DEFINING SEXUAL ORIENTATION

by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.
Sexual orientation is a classic example of a way to categorize people that is both widely misunderstood and controversial. That's not surprising, given our society's problems with sex. Our culture is one that is both obsessed with sex and phobic about it (Gonsiorek,1988). That makes it very difficult to talk calmly about any sexual topic, and sexual orientation is no exception.
Much of the confusion about sexual orientation occurs because there is no single agreed upon definition of the term. There are at least three groups of people with an interest in defining sexual orientation: scientists and scholars, people who are defining themselves as not heterosexual, and policy makers and politicians.
Scientists and scholars need clear definitions of sexual orientation so they have a common language for talking about their theories and the results of their research. However, that does not mean all scientists and scholars agree on a single definition of sexual orientation, anymore than they agree on single definitions of other terms.
Sometimes that's because a concept is difficult to define. Sometimes definitions are influenced by cultural and political debates and biases. However, the requirement that scholars and scientists clearly define their terms helps us to understand and interpret their work. There is no one universally accepted definition of sexual orientation, nor of who is bisexual, lesbian, or gay. However, as long as those who study sexual orientation are clear about how they define it, and how they define categories of non-heterosexual orientations, we can at least know who is being studied. Unfortunately, when the popular media report on results of research about sexual orientation, those reports rarely include information about how the researchers defined their terms. One of the questions useful to ask about research results is whether the study was of sexual behavior or sexual orientation. The two are often confused.
I believe any useful definition of sexual orientation should not require that a person be sexually active in order to be defined as having a particular orientation. That is because you do not have to be sexually active to be clear about the gender of those you find attractive. There are heterosexuals who do not become sexually active until they are married, and there are lesbians and bisexuals and gay men who do not become sexually active until they are in long-term committed relationships. There are also people of all sexual orientations who are never sexually active, such as those who take vows of celibacy in religious orders. That is why it is not appropriate to define sexual orientation solely in terms of sexual behavior.
Here is one recent definition I find useful:
A homosexual is an adult whose fantasies, attachments and longings are predominantly for persons of the same gender, who may or may not express those longings in overt behavior, and whose orientation may or may not be accompanied by a homosexual identity (Reiter, 1989, p. 140).
If we extend this definition, then heterosexuals are those for whom fantasies, attachments, and longings are predominantly for persons of the opposite gender, and bisexuals are those with fantasies, attachments and longings for persons of both genders. Notice that this definition distinguishes between orientation and identity. Orientation refers to definitions applied to others for scientific and scholarly purposes. Personal identity refers to what we call ourselves, to the identity we each have as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual person.

Girl On Girl: Hot Tips For First Time Lesbian Lovers!

OK...you can't fight it any more; you've always know that you had lesbian tendencies or were, at the very least bi-curious, and now you've decided to explore, explore, EXPLORE...
First off, you've got meet Miss Right (or even Miss Right Now!) and a niche dating site like PlanetSappho is a great place to start. You arrange a date - she's just what you were hoping for...and tonight's really IS the night..so hold on tight...
1) Making out. While making out Lesbian Move #1 can be used, namely you putting one of your legs between hers and grinding it up so that every once in a while it hits the clitoris through her pants. If done by a master of the technique (which I am not, but was done to me) climax can be acheived whilst the bottom is STILL wearing pants.
2) Clothing still on, but hands roaming around in the shirt, touching bare skin.
3) Bra removal (while shirt is still on!) **Important Note** - To mask killing the mood whilst fumbling at the catches, suck on her neck a bit so that she's not thinking about how clumsy you are.
4) LOTS of licking/ear sucking.
5) Shirt/total bra removal.
6) Kissing/licking/sucking upper chest and collarbone area. Optional: If you're a bit buff, reach behind her and like, hug her to you whilst doing this, tightish embraces at this point work fabulously.
7) NO BREASTS YET! Torso Teaser: Take your tongue and run it all the way down (roughly in a straight line between her breasts) until you get to the waistline of her pants, then kiss/lick/suck her stomach and work your way up.
8) NOW you can start in on breasts, but nipple work is last. Swirling your tongue has some fabulous facets to it, as does sucking. BDSM Option - Okay, NOT TOO HARD but just lightly enough to make it shocking, throw in a bit of a slow LIGHT bite, these are nipples here, don't be getting too hardcore with them!
9) Now we're ready for the big guns (since pretty much all of lesbian sex is foreplay, also, if she makes moves to remove bits of your clothing LET HER! Lesbian sex is all about playing switch and taking turns getting one another off. Multiple orgasms in combination with alternating tops make it last a LONG time.
10) Work your way back up and start making out again, if at any time during steps 2-8 you want to break and make out some more, feel free to do so, these are guidelines, not play by play scenarios, sex is a freestyle sport. Also, taking a breast (or two) in hand and kneading it (kinda like dough) is rather helpful every now and again.
11) Work on neck/ear kiss/suck/lick-ing, whilst doing so, work on the buttons of her pants, and the fly. At this point depending on HOW naked the two of you are getting, you can either go for pant/underwear removal, or just work a hand down there. **Foreplay Bonus** - BEFORE you put your hand into her pants, spend some time kneading her inner thighs (through clothes) with some open handed squeezing.
12a) Second Party Masturbation: Okay, the key here is, just think about the things you like doing to yourself during masturbation, that, and FINDING the clitoris on another person, which may take awhile. Also, don't neglect the sides of the clitoris, and for Gods' sakes don't forget to relube every once in awhile. This can be taken care of rather hotly, take your middle finger and dip down, all nerves in the vaginal canal exist in the first 1/3rd of it after the opening anyway, so unless you're hunting down the G-spot or using a strap-on depth really doesn't matter all that much. Single finger penetration at this point, HOT! After you've gotten more lubrication, go back up and continue clitoral stimulation. Your hand is probably going to get excruciatingly tired, BUT KEEP GOING! Because you're probably going to have to speed up the tempo once your partner starts nearing climax, and that hurts like a bitch, but the payoff is worth it.
12b) Going Downtown: This requires total pant removal, to remove the awkwardness from the situation (ie, her pants/underwear are PROBABLY going to get stuck at some point) spend time, when something goes awry, kissing any available skin to make your partner feel sexy and not ridiculous because her pants are stuck. Okay, at this point, Pants/Underwear Are Now Off: There it is, in all of it's furred glory. Note: To make it easier on your partner you should really trim your bush down to a rather manageable size, because the last thing ANYONE wants to do is floss with your pubic hair, and yes, this DOES HAPPEN so be forewarned. Right, now we're working on foreplay-ish things, because that's what the majority of lesbian sex is (when considered by the hetero-realm), foreplay. So kiss/suck/lick her inner thighs, because they're highly sensitive, and if you're absolutely totally lost down there and can't even figure out WHERE the vaginal opening is (much less the clitoris) take ONE finger (depending on how totally gay your partner is, you may only be able to use one finger at ALL during all of this, some women are tighter than others) and do slow penetration again, and then drag it up her inner labial lips until you hit the clit, then you've found your treasure map X. Take your tongue and do the exact same thing you did with your finger, only you don't have to pull off penetration, just the slow upward stroke TO BE CONTINUED!
12c) G-spot: COMING SOON!
12d) Strap-ons: COMING SOON!
13) When ALL of this is over, you better not forget to cuddle! Lest you be likened to *gasp* some crude insensitive straight man. And who wants that?
Good Luck and Good Nights. This public service announcement brought to you to help young inexperienced lesbians everywhere!