by Ray Bruce, Ph.D.
Eric, 26, has just completed his Ph.D. in applied digital engineering. He's wondering what he's going to do now. Out of school and out of work, he's questioning his relationship and his life. His girl friend, Kim, has just had her best year ever as a stock broker with a major NYSE Member Firm. She says it doesn't matter who makes the most money. He's not so sure.
Next to penis size, questioning his ability to provide anadequate income is the surest way to create doubt for a man. A man who believes he's at risk with either is vulnerable on all fronts. Why are sexual prowess and income so important? Because they provide men with the most obvious symbols of identity. Externals seem to be everything in our MTV paced, consumer oriented culture. Sound bites don't give much time for more than a passing glance. If you have the right clothes, the right audio/video link, and the right job, you must be Mr. or Ms. right. If you don't, you're out. It's the external law of the jungle.
But things may be changing. Beyond income, what does work have to offer? Fortune Magazine in it's December 26, 1994 issue asks the question "Why do we work?" Their conclusion is scary for many men. Fortune reports that personal satisfaction seems to come in four ways:
achieving technical excellence
serving a purpose larger than the individual
being a part of a team
by finding what your spirit needs
Here's the rub. Of these four springboards to satisfaction, only technical excellence deals with externals, the other three address inside issues. How can men develop tools to compete on the "insidetrack?" One place to begin is to develop a personal mission statement.
Stephen Covey in his best selling book, Seven Basic Habits of Highly Effective People says, "You see, once you can decide what you are about and what you treasure, what you value, you've automatically got guidelines. You've developed the criteria for making all of the decisions in your life."
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
IS LOVE ENOUGH?
by Susan Sprecher, Ph.D.
American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too.
"Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up," according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. "Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other."
Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period.
By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged.
"These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love," said Dr. Sprecher, "but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing." She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends.
Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another.
American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too.
"Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up," according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. "Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other."
Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period.
By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged.
"These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love," said Dr. Sprecher, "but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing." She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends.
Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another.
What About Romance?
Romance and love at first sight are integral to our fantasies about mate selection. We love to hear stories about how people fall in love. We love the notion of two people gazing across a crowded room, eyes meeting, and love is in bloom. More often than not these people are in lust, not love. But this is not to say it cannot happen. However, it is unlikely.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connection that binds us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. An intentional strategy for mate selection can increase the odds of this happening.
Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house." First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, four bedrooms, large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc. We establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be spending a lot of time and money in this house. We want to insure, as best possible, that we will be happy in it. (Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and hope we get lucky.)
Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we are collecting information and fine tuning our choices.
Finally, one day, we step out of the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many hours, months, years, looking, searching, and refining before the "dream house." A similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connection that binds us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. An intentional strategy for mate selection can increase the odds of this happening.
Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house." First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, four bedrooms, large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc. We establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be spending a lot of time and money in this house. We want to insure, as best possible, that we will be happy in it. (Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and hope we get lucky.)
Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we are collecting information and fine tuning our choices.
Finally, one day, we step out of the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many hours, months, years, looking, searching, and refining before the "dream house." A similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not.
PRICELESS GIFTS
by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.
The season is here once again. No matter what holiday, if any, you celebrate, no matter what you believe, you're being bombarded with exhortations to celebrate, to love, to buy and to give. The airwaves are filled with stories about miracles and family gatherings that may be more fantasy than reality. Here are some suggestions for nonmaterial gifts that capture the spirit of the season.
Give yourself the gift of realistic expectations. So many of us understand others are human and imperfect, but forget the same is true for ourselves. Forgive yourself for being human, and for having limited time, energy, and resources. Remember that gifts do not have to be homemade or extravagant to be loving and important.
Give the gift of time.
Offer to babysit for someone with small children. Go to lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a long time. Plan a special evening with your lover. Take time for yourself.
Give the gift of life.
If you haven't done it already, fill out an organ donor card and carry it in your wallet.
Give the gift of unusual sights and sounds.
The world is filled with them, and many are free or inexpensive. Take someone special on a tour. There are lights and decorations everywhere, free concerts at shopping malls, free days at the zoo.
Give the gift of laughter.
There's plenty of pain and suffering in the world, and laughter helps us cope. Go frolic on a playground, listen to a child tell silly jokes, take someone to a funny movie. Laughter isn't just for kids.
Give the gift of an open mind.
Listen carefully to someone who disagrees with you. Watch a television show you've never seen. Listen to the words of a song you've always ignored.
Give the gift of love.
Tell the important people in your life how much they mean to you. I've never heard anyone express regret for having said "I love you" too often.
With best wishes for the holiday season,
The season is here once again. No matter what holiday, if any, you celebrate, no matter what you believe, you're being bombarded with exhortations to celebrate, to love, to buy and to give. The airwaves are filled with stories about miracles and family gatherings that may be more fantasy than reality. Here are some suggestions for nonmaterial gifts that capture the spirit of the season.
Give yourself the gift of realistic expectations. So many of us understand others are human and imperfect, but forget the same is true for ourselves. Forgive yourself for being human, and for having limited time, energy, and resources. Remember that gifts do not have to be homemade or extravagant to be loving and important.
Give the gift of time.
Offer to babysit for someone with small children. Go to lunch with a friend you haven't seen in a long time. Plan a special evening with your lover. Take time for yourself.
Give the gift of life.
If you haven't done it already, fill out an organ donor card and carry it in your wallet.
Give the gift of unusual sights and sounds.
The world is filled with them, and many are free or inexpensive. Take someone special on a tour. There are lights and decorations everywhere, free concerts at shopping malls, free days at the zoo.
Give the gift of laughter.
There's plenty of pain and suffering in the world, and laughter helps us cope. Go frolic on a playground, listen to a child tell silly jokes, take someone to a funny movie. Laughter isn't just for kids.
Give the gift of an open mind.
Listen carefully to someone who disagrees with you. Watch a television show you've never seen. Listen to the words of a song you've always ignored.
Give the gift of love.
Tell the important people in your life how much they mean to you. I've never heard anyone express regret for having said "I love you" too often.
With best wishes for the holiday season,
Cybersex - The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
I have two experiences with net relationships that I'd like to share. The first was most of our worst nightmare... began online, moved to the phone..when I began feeling uncomfortable in the relationship ( a lot of what he'd told me hadn't added up) and tried to break it off.. things started getting ugly.
I didn't hear from him in a few weeks, and just as I began to feel that things were getting back to normal.. he called to tell me he had cancer. Being an investor (or so he said) he told me he had set up a portfolio in my name that I would get when/if he passed away. I told him I thought he was joking, that he couldn't possibly have done something like that without my social security number.
A chill went up my spine when he recited my social security number to me. I hung up the phone and debated calling the police. About a week later, he called me at work. (I'm an air-personality at a radio station) he called me while I was on the air, knowing full well that way he wouldn't have to get a receptionist who he knew would never put him thru to me. He told me he "knew" I was in love with him.. that he could hear it in my voice.
I asked him how that was possible, since he was hundreds of miles away. He turned up his radio.. and it was my station!! He was somewhere in MY TOWN! I refused his request to see him, hung up and called the police. He knows that the next time he contacts me could mean his arrest. This was about a year ago, and I still have nightmares.. I still feel that he is lurking. I've since changed jobs and location, but still am affraid.
You would think that would scare me off my computer forever.. and it certainly HAS scared me away from chat rooms. However.. around the same time that this was happening, I sent an email to a collegue of mine.. or at least, I thought I was sending him mail. It would up being a wrong number (similar screen name.. on aol).
The person who recieved my mail eventually became a dear friend.. he now has a strong presence in my life.. as far away as he is..we have been able to maintain a deep respectful friendship.. and we both know its limits. So, there you have it.. the bad, the ugly and the good, of online relationships.
I didn't hear from him in a few weeks, and just as I began to feel that things were getting back to normal.. he called to tell me he had cancer. Being an investor (or so he said) he told me he had set up a portfolio in my name that I would get when/if he passed away. I told him I thought he was joking, that he couldn't possibly have done something like that without my social security number.
A chill went up my spine when he recited my social security number to me. I hung up the phone and debated calling the police. About a week later, he called me at work. (I'm an air-personality at a radio station) he called me while I was on the air, knowing full well that way he wouldn't have to get a receptionist who he knew would never put him thru to me. He told me he "knew" I was in love with him.. that he could hear it in my voice.
I asked him how that was possible, since he was hundreds of miles away. He turned up his radio.. and it was my station!! He was somewhere in MY TOWN! I refused his request to see him, hung up and called the police. He knows that the next time he contacts me could mean his arrest. This was about a year ago, and I still have nightmares.. I still feel that he is lurking. I've since changed jobs and location, but still am affraid.
You would think that would scare me off my computer forever.. and it certainly HAS scared me away from chat rooms. However.. around the same time that this was happening, I sent an email to a collegue of mine.. or at least, I thought I was sending him mail. It would up being a wrong number (similar screen name.. on aol).
The person who recieved my mail eventually became a dear friend.. he now has a strong presence in my life.. as far away as he is..we have been able to maintain a deep respectful friendship.. and we both know its limits. So, there you have it.. the bad, the ugly and the good, of online relationships.
FALLING IN AND OUT OF LOVE WITH ABUSIVE MEN
If your partner began your relationship as Prince Charming but now seems more like Jeckyll and Hyde then read on.
Maybe they just "clicked" when they first laid eyes on each other, ignoring everyone else at the party for the remainder of the evening. Maybe after their first date she went home on the highest of natural highs. Maybe they knew "everything" about each other in the first two weeks. Maybe the way he showed up everyday made her feel special, rather than waiting five days to see if he would call again. Maybe he told her he loved her after 3 weeks. Maybe she believed him. Maybe she so wanted to believe it was true that she told that gut feeling of "a bit premature isn't it?" to take a hike.
However it began, before long they were inseparable and she was the envy of all her friends, but somehow a few months later she had less friends than the una bomber. Sounding familiar at all? then ask yourself if any of the following scenarios ring a bell, because if they do, it's a warning bell that the honeymoon is over:
He shows up just as you're about to leave on a girls' night out and says if you go then he's breaking up with you.
You get dressed up to see him and he wonders aloud who are you dressing to impress after you see him.
You say hello to a man on the apartment block you live in and later he gives you the third degree over who this man is.
He decides he has a problem with the image you had when you met, suggesting a longer skirt, natural hair color.
He says you have to choose between remaining friends with male friends from when you were a kid and going out with him.
He beats your door down at 3 in the morning calling you a list of obscenities.
He is the sweetest and most apologetic guy you have ever known the next day. Every time. It was the old Jack Daniels he says. How can you resist that smile? He loves you.
He confides in you about past violence but still justifies it.
If you say you're leaving him, he says he'll kill himself.
He seems so convinced that it is you who is not treating him right that after a while you start to wonder if he's right.
You never know when something seemingly harmless you say may trigger his suspicion or anger.
You find yourself adjusting your life, censoring your recounting of experiences to try to offset the arguments. It doesn't work.
The way he shows up everyday is not exactly making you feel special anymore.
How many changes have you made for him versus how many has he made for you?
Ever thought to yourself, why don't those women whose partners abuse them just leave? People can stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of emotional manipulation, especially emotional blackmail. These are things most people can identify with as having experienced in some form or another. In the above case the behavior changes in him started gradually, subtly and only after she was convinced he was Mr. Right.
So she set a date, did not let him know her plans, and decided that if he hasn't changed by then he never will. She used the time preceding that date to prepare herself for the fact that love just isn't enough.
Maybe they just "clicked" when they first laid eyes on each other, ignoring everyone else at the party for the remainder of the evening. Maybe after their first date she went home on the highest of natural highs. Maybe they knew "everything" about each other in the first two weeks. Maybe the way he showed up everyday made her feel special, rather than waiting five days to see if he would call again. Maybe he told her he loved her after 3 weeks. Maybe she believed him. Maybe she so wanted to believe it was true that she told that gut feeling of "a bit premature isn't it?" to take a hike.
However it began, before long they were inseparable and she was the envy of all her friends, but somehow a few months later she had less friends than the una bomber. Sounding familiar at all? then ask yourself if any of the following scenarios ring a bell, because if they do, it's a warning bell that the honeymoon is over:
He shows up just as you're about to leave on a girls' night out and says if you go then he's breaking up with you.
You get dressed up to see him and he wonders aloud who are you dressing to impress after you see him.
You say hello to a man on the apartment block you live in and later he gives you the third degree over who this man is.
He decides he has a problem with the image you had when you met, suggesting a longer skirt, natural hair color.
He says you have to choose between remaining friends with male friends from when you were a kid and going out with him.
He beats your door down at 3 in the morning calling you a list of obscenities.
He is the sweetest and most apologetic guy you have ever known the next day. Every time. It was the old Jack Daniels he says. How can you resist that smile? He loves you.
He confides in you about past violence but still justifies it.
If you say you're leaving him, he says he'll kill himself.
He seems so convinced that it is you who is not treating him right that after a while you start to wonder if he's right.
You never know when something seemingly harmless you say may trigger his suspicion or anger.
You find yourself adjusting your life, censoring your recounting of experiences to try to offset the arguments. It doesn't work.
The way he shows up everyday is not exactly making you feel special anymore.
How many changes have you made for him versus how many has he made for you?
Ever thought to yourself, why don't those women whose partners abuse them just leave? People can stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships because of emotional manipulation, especially emotional blackmail. These are things most people can identify with as having experienced in some form or another. In the above case the behavior changes in him started gradually, subtly and only after she was convinced he was Mr. Right.
So she set a date, did not let him know her plans, and decided that if he hasn't changed by then he never will. She used the time preceding that date to prepare herself for the fact that love just isn't enough.
OLDER WOMEN TALK ABOUT SEX
by Beverly Johnson, Ph.D. RN
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How did these older women describe themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.
These are the words of an 83-year-old widow: "Physical satisfaction is not the only aim of sex...it is the nearness of someone throughout the lonely nights of people in their 70s and 80s. We need someone to hold, hug and confide in."
A married woman age 57 said: "I believe sex is a wonderful outlet for love and physical health. It's worth trying to keep alive in advancing age... it makes one feel youthful and close to one's mate."
A different story is told by a married 64-year-old woman: "Now that I approach retiring age, seems I am constantly compared by my spouse to other younger and attractive women... I have always been affectionate and supportive... I feel undesired."
These are a few of the words of more than 600 women age 50 and older who participated in a survey of women on sexuality and aging.
When I was an assistant professor of nursing at the University of Vermont, I invited readers of AARP's "Modern Maturity" who were age 50 and older to participate in my study of older adults' sexuality. I asked the readers to complete surveys on such topics as health, sense of self worth, intimate relationships, and attitudes. To encourage the participants to be as open and honest as possible, I asked them not to sign their names to the questionnaires.
I also invited the participants to describe their degree of interest, participation and satisfaction for a variety of sexual activities such as sitting and holding hands to reading or looking at erotic materials to saying, "I love (or like) you" to more physically intimate activities such as kissing, hugging, intercourse, masturbation and oral sex. I wanted to explore sexuality in older adults from a broad perspective and not just equate sexuality with sex or sexual behaviors.
Studies looking at sexuality in this age group are especially significant as society has often seen older adults as sexually uninterested, uninteresting and incapable. An earlier study of contemporary adult sexual behavior by University of Chicago researchers only included adults between the ages of 18 and 59. The researchers used this upper age limit since they found previous research had shown both the amount and variety of sexual behaviors declined with age. Financial constraints of the study also led them to reduce the upper age limit from age 65 to age 59.
My study, then, intentionally examined women older ranges, and included items to provide a view of older female sexuality, beyond frequency and type of sexual behaviors. I also sought to include other aspects of oneself, such as self-esteem and intimacy.
How did these older women describe themselves?
Nearly one-half of the women were married, while one-third were widowed. Three quarters of the women were satisfied with their lives in general. Their health status reports indicated that 40 percent had had a hysterectomy, while their most common health problems were arthritis and high blood pressure. Eighty five percent of the women described their health as good.
I also found that women saw themselves from a positive self view and as participants in intimate relationships (41 percent described their spouse as the person to whom they were most close while 33 percent said such a person was a friend). For example, 90 percent of the women reported, "I feel I have a number of good qualities," and "I take a positive attitude toward myself." Half of the women said their closest relationship provided sexual satisfaction while over 80 percent described their intimate partner as physically attractive, and both partners had a strong emotional attraction for each other.
Women also described themselves as knowledgeable about sexuality and aging and liberal in their sexual attitudes. They knew physical changes in sexual function were associated with aging and 85 percent said older adults continue their sexual interest and activity well into old age if they are healthy. Furthermore, 90 percent believed sex was not just for the young, that late life romances are good, that and sexuality continues throughout life.
In this study women described their sexual interest, participation, and satisfaction in various sexual activities:
At least 50 percent reported being very interested, active in, and satisfied with activities such as sitting next to someone and talking, making oneself more attractive, hearing or saying "I love (or like) you," kissing, hugging, and caressing.
Two-thirds of the women said they were "very interested" in sexual intercourse.
Fifty percent or less said they participated "very often" in sexual intercourse.
Sexual activities for which one-third of the women or less expressed being, "very interested, active in, and satisfied with" included talking about sexuality, reading or watching erotic materials, daydreaming about sex, masturbation and oral sex.
Compared to their younger years, only 35 percent of the women said their present sexual interest had decreased.
Fifty-six percent of the women said their sexual participation had decreased
Thirty-eight percent said overall sexual satisfaction had decreased. These facets of sexual behaviors do continue for this group of older women!
For this group of older women, I concluded that greater levels of sexual interest, participation and, greater levels of satisfaction characterized those women who saw themselves in a positive light, had intimate relationships and had liberal sexual attitudes. Although the results of this study can't be generalized to the population of older U.S. women because the women had volunteered to participate rather than being randomly selected, the results do describe a view of positive and continuing sexuality of community-based older women.
Good Sex is Good for You!
"Life without love is like a coconut in which the milk is dried up." Henry David Thoreau
"Good sex....Improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity."
Scientific evidence is accumulating support what many of us have suspected all along: good sex not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, but it also actually improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity.
In a new book called Sexual Healing, Dr. Paul Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes that the joys and pleasures of living life and loving may provide us with something called an "intimacy inoculation" that actually protects us from disease.
Dr. Pearsall, who cites numerous other researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of physicians now recognize that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet, and exercise, but also --to a large extent-- on the social and emotional health of the individual."
Sexual healing is achieved primarily through the daily challenge of maintaining a close, intimate relationship which, when accomplished, leads to balance between our health and healing systems.
Can lack of sexual intimacy create a risk factor for certain diseases? Dr. Pearsall cites research and his own clinical experience ndicating that sexual dissatisfaction seems to be prevalent prior to a heart attack in a high percentage of persons. Conversely, sexual contentment appears related to less severe migraine headaches, fewer and less-severe symptoms of premenstrual syndrome for women, and a reduction in symptoms related to chronic arthritis for both genders.
Although the exact biological mechanisms are not yet identified, many researchers are investigating how our thoughts, feelings, brain, immune system and sexual/genital system interact, influence each other, and affect our health. There may be an actual biological drive toward closeness, intimacy, and being connected to other human beings.
When we experience intimate, mutually caring sexual intimacy, we may experience a measurable change in neurochemicals and hormones that pour through the body and help promote health and healing.
"Hormones that pour through the body help promote health and healing."
Does this mean that to live longer or be more healthy we just need to DO IT more often or better? Of course not! Sex is a much broader concept that genital connecting or having an orgasm. Psychologist and author Gina Ogden, Ph.D. notes in her book, "Women Who Love Sex", that sex has everything to do with openness, connection to and bonding with a partner, feelings about what is happening to us, and memories. For those who love it, sex permeates their lives and is not merely a specialized, time-intensive, physical activity that takes place under the covers--as quickly as possible.
As a result of interviewing many women, Dr. Ogden learned that sexual desire, or lust, was produced by much more than physical stimulation. For women, according to Dr.Ogden, it has more to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships: "Heart to heart, soul to soul, even mind to mind."
"For women, it has to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships."
When discussing sexual connecting, Dr. Ogden's interviewees spoke of a FLOWING CONTINUUM OF PLEASURE, ORGASM, AND ECSTASY, rather than a one-time experience. They also described peak sexual experiences as coming from stimulation all over their bodies--not just from their genitals--including fingers, toes, hips, lips, neck, and earlobes.
Obviously, arousal and satisfaction evolve not only from receiving sexual energy, but also from the joy of stimulating one's partner. Sex, then, is a commitment of give and take.
Finally, the women Dr. Ogden studied have their own concepts of safe sex, essential to experiencing sexual pleasure and ecstasy. This kind of safe sex does NOT relate to preventing STDs or pregnancy; it relates, instead, to emotional and spiritual safety. Such safety is CRUCIAL for sexual closeness. Most of the women insisted that warm, loving connections with themselves and with their partners were essential to and inseparable from the experience of sexual ecstasy.
When people feel deeply close while merely holding hands, they are having sex. When people display caring for each other through hugs, caresses, and kissing, they are also having sex. When connecting people in a crowded room wink at each other in their own secret way, they are communicating sex to each other; such non-contact sex can be excitedly arousing and emotionally fulfilling. And, of course, during sexual union when the sky seems to open so a lightning bolt can strike the couple--while fireworks ignite and the earth stops spinning-- this is sex, too.
But wait. Do men also need this almost spiritual connection to enjoy sex and achieve good health? Well, yes and no. Men need sex and men need emotional connection, but many men don't necessarily need to put the two together!
According to Dr. Bernie Zilbergelt, who wrote The New Male Sexuality, sex for women is intertwined with personal connection. For some men , sex is unto itself--an act to be engaged in with or without love, with or without commitment, with or without connection.
Presently, younger boys are being socialized in a more enlightened manner; consequently, male attitudes toward sexual union are changing. But,unfortunately, the socialization of many men born in or before the 60's provided very little information of value to the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships. These men were taught, as youths, that males showed love by doing, not by talking or "connecting" with girls.
"Fortunately, anyone can...restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow."
Older men were usually also socialized to be strong and self-reliant, which usually means one doesn't easily talk about or admit personal problems. Many such men do not acknowledge worries and fears to their partners; they simply try to handle everything on their own.
A consequence of such reticence is (1) lack of intimacy in the relationship, with the wife feeling "left out" of her husband's life; and (2) men often don't get what they need because they don't know how to ask for it, so they feel distanced and frustrated when they really want closeness and intimacy as much as their partner does.
Sex under these conditions creates distance in the relationship or creates sexual dysfunction which drives an even deeper wedge into the relationship. This is especially true if a man is married to a woman must be wanted by her husband to have her sexuality validated.
Consequently, sex routinely becomes mechanical, unfeeling, and unfulfilling. Fortunately, anyone can break this vicious cycle and restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow in the relationship.
"Good sex....Improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity."
Scientific evidence is accumulating support what many of us have suspected all along: good sex not only adds great enjoyment to our lives, but it also actually improves our health and may even contribute to our longevity.
In a new book called Sexual Healing, Dr. Paul Pearsall, Director of Behavioral Medicine at Detroit's Beaumont Hospital, writes that the joys and pleasures of living life and loving may provide us with something called an "intimacy inoculation" that actually protects us from disease.
Dr. Pearsall, who cites numerous other researchers, concludes, "Growing numbers of physicians now recognize that the health of the human heart depends not only on such factors as genetics, diet, and exercise, but also --to a large extent-- on the social and emotional health of the individual."
Sexual healing is achieved primarily through the daily challenge of maintaining a close, intimate relationship which, when accomplished, leads to balance between our health and healing systems.
Can lack of sexual intimacy create a risk factor for certain diseases? Dr. Pearsall cites research and his own clinical experience ndicating that sexual dissatisfaction seems to be prevalent prior to a heart attack in a high percentage of persons. Conversely, sexual contentment appears related to less severe migraine headaches, fewer and less-severe symptoms of premenstrual syndrome for women, and a reduction in symptoms related to chronic arthritis for both genders.
Although the exact biological mechanisms are not yet identified, many researchers are investigating how our thoughts, feelings, brain, immune system and sexual/genital system interact, influence each other, and affect our health. There may be an actual biological drive toward closeness, intimacy, and being connected to other human beings.
When we experience intimate, mutually caring sexual intimacy, we may experience a measurable change in neurochemicals and hormones that pour through the body and help promote health and healing.
"Hormones that pour through the body help promote health and healing."
Does this mean that to live longer or be more healthy we just need to DO IT more often or better? Of course not! Sex is a much broader concept that genital connecting or having an orgasm. Psychologist and author Gina Ogden, Ph.D. notes in her book, "Women Who Love Sex", that sex has everything to do with openness, connection to and bonding with a partner, feelings about what is happening to us, and memories. For those who love it, sex permeates their lives and is not merely a specialized, time-intensive, physical activity that takes place under the covers--as quickly as possible.
As a result of interviewing many women, Dr. Ogden learned that sexual desire, or lust, was produced by much more than physical stimulation. For women, according to Dr.Ogden, it has more to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships: "Heart to heart, soul to soul, even mind to mind."
"For women, it has to do with feelings of connectedness in their relationships."
When discussing sexual connecting, Dr. Ogden's interviewees spoke of a FLOWING CONTINUUM OF PLEASURE, ORGASM, AND ECSTASY, rather than a one-time experience. They also described peak sexual experiences as coming from stimulation all over their bodies--not just from their genitals--including fingers, toes, hips, lips, neck, and earlobes.
Obviously, arousal and satisfaction evolve not only from receiving sexual energy, but also from the joy of stimulating one's partner. Sex, then, is a commitment of give and take.
Finally, the women Dr. Ogden studied have their own concepts of safe sex, essential to experiencing sexual pleasure and ecstasy. This kind of safe sex does NOT relate to preventing STDs or pregnancy; it relates, instead, to emotional and spiritual safety. Such safety is CRUCIAL for sexual closeness. Most of the women insisted that warm, loving connections with themselves and with their partners were essential to and inseparable from the experience of sexual ecstasy.
When people feel deeply close while merely holding hands, they are having sex. When people display caring for each other through hugs, caresses, and kissing, they are also having sex. When connecting people in a crowded room wink at each other in their own secret way, they are communicating sex to each other; such non-contact sex can be excitedly arousing and emotionally fulfilling. And, of course, during sexual union when the sky seems to open so a lightning bolt can strike the couple--while fireworks ignite and the earth stops spinning-- this is sex, too.
But wait. Do men also need this almost spiritual connection to enjoy sex and achieve good health? Well, yes and no. Men need sex and men need emotional connection, but many men don't necessarily need to put the two together!
According to Dr. Bernie Zilbergelt, who wrote The New Male Sexuality, sex for women is intertwined with personal connection. For some men , sex is unto itself--an act to be engaged in with or without love, with or without commitment, with or without connection.
Presently, younger boys are being socialized in a more enlightened manner; consequently, male attitudes toward sexual union are changing. But,unfortunately, the socialization of many men born in or before the 60's provided very little information of value to the formation and maintenance of intimate relationships. These men were taught, as youths, that males showed love by doing, not by talking or "connecting" with girls.
"Fortunately, anyone can...restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow."
Older men were usually also socialized to be strong and self-reliant, which usually means one doesn't easily talk about or admit personal problems. Many such men do not acknowledge worries and fears to their partners; they simply try to handle everything on their own.
A consequence of such reticence is (1) lack of intimacy in the relationship, with the wife feeling "left out" of her husband's life; and (2) men often don't get what they need because they don't know how to ask for it, so they feel distanced and frustrated when they really want closeness and intimacy as much as their partner does.
Sex under these conditions creates distance in the relationship or creates sexual dysfunction which drives an even deeper wedge into the relationship. This is especially true if a man is married to a woman must be wanted by her husband to have her sexuality validated.
Consequently, sex routinely becomes mechanical, unfeeling, and unfulfilling. Fortunately, anyone can break this vicious cycle and restore closeness, intimacy, and sexual flow in the relationship.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
How To Deal With A Break-up
Does a break-up in your relationship look imminent? Is a divorce as the sordid end to your marriage only a matter of time, or so it seems? Is your partner rejecting you?
If your answer to either of the above questions was "yes", there might have been times when the situation appeared beyond repair, or you might in fact be finding yourself "checkmated by destiny", or so to say.
Well, what you've got to remember is that it's never all that bad; it's all in the mind. And however bad the position may be, there's always a way out! In fact, you could win your ex-lover back, be together with him again and letting pleasant memories be what they are- pleasant! And it's not like all this is next to impossible, for many have been there before and done that- girls have got their ex-lovers back and boys have recaptured lost love.
And they weren't necessarily coached into it by psychologists or counselors. In fact, it won't be an exaggeration to say that many of them made it by sheer accident. Maybe as a matter of chance, they did the right kinds of things, said what was appropriate, at the right time. Others had "almost" ruined their relationship to a point of no return and the pendulum could have swung either way.
To reiterate a point, all is never lost. There's always a ray of hope which you can build on. And why just a ray of hope, you could be learning from those who have been successful, follow some well-meaning advice and get your ex-lovers back into your arms! It sure isn't easy dealing with a break-up, but it isn't very difficult either!
It may so happen that you keep mulling over what went wrong in the relationship, and how you could have averted the "inevitable" in the relationship. The more you analyze, the more the pain and the hurt reveal themselves to you. And then, when you bump into your ex-lover, you might start it all over again with him or her- both of you might break out into an argument, and the roller-coaster ride may get back to square one, maybe even what might seem like a dark alley.
Why did the split happen? Men and women, both have specific needs, and if these don't get fulfilled, the relationship might be on the rocks. So instead of trying to make your partner see things from your standpoint, just make her realize that he or she still needs you. And you don't have to memorize big speeches and rattle them off in order to salvage the situation!
You need not plead before your ex-lover to take you back into his/her arms. In fact, that would only make the situation worse, for nobody wants miserable losers, and that may lead to a loss of self-esteem on your part. Following a plan might do you and your cause a world of good.
If your answer to either of the above questions was "yes", there might have been times when the situation appeared beyond repair, or you might in fact be finding yourself "checkmated by destiny", or so to say.
Well, what you've got to remember is that it's never all that bad; it's all in the mind. And however bad the position may be, there's always a way out! In fact, you could win your ex-lover back, be together with him again and letting pleasant memories be what they are- pleasant! And it's not like all this is next to impossible, for many have been there before and done that- girls have got their ex-lovers back and boys have recaptured lost love.
And they weren't necessarily coached into it by psychologists or counselors. In fact, it won't be an exaggeration to say that many of them made it by sheer accident. Maybe as a matter of chance, they did the right kinds of things, said what was appropriate, at the right time. Others had "almost" ruined their relationship to a point of no return and the pendulum could have swung either way.
To reiterate a point, all is never lost. There's always a ray of hope which you can build on. And why just a ray of hope, you could be learning from those who have been successful, follow some well-meaning advice and get your ex-lovers back into your arms! It sure isn't easy dealing with a break-up, but it isn't very difficult either!
It may so happen that you keep mulling over what went wrong in the relationship, and how you could have averted the "inevitable" in the relationship. The more you analyze, the more the pain and the hurt reveal themselves to you. And then, when you bump into your ex-lover, you might start it all over again with him or her- both of you might break out into an argument, and the roller-coaster ride may get back to square one, maybe even what might seem like a dark alley.
Why did the split happen? Men and women, both have specific needs, and if these don't get fulfilled, the relationship might be on the rocks. So instead of trying to make your partner see things from your standpoint, just make her realize that he or she still needs you. And you don't have to memorize big speeches and rattle them off in order to salvage the situation!
You need not plead before your ex-lover to take you back into his/her arms. In fact, that would only make the situation worse, for nobody wants miserable losers, and that may lead to a loss of self-esteem on your part. Following a plan might do you and your cause a world of good.
About to rock: The Jonas Bros open up on love, life and their biggest year yet
The Jonas Brothers have lots of stories to tell. And it's no wonder, given their rise to fame.
"There have been many moments where we've had to just sit back and say, 'Wow,'" says Nick. "One of those moments was the Texas State Fair right before we went on tour with Miley [Ray Cyrus]--50,000 people showed up to see us play. And in our New Jersey hometown, we played a sold-out concert in the same arena where we always went to see our favorite bands. It was an incredible feeling."
In just one year, the trio rose from being a (mostly) overlooked opening act with a modest debut CD to chart-topping superstars.
And add to that their about-to-explode acting career that launches with this summer's most-anticipated TV movie (Disney Channel's Camp Rock, premiering June 20) and their TV series (J.O.N.A.S. alia "Junior Operatives Networking as Spies," starting production in September for a winter debut on the Disney Channel). Somehow during all that, they managed to write and record their third CD for release August 12. And did we mention their "Burning Up" summer tour?
"So far things have been lining up perfectly, and we never, ever want to take for granted all these great blessings that are happening," says Joe, who loved portraying an ungrateful band diva, Shane Gray, in Camp Rock. "My character is kind of a jerk who is sent back to summer camp to learn his lesson."
SUMMER OF LOVE
Chatting about Camp Rock gets the guys feeling nostalgic about their own camp memories, including a common highlight: summer crushes found among the sleeping bags and insect repellent.
"Summer romances are good," Joe smiles. "We all went to camp a lot, and one of the best things about it was that we would always meet girls there."
So when it comes to meeting girls, what makes their hearts skip a beat?
"For me, it's when a girl has confidence," Nick says immediately. "And it always touches me when a girl is encouraging--it really makes you feel she honestly cares about you."
Kevin likes "a girl who's laid-back and makes me laugh." And Joe? "I love a natural beauty with a cool sense of style who stands out a little because she's happy being who she is."
Not surprisingly, girls have done some pretty crazy things to try to get their attention.
"Once, a girl jumped in front of our car ... while we were driving it," Nick shakes his head.
"That was interesting," Joe deadpans, then reminds Nick and Kevin about the girl who gave them a dead shark. "No idea why." And then there was the gooey, dripping mail delivery. A super fan wanted to share her birthday with Joe, so she mailed him a slice of cake. Ice cream cake. "That was just too weird!"
So, then, how do girls really get their attention? "Hey," Nick quotes, imitating a super-quiet girl voice. "What's up?" He laughs then finds his real voice again. "Girls don't need to say much to get my full attention."
That's also true for oldest bro Kevin (who has crushes on both Hayden Panettiere and Brenda Song) and family-clown Joe (whose idea of the perfect girl is Natalie Portman).
"One time this girl said to me, 'I got my library card right here 'cause I'm checking you out!'" says Joe in his sassiest tone. "That was pretty good because I couldn't help but laugh, and it started a conversation."
And the Jonas Brothers can dish it out, too. "Nick had the best line that I can remember," says Joe.
"Oh, yeah," admits Nick. "On one date, the girl said to me, 'I don't kiss on the first date.' So I said, 'I don't follow the rules.'" The brothers high-five to that one. "Ooooh!" Nick celebrates. "It was so good!"
Don't get them wrong, though: The Jonas Brothers play the game of love as fairly as possible and have their own gentleman's rules of conduct. Commandment No. 1: Thou shalt not make moves on thy brother's squeeze.
Oops. Joe has already gotten in trouble for that one.
"When he flirts with a girl that one of his brothers is into, it's a problem," Nick points the finger.
***Continued from special section
Joe has a reputation for being the trio's biggest flirt, so is he guilty as charged? "Yes," he confesses. "And I've been pummeled for it. It happened once when I started flirting with a girl that Nick liked and I had no idea. He was like, 'Dude. Lay off.'"
LIFE ON THE ROAD
But relaxing by the pool and chatting up girls on the beach will be taking a backseat this summer. "No beach paradise for us," says Kevin. "We'll be on tour with Avril Lavigne all over Europe 'til June, then we'll be waking up :on a tour bus every day." The U.S. leg of their tour (running from early July to the end of August) sold out instantly.
So is life on the road tough? Says Nick, "It's not exactly summer vacation, but going on tour is really cool. All summer long we'll get to play cool venues. It's going to be incredible."
"There have been many moments where we've had to just sit back and say, 'Wow,'" says Nick. "One of those moments was the Texas State Fair right before we went on tour with Miley [Ray Cyrus]--50,000 people showed up to see us play. And in our New Jersey hometown, we played a sold-out concert in the same arena where we always went to see our favorite bands. It was an incredible feeling."
In just one year, the trio rose from being a (mostly) overlooked opening act with a modest debut CD to chart-topping superstars.
And add to that their about-to-explode acting career that launches with this summer's most-anticipated TV movie (Disney Channel's Camp Rock, premiering June 20) and their TV series (J.O.N.A.S. alia "Junior Operatives Networking as Spies," starting production in September for a winter debut on the Disney Channel). Somehow during all that, they managed to write and record their third CD for release August 12. And did we mention their "Burning Up" summer tour?
"So far things have been lining up perfectly, and we never, ever want to take for granted all these great blessings that are happening," says Joe, who loved portraying an ungrateful band diva, Shane Gray, in Camp Rock. "My character is kind of a jerk who is sent back to summer camp to learn his lesson."
SUMMER OF LOVE
Chatting about Camp Rock gets the guys feeling nostalgic about their own camp memories, including a common highlight: summer crushes found among the sleeping bags and insect repellent.
"Summer romances are good," Joe smiles. "We all went to camp a lot, and one of the best things about it was that we would always meet girls there."
So when it comes to meeting girls, what makes their hearts skip a beat?
"For me, it's when a girl has confidence," Nick says immediately. "And it always touches me when a girl is encouraging--it really makes you feel she honestly cares about you."
Kevin likes "a girl who's laid-back and makes me laugh." And Joe? "I love a natural beauty with a cool sense of style who stands out a little because she's happy being who she is."
Not surprisingly, girls have done some pretty crazy things to try to get their attention.
"Once, a girl jumped in front of our car ... while we were driving it," Nick shakes his head.
"That was interesting," Joe deadpans, then reminds Nick and Kevin about the girl who gave them a dead shark. "No idea why." And then there was the gooey, dripping mail delivery. A super fan wanted to share her birthday with Joe, so she mailed him a slice of cake. Ice cream cake. "That was just too weird!"
So, then, how do girls really get their attention? "Hey," Nick quotes, imitating a super-quiet girl voice. "What's up?" He laughs then finds his real voice again. "Girls don't need to say much to get my full attention."
That's also true for oldest bro Kevin (who has crushes on both Hayden Panettiere and Brenda Song) and family-clown Joe (whose idea of the perfect girl is Natalie Portman).
"One time this girl said to me, 'I got my library card right here 'cause I'm checking you out!'" says Joe in his sassiest tone. "That was pretty good because I couldn't help but laugh, and it started a conversation."
And the Jonas Brothers can dish it out, too. "Nick had the best line that I can remember," says Joe.
"Oh, yeah," admits Nick. "On one date, the girl said to me, 'I don't kiss on the first date.' So I said, 'I don't follow the rules.'" The brothers high-five to that one. "Ooooh!" Nick celebrates. "It was so good!"
Don't get them wrong, though: The Jonas Brothers play the game of love as fairly as possible and have their own gentleman's rules of conduct. Commandment No. 1: Thou shalt not make moves on thy brother's squeeze.
Oops. Joe has already gotten in trouble for that one.
"When he flirts with a girl that one of his brothers is into, it's a problem," Nick points the finger.
***Continued from special section
Joe has a reputation for being the trio's biggest flirt, so is he guilty as charged? "Yes," he confesses. "And I've been pummeled for it. It happened once when I started flirting with a girl that Nick liked and I had no idea. He was like, 'Dude. Lay off.'"
LIFE ON THE ROAD
But relaxing by the pool and chatting up girls on the beach will be taking a backseat this summer. "No beach paradise for us," says Kevin. "We'll be on tour with Avril Lavigne all over Europe 'til June, then we'll be waking up :on a tour bus every day." The U.S. leg of their tour (running from early July to the end of August) sold out instantly.
So is life on the road tough? Says Nick, "It's not exactly summer vacation, but going on tour is really cool. All summer long we'll get to play cool venues. It's going to be incredible."
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
How Couples Can Deal With Different Levels Of Sexual Desire: by Tristan Bailey
We all have different levels of interest in sex and our libido can fluctuate quite dramatically throughout our lifetime, especially as we get older. Couples who have small differences in sexual desire can manage the situation relatively easily, but problems can occur when the disparity is much larger.
When one person desires sex more often than their partner it can have a negative impact on a relationship, and if not dealt with, the situation can become intolerable. When there is a massive difference in the level of sexual desire between two people in a relationship it can be very hard to find a solution that will satisfy each other's needs.
The person who has a lower level of sexual desire will often feel pressured to do something that they don't feel like doing and over time this can lead to resentment and anger. As the situation gets worse they will start to lose interest in sex altogether and their level of sexual desire will decrease even further.
The person who has a higher level of sexual desire will often feel unloved, deprived, and desperate because they are not getting what they want and need from the relationship. As the situation gets worse they will start to want sex even more frequently and their level of sexual desire will increase even further.
This creates a vicious circle where one person's sexual desire increases while the other person loses all interest and this can result in the relationship becoming unbearable. But while this is a serious problem, it can be resolved if both parties are willing to make an effort to accommodate for each other's differences.
Its a delicate balance between not pressuring one person to have sex when they don't want to, and making sure the other person's sexual needs are being met adequately. If this problem has existed for a long time during a relationship the situation may have become so bad that the help of a therapist may be required to try and resolve it.
To solve this problem, the person with the lower level of sexual desire must be willing to provide sexual satisfaction to their partner in ways that don't involve intercourse. As well as not being forced to have intercourse when they are not aroused, they may also gain pleasure from pleasing their partner.
Doing this will reduce the pressure for more frequent sex from the person with a higher level of sexual desire and they will regain the feeling that their partner cares about their needs. The other person may also experience an increased level of sexual desire because they are not being forced to have intercourse and there is less strain on the relationship.
When one person desires sex more often than their partner it can have a negative impact on a relationship, and if not dealt with, the situation can become intolerable. When there is a massive difference in the level of sexual desire between two people in a relationship it can be very hard to find a solution that will satisfy each other's needs.
The person who has a lower level of sexual desire will often feel pressured to do something that they don't feel like doing and over time this can lead to resentment and anger. As the situation gets worse they will start to lose interest in sex altogether and their level of sexual desire will decrease even further.
The person who has a higher level of sexual desire will often feel unloved, deprived, and desperate because they are not getting what they want and need from the relationship. As the situation gets worse they will start to want sex even more frequently and their level of sexual desire will increase even further.
This creates a vicious circle where one person's sexual desire increases while the other person loses all interest and this can result in the relationship becoming unbearable. But while this is a serious problem, it can be resolved if both parties are willing to make an effort to accommodate for each other's differences.
Its a delicate balance between not pressuring one person to have sex when they don't want to, and making sure the other person's sexual needs are being met adequately. If this problem has existed for a long time during a relationship the situation may have become so bad that the help of a therapist may be required to try and resolve it.
To solve this problem, the person with the lower level of sexual desire must be willing to provide sexual satisfaction to their partner in ways that don't involve intercourse. As well as not being forced to have intercourse when they are not aroused, they may also gain pleasure from pleasing their partner.
Doing this will reduce the pressure for more frequent sex from the person with a higher level of sexual desire and they will regain the feeling that their partner cares about their needs. The other person may also experience an increased level of sexual desire because they are not being forced to have intercourse and there is less strain on the relationship.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
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