OLDER WOMEN TALK ABOUT SEX

by Beverly Johnson, Ph.D. RN
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How did these older women describe themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.

How To Achieve A Fulfilling Sexual Relationship

An active and healthy sex life is usually a source of great pleasure and enjoyment, but it can also cause a great deal of stress between couples. Even if you have a fulfilling sex life that satisfies your desires, you may still worry about how normal your relationship is compared to other couples.
A great sex life is not dependant on frequency or performance and each person will have their own definition of what constitutes a fulfilling sexual relationship. If your sex life satisfies your desires and makes you and your partner feel good you have nothing to worry about and you should not be concerned with what other people get up to in the bedroom.
Its common for couples to wonder how normal their sex life is and compare it with their friends and people they know to see if there are any differences. The problem is that there is no single definition of what a normal sex life actually is and each person will have their own opinion about it. What one person thinks is normal may not be for someone else.
With so many different cultural and religious beliefs in today's society, its impossible to define exactly what a normal sex life actually is. Couples may even disagree with each other about what a normal sexual relationship should be so its important to find a compromise that will meet each other's needs.
While the average married couple may have intercourse several times per week, it doesn't mean that this is a normal sex life that all couples should strive to achieve. Some couples may only have intercourse once per week or every few weeks, while other couples may have intercourse as many as twenty times or more per week.
A fulfilling sexual relationship should be whatever makes you happy, so it doesn't matter about the frequency and performance, as long as both you and your partner are satisfied. No matter how many times you have intercourse per week, its within the range of normal human experience and should not be considered abnormal.
We all have our own sexual fantasies and desires, but as long as they don't lead to emotional or physical discomfort they should not be a cause for concern. Achieving harmony in a relationship, both emotionally and physically, should be the first priority as this will lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying sex life between you and your partner.

How Couples Can Deal With Different Levels Of Sexual Desire: by Tristan Bailey

We all have different levels of interest in sex and our libido can fluctuate quite dramatically throughout our lifetime, especially as we get older. Couples who have small differences in sexual desire can manage the situation relatively easily, but problems can occur when the disparity is much larger.
When one person desires sex more often than their partner it can have a negative impact on a relationship, and if not dealt with, the situation can become intolerable. When there is a massive difference in the level of sexual desire between two people in a relationship it can be very hard to find a solution that will satisfy each other's needs.
The person who has a lower level of sexual desire will often feel pressured to do something that they don't feel like doing and over time this can lead to resentment and anger. As the situation gets worse they will start to lose interest in sex altogether and their level of sexual desire will decrease even further.
The person who has a higher level of sexual desire will often feel unloved, deprived, and desperate because they are not getting what they want and need from the relationship. As the situation gets worse they will start to want sex even more frequently and their level of sexual desire will increase even further.
This creates a vicious circle where one person's sexual desire increases while the other person loses all interest and this can result in the relationship becoming unbearable. But while this is a serious problem, it can be resolved if both parties are willing to make an effort to accommodate for each other's differences.
Its a delicate balance between not pressuring one person to have sex when they don't want to, and making sure the other person's sexual needs are being met adequately. If this problem has existed for a long time during a relationship the situation may have become so bad that the help of a therapist may be required to try and resolve it.
To solve this problem, the person with the lower level of sexual desire must be willing to provide sexual satisfaction to their partner in ways that don't involve intercourse. As well as not being forced to have intercourse when they are not aroused, they may also gain pleasure from pleasing their partner.
Doing this will reduce the pressure for more frequent sex from the person with a higher level of sexual desire and they will regain the feeling that their partner cares about their needs. The other person may also experience an increased level of sexual desire because they are not being forced to have intercourse and there is less strain on the relationship.