by Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D.
When Diana sat down with her friends at their college reunion, she heard all about their careers. One was a lawyer, one owned a business, one was a computer systems analyst. Diana left feeling frustrated and disillusioned. She chose to be a probation officer so she could help people. However, the problems she faces are overwhelming, and the rewards are few and far between.
If you work in one of the human services, you probably want to help people. That's a good reason for choosing the work you do, but it's not very specific. It's important to know what makes you want to come to work every day, especially for people in human services. We often get mixed messages from the world at large about the worth of what we do. Most of us have been told, "That must be so rewarding," or "you must have so much patience." Those comments usually mean "I don't understand why you want to work so hard for so little money," or "It must be so awful to spend your days with people who are down and out."
People who work as helpers need to be able to identify the nonmonetary rewards they get from their work. That's important because monetary rewards will always be in short supply. However, sometimes people in human services feel guilty about wanting to get self-satisfaction from their work.
Those guilty feelings are unfortunate because there's nothing wrong with wanting to like the work you do. There are many different ways to help, and some people are not equally well-suited for all of them. It makes sense to look for work that is both satisfying personally and helpful to others.
Every career has both advantages and disadvantages. Some of what you do will be rewarding, and some will be unpleasant. Each of us is unique in terms of what we find rewarding and how much reinforcement we need to feel self-satisfaction from our work. That's why it's important to know yourself well enough to pick a job that is a good fit.
One useful exercise is to make a two-column list. On one side, list all the rewards you get from your current work. On the other side, list all the disadvantages and drawbacks. Then ask yourself whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. When you do this, remember to be honest with yourself.
Remember it's okay to have selfish motives as well as unselfish ones, and it's okay to have fun while you work. It is also okay to have unselfish motives such as making people's lives a little easier. On the other hand, it is not okay to do human services because you think you should find it rewarding, or because you believe people will think you are a good person. Whatever you do, do it because you want to, not because someone else wants you to.
Remember, people who genuinely like their work and find it rewarding usually do a better job than people who do not like what they do.
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
INCOME AND PENIS SIZE:OVERCOMING MASCULINE DOUBTS
by Ray Bruce, Ph.D.
Eric, 26, has just completed his Ph.D. in applied digital engineering. He's wondering what he's going to do now. Out of school and out of work, he's questioning his relationship and his life. His girl friend, Kim, has just had her best year ever as a stock broker with a major NYSE Member Firm. She says it doesn't matter who makes the most money. He's not so sure.
Next to penis size, questioning his ability to provide anadequate income is the surest way to create doubt for a man. A man who believes he's at risk with either is vulnerable on all fronts. Why are sexual prowess and income so important? Because they provide men with the most obvious symbols of identity. Externals seem to be everything in our MTV paced, consumer oriented culture. Sound bites don't give much time for more than a passing glance. If you have the right clothes, the right audio/video link, and the right job, you must be Mr. or Ms. right. If you don't, you're out. It's the external law of the jungle.
But things may be changing. Beyond income, what does work have to offer? Fortune Magazine in it's December 26, 1994 issue asks the question "Why do we work?" Their conclusion is scary for many men. Fortune reports that personal satisfaction seems to come in four ways:
achieving technical excellence
serving a purpose larger than the individual
being a part of a team
by finding what your spirit needs
Here's the rub. Of these four springboards to satisfaction, only technical excellence deals with externals, the other three address inside issues. How can men develop tools to compete on the "insidetrack?" One place to begin is to develop a personal mission statement.
Stephen Covey in his best selling book, Seven Basic Habits of Highly Effective People says, "You see, once you can decide what you are about and what you treasure, what you value, you've automatically got guidelines. You've developed the criteria for making all of the decisions in your life."
Eric, 26, has just completed his Ph.D. in applied digital engineering. He's wondering what he's going to do now. Out of school and out of work, he's questioning his relationship and his life. His girl friend, Kim, has just had her best year ever as a stock broker with a major NYSE Member Firm. She says it doesn't matter who makes the most money. He's not so sure.
Next to penis size, questioning his ability to provide anadequate income is the surest way to create doubt for a man. A man who believes he's at risk with either is vulnerable on all fronts. Why are sexual prowess and income so important? Because they provide men with the most obvious symbols of identity. Externals seem to be everything in our MTV paced, consumer oriented culture. Sound bites don't give much time for more than a passing glance. If you have the right clothes, the right audio/video link, and the right job, you must be Mr. or Ms. right. If you don't, you're out. It's the external law of the jungle.
But things may be changing. Beyond income, what does work have to offer? Fortune Magazine in it's December 26, 1994 issue asks the question "Why do we work?" Their conclusion is scary for many men. Fortune reports that personal satisfaction seems to come in four ways:
achieving technical excellence
serving a purpose larger than the individual
being a part of a team
by finding what your spirit needs
Here's the rub. Of these four springboards to satisfaction, only technical excellence deals with externals, the other three address inside issues. How can men develop tools to compete on the "insidetrack?" One place to begin is to develop a personal mission statement.
Stephen Covey in his best selling book, Seven Basic Habits of Highly Effective People says, "You see, once you can decide what you are about and what you treasure, what you value, you've automatically got guidelines. You've developed the criteria for making all of the decisions in your life."
HOW WOMEN FEEL ABOUT ABORTIONS
by Nancy Felipe Russo
Social scientists have known for years that the availability of legal abortion is not associated with long-term psychological distress in women who use it. An eight-year longitudinal study involving nearly 5,300 young women published in1992 found that the best predictor of well-being in women over the course of the study was their well-being at the start of the study, not their income level, job status, level of education or martial status or -- quite specifically -- whether they had had an abortion. Now a new follow-up study, published in the current edition of the American Psychological Association's (APA) journal Professional Psychology: Research and Practice finds that the same conclusion still applies regardless of religious or racial differences.
The study, by psychologists Nancy Felipe Russo, Ph.D., of Arizona State University and Amy J. Dabul, Ph.D., of Phoenix College, is further analysis of data gathered from a national sample of 5,295 women aged 14 to 24 (in 1979) who were interviewed annually from 1979 to 1987. The women's well-being was assessed using a reliable and valid measure of self-esteem in 1980 and again in 1987. This time, in addition to looking at variables such as income, employment and education, the researchers looked at race and religious beliefs and practices to see if they had any effect on women's well-being after having had an abortion.
They found that, overall, White women and Black women did not differ statistically on measures of self-esteem. Approximately the same proportion of Black women and White women reported having had an abortion (14.6% and 14.9% respectively), but Black women had more abortions than White women and Black women who had abortions were more likely than White women to be mothers (86% vs 57%). Nonetheless, having had an abortion (or more than one) had no relation with self-esteem in either group: "For both Black women and White women, prior self-esteem was the biggest predictor of subsequent self-esteem," the authors note. The same held true when they compared Black and White women who reported a religious affiliation and high or low church attendance with those who were not religious.
Since the type of religion to which women who had an abortion belonged also did not make a difference in their post-abortion well-being, the researchers focused specifically on Catholic versus non-Catholic women, given that the Catholic Church "has a consistent antiabortion position that is vigorously promoted."
Their findings in this analysis were more complex: nonCatholic women who had high church attendance and one abortion had the highest self-esteem; non-Catholic women who had low church attendance and repeat abortions had the lowest self-esteem. But at the same time, high-church-attendance non-Catholic women with one abortion had significantly higher self-esteem than did low-churchattendance Catholic women with no abortions. "Although highly religious Catholic women were slightly more likely to exhibit postabortion psychological distress than other women," the researchers say, "this fact is explained by lower pre-existing well-being."
Given these findings, the researchers ask: "Do highly distressed women who have had an abortion exist?" And, they answer: "Yes. But their distress is likely to be rooted in events and conditions that existed before they became pregnant. Legal abortion per se does not increase a woman's risk of negative wellbeing."
Social scientists have known for years that the availability of legal abortion is not associated with long-term psychological distress in women who use it. An eight-year longitudinal study involving nearly 5,300 young women published in1992 found that the best predictor of well-being in women over the course of the study was their well-being at the start of the study, not their income level, job status, level of education or martial status or -- quite specifically -- whether they had had an abortion. Now a new follow-up study, published in the current edition of the American Psychological Association's (APA) journal Professional Psychology: Research and Practice finds that the same conclusion still applies regardless of religious or racial differences.
The study, by psychologists Nancy Felipe Russo, Ph.D., of Arizona State University and Amy J. Dabul, Ph.D., of Phoenix College, is further analysis of data gathered from a national sample of 5,295 women aged 14 to 24 (in 1979) who were interviewed annually from 1979 to 1987. The women's well-being was assessed using a reliable and valid measure of self-esteem in 1980 and again in 1987. This time, in addition to looking at variables such as income, employment and education, the researchers looked at race and religious beliefs and practices to see if they had any effect on women's well-being after having had an abortion.
They found that, overall, White women and Black women did not differ statistically on measures of self-esteem. Approximately the same proportion of Black women and White women reported having had an abortion (14.6% and 14.9% respectively), but Black women had more abortions than White women and Black women who had abortions were more likely than White women to be mothers (86% vs 57%). Nonetheless, having had an abortion (or more than one) had no relation with self-esteem in either group: "For both Black women and White women, prior self-esteem was the biggest predictor of subsequent self-esteem," the authors note. The same held true when they compared Black and White women who reported a religious affiliation and high or low church attendance with those who were not religious.
Since the type of religion to which women who had an abortion belonged also did not make a difference in their post-abortion well-being, the researchers focused specifically on Catholic versus non-Catholic women, given that the Catholic Church "has a consistent antiabortion position that is vigorously promoted."
Their findings in this analysis were more complex: nonCatholic women who had high church attendance and one abortion had the highest self-esteem; non-Catholic women who had low church attendance and repeat abortions had the lowest self-esteem. But at the same time, high-church-attendance non-Catholic women with one abortion had significantly higher self-esteem than did low-churchattendance Catholic women with no abortions. "Although highly religious Catholic women were slightly more likely to exhibit postabortion psychological distress than other women," the researchers say, "this fact is explained by lower pre-existing well-being."
Given these findings, the researchers ask: "Do highly distressed women who have had an abortion exist?" And, they answer: "Yes. But their distress is likely to be rooted in events and conditions that existed before they became pregnant. Legal abortion per se does not increase a woman's risk of negative wellbeing."
IS LOVE ENOUGH?
by Susan Sprecher, Ph.D.
American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too.
"Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up," according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. "Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other."
Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period.
By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged.
"These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love," said Dr. Sprecher, "but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing." She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends.
Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another.
American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too.
"Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up," according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. "Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other."
Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period.
By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged.
"These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love," said Dr. Sprecher, "but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing." She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends.
Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another.
FINDING SOMEONE RIGHT FOR YOU
Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.
You've heard it before, "Where have all the good men (women) gone?" or, "All the good ones are taken!" The way people talk, you would think that mates were an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings and ways in which you can increase your odds of finding a "compatible mate."
You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen.
Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
You've heard it before, "Where have all the good men (women) gone?" or, "All the good ones are taken!" The way people talk, you would think that mates were an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings and ways in which you can increase your odds of finding a "compatible mate."
You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen.
Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
Let's take a critical look at some common myths about romance.
Myth 1: Luck is the essence of romance.
Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven.
This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated.
If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us.
If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them.
Luck has very little to do with romance, other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And serious people do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery. Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven.
This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices -- especially when it comes to mate selection.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and the freedom to choose is obviated.
If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God doesn't provide us with a mate--rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us.
If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
To find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
A friend decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful, had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with rich, beautiful women of the same religion, he could then allow himself to fall in love with any one of them.
What About Romance?
Romance and love at first sight are integral to our fantasies about mate selection. We love to hear stories about how people fall in love. We love the notion of two people gazing across a crowded room, eyes meeting, and love is in bloom. More often than not these people are in lust, not love. But this is not to say it cannot happen. However, it is unlikely.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connection that binds us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. An intentional strategy for mate selection can increase the odds of this happening.
Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house." First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, four bedrooms, large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc. We establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be spending a lot of time and money in this house. We want to insure, as best possible, that we will be happy in it. (Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and hope we get lucky.)
Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we are collecting information and fine tuning our choices.
Finally, one day, we step out of the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many hours, months, years, looking, searching, and refining before the "dream house." A similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connection that binds us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. An intentional strategy for mate selection can increase the odds of this happening.
Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house." First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, four bedrooms, large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc. We establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be spending a lot of time and money in this house. We want to insure, as best possible, that we will be happy in it. (Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and hope we get lucky.)
Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we are collecting information and fine tuning our choices.
Finally, one day, we step out of the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many hours, months, years, looking, searching, and refining before the "dream house." A similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not.
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