Roses, the Greco-Roman ruins at Empúries, Catalonia's most visited archaeological site - the medieval town of Pals or Palamós, the walled town of Tossa de Mar, or, a little further into the interior, loose yourself in the unique old town of Girona, with its winding, age-old cobbled streets. Alternatively, in Figueres you can admire the art of surrealist genius Salvador Dalí, the Costa Brava's great international ambassador. This wonderful part of the Catalonian coast inspired great artists such as Picasso, Klein and Marc Chagall, but it was surely Dalí who brought international fame to this corner of the Mediterranean. He was born and died in Figueres and the artist's mark can be seen throughout the village. Here you will find the Dalí Theatre-Museum, a work in itself, it is a must-see with its "egg-topped" towers and the huge dome beneath which the painter's remains lie at rest. Just a few kilometres away you will find Cadaqués, one of the Costa Brava's most emblematic villages, with its white fishermen's houses, home to the Salvador Dalí House Museum, in Portlligat, the artist's refuge, where he painted the majority of his greatest works. In the interior once again you will find the Castell Gala-Dalí House-Museum, in Púbol, with its garden of surrealist elephants and the crypt where Gala, the genius' muse, is buried.
Every year the Costa Brava, with its exceptional leisure and hotel infrastructure, attracts thousands of tourists. Places like Lloret de Mar offer the ideal place to spend a few days of sun and sand. The quality of its waters and coastline, with protected nature reserves, unspoilt coves, wide open beaches and paradise dive sites such as the Medes islands in L'Estartit, or the Formigues Islands in Palafrugell are a must for nature and water-sports lovers. From Portbou, on the border with France, all the way to Blanes, a universe of culture, tradition, coast, sun, sport and unspoilt nature awaits you - spots that will captivate you from first sight and villages packed with history and art.
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